A Cry for Help & Don't know where to go

[SRTTF]

Last night was the Bud shootout for NASCAR. Another thing my H and I have always been into too. We have our office NASCAR'd to the hilt. I broke down at the start of the race. I sent a TM to him and said "let's go racin boys"; just to show that the race was on. Now I so badly want to TM and just say "I miss you and love you” I know I wouldn't get a response back. I have asked my dad to move in for a few months until I can get on my feet. He is coming over tomorrow so we can talk about it.

***Polly*****

Regarding what I miss about my H. Let me do this list again. Yes those where the things I miss but not the person my H is or should I say was. The things that I miss about the H that I love and married are:

The biggest heart of anyone I have ever met.
Cared about everyone
Always smiling and laughing
I didn't have to be someone I'm not. He accepted me just the way I am
How much he loved his daughter and how he accepted mine as though she was his
He was very smart
A wonderful cook
Love and devotion to family and friends
He wasn't afraid to let his guard down; we would talk and cry together
His commitment to his job
His joy and satisfaction in helping other people (on the fire dept)

These are some of the things that made up the H that I thought I knew. I still believe that it really was him up until the alcohol took over. I just am really getting to feel that he is never going to come back. I haven't talked to him in so long and he isn't showing any sign in caring one bit about not hearing from me. I feel like it is a relief to him that I am not TM or emailing him. D has stopped emailing too and that doesn't seem to bother him either.

Could someone please explain this to me......