\My wife is going to leave me in 5 days--help!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Maybe if she was screwing me with all the bills, then it would be worth it.

\

Don't discount this, AF. Please do protect yourself in this regard. I've seen wayward spouses wipe out bank accounts and max out credit cards so fast your head would spin. Are you protected here?

I'm glad you're not giving up. I knew you wouldn't. I can tell your mettle, and you DO have SOME opportunities for screw-ups, delays, and just "don't-need-to-do-anything-today" days.

Just not that many.

Puppy

[SRTTF]

(((Af))))) ***Warning long post****

I am going to be honest but on another point of view. This is not really my sitch but I can relate from my brother and sister-in-law. My brother has been to Afghanistan, Iraq and Bosnia. Each time for more than a year. Their daughter is currently 10 yrs old. My daughter is 13 yrs old.

Ok, now I set the scene. I want you to just sit and imagine this.

You have always had help by your spouse with the day in and day out daily crap (bills, groceries, cooking, cleaning, being a parent to 2 children, laundry, pets if you have any, house issues like lawn, fixing, upkeep ect.). It isn't so bad when you have a spouse helping with things. Now your spouse has been taken away to fight in a war. All of the above things will NOT get done unless YOU do them yourself. You have 2 kids that don't help so much, going thru puberty, worried to death about their parent and dealing with the emotional and demanding life in school. Your spouse is dealing with all of this as well as their own concerns about the welfare of their loved one but needs to be strong for the kids.

THIS CAN BE INCREDABLY OVERWHELMING AND PUT ANYONE INTO A MAJOR DEPRESSION. When the spouse does come back there are going to be re-entry problems. That's why there is C when you come back. You are going through you own things with getting back into a daily NORMAL life and your spouse is

A) Upset because now everything that they have been doing on their own, you are there and you tend to get in the way of the routine, which prob just recently got into. This is no ones fault it's just the way it is.

B) Now you want to be ALONE. You have been everything to everyone. You have carried a load that seems larger than heaven and earth. You weren't getting as much help as you needed; you where sick and tired of always being the one to do things, get things. For God's sake, you want to be responsible to nothing and no one, even just for a little while.

Either way you feel horrible for having these feelings but it just is eating at you and you feel that just a break is what you need. Your spouse is back so they can do it all for awhile and you don't have to worry about it. You still love your spouse very much and you care about them but yes you are being selfish and you deserve it. It has nothing to do with an A.

I think MC is the best thing both of you can do for yourselves and each other. There is a lot of adjustment issues that both of you will have (or are going through now). This of course is just my opinion and I am only taking it from what my SIN went through. There was certainly a point when they were going to split but they made it. I don't know what you went through in Iraq but my brother has also been dealing with PTSS. He has been back for over a year and still has night sweats and nightmares. Anything that makes a loud noise freaks him out. This is hard for everyone to handle.

Both you and your wife MUST REALIZE that all of these issues impact your kids incredibly. They have their own adjustment issues as well as having to see both of their parents who they love go through this. They are going to have questions and of course their own opinion and this is a good thing. They NEED to be able to voice these and SHOULD NOT be told to stay out of it. This is a family problem and neither of you should ever discredit their feelings. Both of will go a long way by getting along, involving the kids and valuing everyone involved.

I really think, understand her and let her know that you can't begin to understand what SHE has had to go through. If she needs time away, let her know that you will take care of things and that you are still there for her. I could be completely wrong but the point of this board is to get different opinions and take what you can from each one.

I hope this helps you even just a little. If you don't mind I would like to come back and see how you are doing. Take care and pray every day that god is with you and your family to help you all get through this difficult time.

[AFWAW]

Stacy,
I hear you. Good points all around. I do think that has something to do with it and I have expressed my appreciation while I was deployed and when I got home as well. Told her initially when I got home I would take care of everything--she said good you're gonna have to cause I'm leaving.

The sit has progressed over a few days from I want a divorce to lets just have a seperation and see what happens to I need a seperation but still want to be married and want to go to counseling. Trying not to have too much hope. Emotions are starting to normalize a little. I can finally talk about it or think about it without getting weepy. Trying to understand it is the hard part for me.

Finally got the DB book so I'm gonna jump off here and read for a bit. I am hoping and praying that my beautiful wife will change her mind and come home!

[Mellenmack]

John,

Please, please please listen to SRTTF. It's true. It's the same thing I was saying. It in no way justifies an affair. NOTHING does. Life happens though. We take care of everything while ya'll are gone. I worked full time. I went to school for my master's full time. I took care of the kids/dog/cat full time. I did the yard. I built D4 a new wooden swingset. I took care of the house. I paid the bills. I also told him "everything was fine" until right at the end because it was my military wifely duty. His parents never came to help. My parents never came to help. His shop stopped by one time to check on me. His buddy stopped by one time to check on me. His 1st shirt and the colonel's wife stopped by my work 1 time to drop off a giant cookie for Valentine's day. Other than that, I never saw or heard from ANYONE. All my friends were at work with me. I didn't go to the movies. I never got a sitter except if I needed to go to class. He sent one box home mostly with stuff for the kids at Valentine's Day. I am guilty of not sending a box over to him, but look at all the stuff I was doing for him at home!!! I was exhausted. Then he'd call every few days and never ask how I really was or even act like he cared. It was all about how he was having a great time cooking. He never seemed miserable like he really missed us although he said he did. I never felt it. I still don't think he had a grasp of what kind of load he left on me.

