I woke up this morning and I realized I was trying so hard not to need him. I know his behavior messed with my brain. I know I was trying so hard to be self sufficient and not allow myself to feel. I was numb in all my pain. I also know that he failed me. He hurt me, he no longer showed his DESIRE for me either. All that came thru is resentment and anger. I felt no love. Yes he loves me but I cant see it or feel it. Do I stay where I am ? Do I stand still? Or do *I* take the risk and walk across the bridge? I have been holding onto my pain for so long I could not see anything else.
He has also been holding on so long to his anger I could only feel that. He held onto it for dear life and I never bumped into his “Passion” or “ desire “ for me.
I looked for the secrets to him everywhere? Why wasn’t I enough for him?
Why wasn’t I enough for me? I needed him to feel me. Wrong. I needed me to feel me. I have been checked out for so long. I was even talking to him @ it this am and I started crying out of the blue. I needed so much for him to tell me I was worthy / I was so hungry for his approval,,, It was always here I just did not know how to “find” it.
I have been missing his desire for me. Not with his touch , with his eyes. I needed it from his energy. He admits he hides it but it is more than that. He emits no energy of I “need” her either. I desire her . I explained to him it is more than just my sex. It is a feeling he emits when he surrenders to himself and what he feels for me. I reminded him when we met. Even if he wasn’t looking at me nor I at him if we were in the same room that energy was there. I couldn’t get away from it. Not lust or infatuation an energy of want. I couldn’t find a better word than desire but it is more than that.
I have to work without it til he finds it again ? But it does allow me to be more free sexually.
He asked me weeks ago what he could do to help me with my sexuality. It took me weeks to be still in myself to find the answer.
I miss that “energy”.
I do also know now that I put my sexuality and who I am on the back burner. I focused on the house the kids and other things that make me a spectacular wife. Oh yeah and I am a phenomenal cook. I also would not allow myself to fully feel or sex a Man who I did not fully trust with my soul. My sex. I am going to put "it" { finding myself, staying in the now, enjoying my sexuality and a whole lot of other "stuff" } first, put myself first. Put passion back into what I feel. I can get to know him better thru our SL. It has helped me to grow more by seeing what I am missing.
My body is a shrine , my body is a temple and to say or feel that before? Meant I was being selfish or arrogant. Not God like. When in all actuality that is what God gave me life for to honor it and love it. I have hated myelf so much I allowed so much pain in my life. I allowed myself to be treated in a way that agreed with my “secret” feelings for myself. I know I have said it so much and it sounds cliché but I do have to fall in love with myself if I am to be happy.
I had no energy to love myself when I was too worried about my H~ *sigh*
I am seeing that the less I worry the more I receive. Something like that.
I read the book ~Passionista ~ this weekend and
*I* LOVE it~
I am going to have to buy it. Any thoughts on Kama Sutra Books or Tantric Sex books? anybody know of any good ones?
I am also interested in the whole "White Tigress" thing mentioned in Passionista.
I know for me personanally if I look at sex spiritually it will help me so much more. Than put part "a" in in section "b".
I see how *I* was doing far too much loving and not enough translating that love into passion. I can also see how I am somewhat scared of my sexuality. When I got going yesteday thinking about H~? I could not sleep.
I am a sexual diva after all. I have alot of sexual energy I have been hiding...
Love you all, Take care and God Bless, xoxoxoxo, Ali
