WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[confusedinpa]

I think my thread got locked/reached the limit

Here is the link to all the background.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1702221&page=4&fpart=14

She was really in a down mood on Sat. That nite she started to talk about how she's really struggling trying to figure out the logistics of getting to the next step. I thought she meant about giving us another chance. But she meant seperation. I told her that really hurt me and made me sad. Of course the kids interrupted so we couldn't talk more.

By the time the kids went to bed, she decided to just go to bed. I used to go to bed with her since she hit me with the divorce, but since it was only 8:30 PM and I got the sense she needed some alone time, I asked her if she needed some time. She said yes and I left and closed the bedroom door.

Sunday was just as tough.

She woke up in a better mode. She asked me for a hug to crack her back - of course I obliged and gave her a kiss on the check.

She didn't bring up the separation topic so I didn't ask. She did start talking about how she had felt that I was more interested in watching my TV shows than talking to her in the past. I acknowledged how awful/hurtful that made her feel. I may have crossed the line by trying to tell her that in retrospect I wasn't even watching the show but was more lost in my thoughts. I think I may have said that subconsciously I had thought something was wrong but couldn't see/understand exactly what it was and what to do

We then started to do the chores around the house together. I know she appreciates that I'm working with her but I remeber "service" was not a very important aspect in her 5 lanquages of love. I did thank her when she helped me with one of my chores. I wanted to give her a kiss. I didn't ask nor did I lean in but she did look up at me and puckered. Perhaps she just knows me too well

The we had a tough lunch

She brought up how she thinks the reason why her stomach has been acting up so much at nite. She used to have stomach problems coming home from work - worried about how I was going to "treat" her (disinterest/disconnected). Now she thinks its because she doesn't want to go to bed with me. I told her that makes me sad and it hurts. I told her all I can do is try the best that I can do. The decision is up to her if its good enough. Of course kids were with us so we really couldn't talk

I'm at such a loss of what to do. I keep trying but I feel its fall on a closed heart. I know she sees how I changed. She even commented on how it looks like I lost weight over the last couple of weeks (I wasn't trying but I went in 2 belt notches). She knows that she is important to me and I am showing it. She knows I love her even though I purposely stopped saying it for the last couple of weeks. She knows I'm trying to listen and support her (except for the divorce). I'm just afraid its too late. She keeps going back to how can she love someone who hurt her so badly.

Just before dinner, she started to complain about her stomach again - I thought here we go. This time though, she thinks it's heartburn from lunch.

what was really odd was before dinner, I put on the radio to play her Ipod. She put on the playlist that she made for me because she added a song last week as a surprise for me (it was the theme song from the Apprentice that she knew I liked). Then she put on love songs. I thought this was a good sign. After a few songs, I asked her to dance. She put her arms around me like she would when we would dance. I started to move, but she then just said I'm not dancing. Of course the kids then interupted before I could say anything else. I was pissed - at one point I thought she was playing around just to mess with me.

I calmed down and at least stayed positive during dinner - upbeat and relaxed.

We wound up watching Lost after the boys went to bed. I started sitting on the other couch but wound up sitting next to her as the kids kept getting up so we didn't want the TV on too loud (her couch was closer). I didn't try to talk or touch her. She did start flipping through the Entertainment book I got for us to look for date nite ideas. When she was done, I asked her if anything looked interesting. Nothing jumped out at her.

I'm very confused and frustrated

At times I feel like curling up into a ball and just cry. But I remember I must remain strong and continue to fight for my family.

I'm afraid that I may get so frustrated that I will start to resent her and lose my love for her. I hope not, but do feel like its getting harder everyday. I will need to talk to my therapist about next week.

I appreciate everyones positive support. I could really use some suggestions on what to bring up during counseling tomorrow.