It's not doing all this stuff that leads to divorce. It's doing all this stuff, becoming resentful, complaining to someone who listens, who thinks you are amazing for it, and recognizes everything you are doing when NO ONE else does. THAT is what leads down this dark path. I wish you luck. DB is the good book, I think At least she has slowed down a little. I still think she is having an A. But at least she is slowing down some, or appears to be. I don't think it will last, though. I think once she is out, if you don't DB your butt off, she will come to you in 2-3-4 weeks and tell you she has experienced being by herself and wants a divorce. I dunno.

Fingers are crossed for you.

Melissa

[SRTTF]

AF

You really need to give her her time, read the book and take things slow. Right now there is hope. Take that hope and build on it. Don't discuss R or her plans. Just be the best H you can in the sitch. Make appt for C. You do that not her. Don't sit back and wait for her to take care of things. Take what the book says and what we tell you here and apply it to what might work for you. Just remember her feelings and what she has been through for the last year.

Fingers crossed here too!

[AFWAW]

All right Stacy and Melissa,
Now I am confused. I purused the DB book today. I have done nothing but 180s. I have not called or emailed her today or yesterday. She called me 4 times yesterday. How am I supposed to DB my butt off and give her space to think and be by herself? She has had 6 months to plan this and seems quite resolved. So, again how do I DB if she doesn't call or email? How do I win her back over? I know the standard stuff--no begging, pleading, crying, etc. Don't appear needy, listen without responding except when an apology is needed, etc.

Help me out please!

[AFWAW]

BTW, I wanted to call soooo bad today but did not. I am sooo miserable right now. Still jet lagged and broken hearted. Gonna take a long time for this to heal.

[SRTTF]

(((AF))))

Believe me we know all about the hurt. I want you to listen to me. You say she has had 6 months to plan. I wouldn't say that she has been planning. I think she has been imagining it and dreaming about it and now that you are home she can do it. You DB by letting her have her space while you are taking care of yourself and the kids. Clean the house, take the kids to a movie, go play catch or do something the kids like to do. Those kids really need you and you can occupy your time by doing things with them. Trust me when I tell you I will tell my D13 that I need some me time and I go to my room and cry my eyes out. I usually do that at least once a day now but when I got the bomb I didn't stop crying for 2-3 wks. I actually didn't go to work for 2 wks and I thought I would have lost my job. I was only moving, and breathing for my D. In the first month I lost over 15 lbs because I didn't eat. You know the ever popular stress diet I still don't eat the way I should and I usually only sleep about 4 hrs a night.

Don't be so hard on yourself and put your kids first. Not your W. She can and will take care of herself. Actually you need to be first then the kids but I know it doesn't feel that easy. I know GAL is not in your thoughts right now and honestly I am still not there myself.

Again, stay busy doing things with the kids and wait for W to contact you. When she asked you how you are you say "I'm doing good how about you" When she asks you what you did today, you let her know that you and the kids did something (anything) worked on a puzzle, watched a movie, had a food fight (ok you get my point) This will all go a long way....

Talk to you soon and we are all here for you. Get it all out on here so that you can do the things you need to do.

[AFWAW]

Well, I finally almost got a full nights sleep. It is just so hard to understand how someone can just throw away 15 years and not want to try to save it--just run away from it. I was thinking yesterday about all the things she's said since I've been home: she has friends, she looks and feels good, has tried new things--drinking(admits to being drunk a few times--on TDYs--lifting weights. She mentioned that she think she started thinking about doing this when I was upset about her and the kids going on a cruise while I was gone--I told her I didn't mean to make her feel that way. She said it's almost like I didn't want her to be happy--I didn't think I was doing that but she always seemed happy--I'm not a mind reader. When she told me that I went back and looked at cruise pictures that had been taken and every pic she was in looked like she was contemplating something and she looked sad.

Talked w/ my daughter last night and she seems uncomfortable talking about it. I asked her if she wanted us to get back together--she said she didn't know. She said you'll get used to it--WTF is going on? I let it go but was very stunned when she said that.

The wife did not call or email yesterday. She is supposedly coming to stay here today and tomorrow to spend some time with my SS before he leaves. I am aching to see her and talk to her. I miss her so bad. If she comes tonight, I will do my best to seem as if I have moved on and happy but it will be difficult. I will also not follow her around, ask her questions unless she starts r talk first. Any other ideas on how I can DB when she comes over? I feel that she is going to purposely limit our time together so she will not have a problem following through on her decision. Gonna go pray again.

[AFWAW]

Anyone ever buy any of these get your ex back books. I'm considering an e-book called, the magic of making up. Any thoughts? Thanks...