Sundays are such a quiet time for me...a few weeks ago they were sort of like a form of torture, since I just didn't know how to make the most of my time - and not just dwell on the fact that I have now had two failed marriages and two children that don't live with me all the time. S11 is with me every-other-weekend, and B still insists that S2 has to breast feed...and I'm still opting not to get involved in the battle I think she wants...
Just a bit of journaling at the end of a Sunday...a day on which I learned a lot about my own tendency to delve too deeply into the sorrows of my past - and how I can sometimes allow those darker moments to color my image of myself in the present. There are so many things I still have to work on....one of them, I learned today, is my idea, my fear, I suppose, that no one would really want to be with me...I know what it's based on - but I realized today just how much knowing where that fear comes from does nothing to help me overcome that concern...Rather, I have to work harder at letting go of my own past, the events that scarred me, and just accept myself more for who I am - I think that's the only way to move forward and to foster a healthy relationship - not just with myself - but with my next partner.
My friend continues to be there for me - offering her support, her wisdom, her patience - and even her reminders that I am not someone that should indulge in self-pity. It's amazing to have someone remind me of that - since I don't think I've ever been in the position before of allowing myself to be that honest with anyone - and it impressed me just how honest she was with me in return. It's a new kind of friendship - and as it grows I can see just how much I have learned about the mistakes I used to make in the past - and how I used to cling to the idea that I could solve my issues by understanding more about the whys and wherefores of the people that did harm me...no more...I won't try to find my solutions by finding another person to harm me - I'll now look for my solutions inside me - accept a healthy love for myself - and use that as my guide toward knowing when I am loved in a healthy way. How about that?
