The Unfaithful Wife - That's Still Me #3

[Hope4us]

Mel, First things first. I know exactly how you're feeling. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You're experiencing exactly what we've all felt and feel everyday. It gets better, but it takes time. I'm dealing with the exact same feelings as you when it comes to the bed, house, etc. I don't know how much of my sitch you've read, but one of the things that I'm dealing with right now is our martial bed.

We have had a waterbed for almost our whole marriage (24 yrs next month). Our first waterbed was W's suggestion. Once we got one, I fell in love with it. In Sept 2007, my W moved to sleep on the couch. At first it was because she hated me and I'm sure she felt like she was cheating on OM just to be in bed with me. Fast forward a year and my exposing the A to OMW and my kids and the A ends. W tells me she's willing to continue our marriage to see if we can make it work (well, it wasn't that much of a committal, but close). We start having a marriage that many people would probably envy, except she's still on the couch and no intimacy of any kind. We go on trips, some with the kids, some just W and I. And when we're out of town, she sleeps in bed with me. After a trip to Disney in Oct (where we ML for the first time in over a year), W makes a comment about buying a new bed. I asked her why? She said she can't sleep in our waterbed with me because it's uncomfortable. I'm a big guy. NFL Linebacker build. W says I displace so much water that she can't sleep. Now I just didn't grow this big the last year and you're just figuring this out. So WTF? Then I started thinking, there were probably two times when OM could have been to our home. So I'm guessing she was in our bed with him. Totally creeps me out that I'm sleeping in it. But I won't let W know what I suspect because I think it would cause more trouble than it's worth. So we're getting a new bed. Get's delivered on Tuesday. So I'm really looking forward to Tuesday night.

Sorry if I ramble, but I think sometimes people relate when others share things from their own sitch's. If you'd rather not hear this stuff and just advise, just say.

Anyway. Everything you're feeling is completely understandable. I've read where couple's that are reconciling move to a new house because one of the spouses can't handle that the OP was in their house. Others get new furniture. I read on another website where a guy had come home and caught his W and OM doing the nasty on their couch. When they reconciled, they made a ceremony of burning the couch in a bonfire. Point is, don't think about or worry about that stuff for now. If you and your H don't get to the recovery stage, then it's all a moot point anyway isn't it? If you get to piecing your marriage back together, then deal with those things at that time.

My W is currently talking about finding a new job. She has worked for our company for almost 29 years. Makes pretty darn good money, has a good 401k from work, great retirement plan, 5 weeks vacation (6 weeks next year) and she wants to find a new job. Why? OM in our sitch is a contractor who moves from refinery to refinery every 2 - 3 years. OMW told me OM said he might be moving back to the refinery W works at in probably a year from now. I think W knows this and knows I would divorce her before living with knowing she was going to work at the same location with OM again. So she's looking for a new job so she's not there if he comes back. Of course, she hasn't told me the reason, but I'm sure that's a big part of it. Point of all this? IF you get to piecing, figure that stuff out then. Now is not the time to obsess over it because it doesn't MATTER RIGHT NOW.

You posted a question on my thread about why your H is angry with his family because they're telling him he's making a mistake. I would suspect that he's angry because he feels like not only was he betrayed by you, now he's being betrayed by his family because they're supporting you and not him. Does his family know about your A's? If not, imagine how he's feeling. There's no one he can trust to understand what he's going through, except OW. Any idea why she's still there? Right now, she's the only one who listens to him and validates what he's feeling. And now his family is discounting his pain. I'd be angry too.

I know you're struggling with the "stupid" OW. Can I make a suggestion? Why not completely forget about OW UNTIL July. Let it play out and see if she does leave in July. Be his friend and support him. The conversations you've shared you've had with him lately are good. Continue those. Come July, if she doesn't leave, then you make the decision. In the mean time, GAL. Stop worrying about OW. Like I said before, she's a problem, but not THE problem. Right now she's the only one that is truly listening to him.

Hope this helps. Now do something today and forget about OW.

[Mellenmack]

H4U,

Thanks. His family does know about the As. But they love me dearly. And that hate OW. MIL said she was really selfish, but yeah, I'm sure she totally sits arounds and listens to him complain about me and he sits around and listens to her complain about her H.

That has to get old sooner or later.

Just forgetting about her is SOOO much easier said that done. But I'll try for today and worry about tomorrow when it comes.

Melissa

[Twice-2-Her]

M&M:

Just wanted to say hi. I do not think I have been on a thread with you before but I see your posts all over and more so, I saw how kind you were to Kevin Dallas.

I went to high school in NM, what part are you in? I was up near Santa Fe.

Just wanted to say hi and I would appreciate your input on my sitch.

Twice-2-her

My Story

[Mellenmack]

J,

Go to afcrossroads.com and just try signing up for the spouse's network. Try it under your social (used to be required 8 years ago, but prolly not anymore) and then maybe try it under your h's too. Just for $hits and giggles.

Melissa

[SRTTF]

How ya doin' Mel?

Just wanted you to know I'm here for ya....

[Mellenmack]

Thanks Stacy.

A friend of mine emailed me her facebook page today so I looked around facebook.com for awhile and guess what I find! H has a page there. It is locked so that it's not visible to others, so I couldn't look, but it was interesting anyway. I asked him about me getting one, since that was what the friend asked me to do, and he said he had one, that I should email him my info and he would add me to his friends. not sure if i want to do that or not.

reading codependent no more and realizing i REALLY REALLY REALLY need to detach. I know, GAL is the answer, but it's hard. It shouldn't be, but it is. Cause I end up sitting here thinking about him instead. Which I need to stop.

We'll see. Tomorrow is a new day.

Melissa

PS Twice, southern NM. Lord, I hate this state.

