I spoke too soon. It's all starting to get to me. This was one h*ll of a day. My employer is going through some serious "workforce reductions" -- lots of people are being let go. It touched our division today and it unnerved quite a number of us to see several people, some with a lot of seniority, let go. Several middle and lower level managers as well as rank-n-file employees. My department appears safe -- for now. Another round of layoffs could still be headed our way. Not good, not good. I feel so bad for all these people. And it may not be over yet.
Yes, a bad day indeed.
On top of that I am also feeling a great deal of anxiety from W as well. We had another argument last night. She grilled me about the list of items from our residence (now sold) that my L was wanting to make sure was covered. W got very ugly and snippy with me. The hypocrisy was enough to drive anyone mad, but her condescending attitude and her presumptuous sense of entitlement was sickening. And she now insists that she will not be "giving" to me any share in the custody of our S's. I realize that she really doesn't have any grounds to support her desire to rub me out of our S's lives, but nevertheless I did not sleep well because of her words and behaviors.
Today, despite having some time to reflect on this, I am still so distraught and anxious. I am so upset with W and how she is behaving towards me, with such venom and such deep-seated contempt, that I can't bear to see or hear from her anymore. I won't go into details just yet about some of the many things said between us, but have about reached the limits of my patience. I am now at the point where I am actually welcoming her divorce and am in fact very impatient to just get this over with, so I can carry on with my healing and grow into the person God wants me to be.
Forgive me, Lord, for now I also want to lay my vows to one side. W has become too vitriolic, toxic and vindictive -- exactly like her mother. I don't want her, not this nasty, mean-spirited and selfish person, no longer. I can't help this M if she won't try and even works to undermine it. Her threats to take the kids away are too much.
I have repeatedly asked myself this question: Were W to suddenly and miraculously come to her senses, repent of her sins against me and our family and tell me she wants to work on our R, would I take her back?
Certainly in the first year of our separation I would have said yes, with little reservation. Since last summer, however, I have recognized it would just not work unless W showed the right degree of contrition and an earnestness to work hard on the R.
But since this latest conflict over our S's daycare and all the ancillary skirmishes that arose around that, I must now conclude that even if she were to do everything under the sun to make amends, even getting down on her knees and begging me (not that that appeals to me), I know now it would never work. I hate to say it, but there has been far too much damage. I could forgive her and I will/do forgive her, but I can NEVER ever trust her again. It will always be in the back of my mind that she could suddenly have her switch flipped yet again, that she might change her mind about our R yet again. I can't and I won't subject myself to that again.
In a way I do still love her despite all the evil she has done. And were she to decide to want to reconcile, I sadly recognize now it is too late. We might could possibly reconcile to a degree where we might raise our S's together in good faith, and I would want that. And though my heart would want to restore the M too, my mind and my very soul now know that our M is over and will never work again.
I believe this has been the conscious or subconscious intent of the evil she does to me now, to destroy whatever chance there might have been for us to reconcile. Well, if so, she won.
I am now far off the DB reservation, by no longer wanting to save my M. I still don't want a D, but if things have to be the way they are, then I want to get it over with.
WHY are you still talking to her at all? It isn't bringing any resolution or peace. Each time is an instance for her to attack you; you either have to go on the defensive or roll over. Break the cycle - don't answer the phone. Let it go to voicemail. She will be more hesitant to spew if she knows she is being recorded. Ask her to email you - again, it is documented.
You don't have to engage with an abusive person. Some might say to hang up when she gets talking, but that can be seen as passive-aggressive. Better not to even give her the chance to start.
I have been "co-parenting" with my X for more than 7 months through email; it has been rare that we have spoken on the phone, and even then, not more than a few sentences about the kids. And I can sleep at night. He still spews occassionally in the emails; I archive it and never look at it again. If he wants to live his life in an angry hell, that is his choice. I don't have to.
So sorry that you have to deal with this - talk with your lawyer again...
