Exposing at EA

[Mellenmack]

I am strongly in favor of exposure in almost every instance.

I knew you were gonna say that.

But thanks for confirming.

You do so much for all of us. I know you know that. You prolly don't really want to help the betraying partner, but I appreciate that you do anyway. You help us focus where we need to, to make things better. It's not always plain as day, especially when we are on overload anyway. I envy those of you who are able to see through a stitch and not let emotions cloud you. I have never in my life been able to do that.

Thanks again.

Melissa

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Trust me, I wasn't always good at it. By nature, I'm a classic "Mr. Nice Guy"/pleaser type. I had to learn the hard way.

Puppy

[Still Waters]

So I'm getting more and more friends chirping in my ear that I should just let my W see other people. They're saying that since we're already separated and that she already said she wants a divorce, then I really don't have anything to lose. Could it get any worse? I know she has been crying out for her precious space, and she even has said that she feels trapped and like I hold all the cards. So I guess the reasoning is the old "If you love something, set it free..." line.

Has anyone told their WAS to go ahead and date other people? I suppose that I would date too if it came down to that. Not that I feel like dating, but no way would I sit at home like a good little doggy while she goes out and lives it up. I don't even know if she would actually go live it up since she's such an emotional wreck right now.

[Mellenmack]

Are you kidding me!!????? What kind of friends do you have??? Maybe it's time for new ones!! Geez, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

NO. It is not okay for her to date other people. She is married to you. I would NOT give your blessing. When does it stop? Are you going to give your blessing for her to sleep with other people too??

Let her make that piss-poor decision on her own so that she can bear the full brunt of responsibility for it. Otherwise, YOU told her it was okay for her to date, so why are YOU mad now that she is seeing/sleeping with/or marrying someone else?? She is crazy. Your friends are crazy.

Do NOT endorse her decision. You can't stop her, but you sure don't have to give your blessing! That is assinine.

Melissa

[pearlharbr]

What Mellenmack said!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What Mellenmack said. ^

You need to start hanging out with some people who are going to be SUPPORTIVE of your marriage.

Puppy

[Still Waters]

My W came over this morning to pick up some of her stuff. She wanted to talk about our R again, and since she initiated I took the opportunity to fully expose her REAL affair.

She admitted to it, breaking down in tears again. She said that she was in such denial that she didn't tell anyone (not even her IC) about the affair. She also said that the A fizzled out in mid-January but that she did text the OM a week ago after she saw him at a party. It sounds like (and, from her phone records, it looks like) the OM lost interest and stopped returning her calls and texts in mid-January. So chances are she's feeling burned by him and doesn't want to tell me. Instead she said she's done with him.

The thing that really gets me is that she was texted him like crazy both before and after she and I went on this 3-day marriage retreat therapy weekend. What a waste of time and money to go do something like that while she was having an affair.

She still wants to date other people. She wants freedom. She wants space. She wants to find herself. I love it how everyone who says they want space and want to find themselves end up running right into the arms of OM and OW. Such BS.

I said that I couldn't control her but that I wouldn't give my blessing for her to date. If she wants to date she can, but she'll be doing so as a married woman without the blessing of her husband.

She of course was upset by my snooping, but I wouldn't let her turn it back around on me. I admitted that I snooped, but I told her that I hated every minute of it. I said that it made me sick to my stomach and I was glad to be done with the whole business. Then I said "I know it hurts that I didn't trust you enough not to snoop, but the only reason I snooped is because I knew, deep down, that you were having an affair." I let her know that the affair was painful, that my trust in her was broken, but that I had the strength to forgive her and work on rebuilding that trust. She said that I shouldn't forgive her and that she didn't think she could even forgive herself.

She's still playing the victim. She says that I can still hold my head high because of how I've handled everything while she can't. She knows that what she did is awful and that no one would support her if they knew. Lots of woe is me talk.

So should I still expose the A to her close family and small group of friends? She says it's over, and she hasn't contacted him by phone for a week, but how can I trust her? It's not like she wants to work on our marriage.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I don't see what purpose it would serve. If she has no interest in working on your marriage, and still wants to date other people, then I think you should probably consider moving on. At some point, she may want you back, and at that point you can decide if you even WANT her back.

Puppy

[Still Waters]

First things first. I am Mr. Mistakes no more! The new name is Still Waters.

My W really is on a roller coaster. Today she emails me a long email saying how sorry she is that she hurt me so deeply with her A. She wrote that she feels so much self-hatred, regret, and endless pain for what she did. She called herself a coward and a selfish fool. She also thanked me for snooping and dragging the truth out of her, and for the first time she said that I was the victim of her actions. Before she always acted like she was the victim.

She said that right now she feels weak and powerless, but she hopes that now we can start a new chapter where we can both heal and see things more clearly. She finally realized that her A complicated things beyond belief, and that she has a lot of soul searching to do.

This is the first communication I've had from my W in 4 months where she didn't sound like a pod person. So it looks like exposing the A finally made dent in the wall she built up around her. I'm sure that the roller coaster is still in full effect. But it was nice to finally get a positive reaction out of her. Exposing really is the way to go. My W was in such denial it was like she didn't even fully realize that what she was doing was having an affair.

We're still going into NC for about a month. Right now I think we both need time and space to sort through our feelings. For me, I need to decide if I can move on from the A and if I want to put the work into rebuilding our R with her. And she needs to decide if she can forgive herself and find enough strength to work on our marriage.

Who knows if this really is the start of a new chapter or not. But for now I'm glad that I saw a glimmer of the woman I used to know.

[Mellenmack]

Be wary.

Letter and words are all fine and great, but let her show you with her actions.

No contact for a month, huh? What is the point of that? To give her the opportunity to turn to someone else? Make sure. I really don't think it's a good idea, but maybe it's just me.

You need to decide if you can move on from the A? I am biased here, so please forgive me. You've known for how long now that there was an A. AND YOU HAVE BEEN ON THIS SITE TO SAVE YOUR M. But now, you need to step back and reevaluate??? I'm not getting it. I feel like you should already know, deep down, whether you want this marriage to work. It seems so simple to me, really. It's even a yes/no answer! If you do, then you do the work, no questions asked. If you don't, then what was the friggin point of the last month? Why did you waste your energy here? Why did you waste our time and effort?

(Because you want the marriage to work.)

And my advice, if that is what you want, is to make sure and tell your wife that explicitly before you send her off on this 30 day no contact nonsense. If you want to work on the M, you need to tell her that you will work to forgive her just as she works to forgive herself. She also will need to agree to total transparency, which she probably won't appreciate, but which you need. If she is being sincere, she will agree.

Maybe I am way off base, but this 30 days just sounds ridiculous.

I'm sure someone will come in and correct me, though!

Melissa