[K4D]

Mel,

I hear ya. I'd feel the same way. How can you look at the bed, house, rooms, etc knowing what was going on in there when you weren't there.

And how do you know he genuinely wants to work things out just because OW left in July. I guess you don't. I guess its up to you to decide if its legit. Maybe after she leaves, still stay separated and then see with time if he is legit. If he really wants it to work, he will understand AND BE APPRECIATIVE of having a W that is willing to look beyond all of this if he cleans up his act.

Ugg. Again, what an idiot he is. Why won't my W do that??? Oh well, not my thread. Anyways, just let things play out and see if things truly change. At least he hasn't filed yet. And he may not. He may just still be in confusion right now as to what he wants.

I know that back in February when my W wanted a D. There was this guy that she really seemed to like. But then he moved to Atlanta. Once that happened, things got better between us for a while. On the other hand, fast forward to September and she wanted a D again.

Tough to tell. Do whats right for you. Maybe we should both read codependent no more.

Sorry you have been crying all day. I know its hard. So many times especially while packing I want to do the same thing to. But my wife considers it a sign of weakness and clingyness and needy. At least you aren't doing it in front of him. He doesn't see it. So in his mind, you are still strong. Its ok to cry when alone. Let it out. And then get ready for the next DBing situation that comes up.

You are doing good. Lord knows you have really been there for me. I have so needed someone in my corner. And alot of people on here have been. You are a great person. And you are handling things better than I am. Don't lose faith in yourself.

Kevin

[Twice-2-Her]

((M&M))

It is not that bad a state, come on!

Sorry to see you had a rough day. It will get better.

I do not know if I'm living now more than I did, in that my life is no longer normal or I have to get back to boring days where I had no worries? Not really a question but funny how, now I would take the boring days with no drama and nothing to think of.

Thanks for stopping by by sitch and would appreciate your checking on me!

Twice

[25yearsmlc]

Mel,

Don't know if this helps, but try to keep it simple. He's with OW in some unacceptable way, whatever you want to call it. That's just a fact. You can't be with him right now cuz oh, by the way, he still drinks. Not all the time, but enough that it's an issue.

While he's "with" ow, it amounts to him "dating" a subordinate, who's also married...(both against the UCMJ) and probably doing something uncool with the rent since I am still unclear on that sitch. So he's not in the "winner's circle" right now, as he is. How about GAL and if and when the time comes when he does get in the winner's circle AND exhibits a bit more initiative on his end, towards reconciling, how about crossing that bridge THEN and only then? How about NOT borrowing trouble now? How about not worrying what OW will do in July and then wondering what H will do OR THINK/ OR FEEL about you then, and how you will think/feel or wonder about THEN?????

Why not Be Here Now....for yourself, making the most of today. Cuz tomorrow's yesterdays are all about what you created for yourself right now, today.

Remember the "your life is a novel" analogy? Well, who is writing yours? How is this chapter going? You know, you don't know how many chapters you have in your book and you sure as heck ought to be the author of your own life. Not someone else or a 3rd party.

Detach, lovingly. There's info on this site about it. Check it out. Read what it is NOT and what it is. Like I said, your sitch is hard, but it is not complicated.

I seriously don't think you can handle ml now. I struggled with that issue and understand it. But it is clear to me that you would not feel good about it later, unless he slapped his forehead and said OMG1 I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'VE BEEN MISSING AND....you know the rest....he remembers what you are like and what it was like when it was good. Let those memories re-surface as they no doubt will.

Back off, just be upbeat and NO R talk. Seriously. Why bring it up? You don't need to rush things and frankly, you are better off financially the longer you are married, assuming he goes to 20 years in the military AND that he isn't wracking up mountains of debt.

If you do the facebook thing, be careful what you post. Lots of stuff is public and in fact it is ALL public unless you put it into a private avenue. He'll check what you write for your status, as in "married" etc. Be ready to say married or separated and think about the consequences. Better yet, don't do it now. You can email your peeps.
Though hugs4 gave you lots of good interesting feedback that I don't disagree with totally, I do think you've beaten yourself up enough already. AND your h is intentionally hurting you, or he was last week. And he's a drunk and doesn't want to talk about it. And that's a big deal to me. How men who drink (or women) get to lash out big time on the WAS/ or the "cheater" b/c they broke their vows....well guess what? Was he "honoring you and cherishing you" when he got drunk all night? Was he "forsaking" the bottle? No. I am not condoning an A and don't want to get hammered by an LBSer who thinks I am. But enough about it. If your h is still hurt by that, it sure would be nice if he simply said that to you. Instead, he's hell bent on hurting you and dragging it out as long as possible, and you know what? Something tells me you are a good person. Something tells me you had your own MLC and something tells me this is NOT the first time he's been cruel to you in your m...
ttyl,

((( j )))

[K4D]

Don't be to concerned about the facebook page. My W has one to. I created one and sent her an invite. She never responded. Then she created one and didn't tell me. A friend told me about hers. I asked her if she wanted to be friends on each others page. She said she didn't know. I resent an invite. She never responded again and then said no.

Right now your H is living another life. His facebook, OW, etc. He is in his own world and you are on the outside trying to look in. Its a toughy.

Don't worry about the page. Right now worry about what you can do to help yourself grow detached, but still be available should things turn around. I know why you are analyzing July so much. Thats when you might see something big happen. But its also eating you up wondering about it.

Try not to dwell on July. Even if OW leaves in July, the problems aren't going to be fixed over night. You could be looking at many more months of him figuring things out after she is gone. He has got to get control of his drinking for sure. Your kids don't need to be around that constantly and neither do you.

Keep faith in God. He knows what is best and has a plan for everything. Stay strong. Keep reading that book. I need to get it.

Kevin