I don't know. An exchange between W and I starts out on "business-like" terms, but it is always a mine field. One word or or mention by either me or her triggers an attack by her -- it seems sometimes she has this pathology that drives her to reestablish the hostilities, as if the lack of conflict between us might mean she is betraying the worldly value system she now clings to.
My motivations are for some misguided notion of peace and cooperation for the sake of our children. But she baits me so easily. And if I attempt to pull myself out of the confilct before it ensues, she will accuse me of being passive-aggressive. I am d*mned either way in her mind -- so why bother?
Yes, it would be better to just not deal with her directly ever again. But I worry about what that would demonstrate to my sons, seeing their father also avoid confronting the difficulties in life. Still that might be better than seeing how their mother and father cannot get along.
((((NC)))), I agree with Donna, avoid her all you can. Take care of it over email. I believe it's better for the boys not to know what is going at all. You don't have to confront conflict in front of them to show them that you are strong father. They know that already. Be the loving and supportive parent that they so deserve. Let them be little boys. They are having to grow up way too quickly because of the mess your wife has created. If your wife does try to start conflict with you in front of the boys, walk away from her and tell her that you will address the situation in an email. Do not let her suck you in with the boys around.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Yes, Yoyo, I have learned that it is best to not engage her in anything unless it is absolutely necessary. But the consequence of this is already manifesting itself.
When I picked up my S's this evening to start my week with them, I was cordial but aloof. I even refrained from stepping into her apartment, staying just outside the door. I have determined there is no reason for me to have to even enter her apartment, let alone let her drag me into her drama anymore. From the very minute I got there she was giving me instructions about the care of the boys, as if I was an ignoramus or an inexperienced servant. I let it slide and focused on my S's instead.
She will call me cold and heartless, and accuse me again of having Asperger's. I don't care anymore. I was kind and friendly, but I was obviously not going to let her draw me in again. I'm done. She has been abusive of my good will and spurned any of my attempts at civility, let alone friendliness. So, smack me with a 2 x 4 if you want, but I've already wasted too much energy at trying to be magnanimous.
When I got home with my S's I later found she had sent two emails -- a different one to two separate email accounts I have. Very weird and confusing, but nothing she does makes any sense anymore.
The first one was a re-iteration of all her many "commands" to me for caring for our sons, as if I enjoy being patronized twice in one evening. She ended that one with this quip,
Quote:
I am on-call this weekend so my calling the boys times & phones may vary. Please keep your snide ugly comments to yourself & I promise to do the same & my mom vows to say nothing snide or negative about you & not respond or take personally the snide things the boys regurgitate from you that hurt her so much before, for their sake, to protect & shield them.
Such a winning personality she has... and I am so thrilled by how she accuses me of the very crime she and her mother are guilty of, maligning the other parent in front of our S's.
Then she followed up an hour later with an email complaining of the list of items from our family home I am seeking, mostly stuff for our S's to have over at my place when they are with me. She said...
Quote:
I told my lawyer to proceed with litigation to finalize the divorce & let the judge decide these irreconcilable issues about child support, custody & property settlement. You have had ample time & I'm sick of being jerked around. I can't wait to tell a judge you wanted the kids hot wheels track.
I forwarded all her rants to my atty., explaining that I feel this new level of venom coming from W is spurred on with the return of the evil MIL.
Sorry I haven't been around. I wanted to stop in to give you a hug. She is completly out of control. I hope the judge sees right through this. Your boys need you, its not about HER anymore, its about there relationship with you.
As much as I might be mad or angry at H, I would never ever use that as a threat. They need there father, and it doesn't matter what our relationship is, Kids need both parents in their lives. She is using them as a pawn, and that boils my blood.
Hang in there, stay with it, and like yoyo said, have as much limited interaction with her as possible. Its not healthy for you, to hear those things over and over again. Don't give her the opportunity. If you have to speak to her on the phone for something, state facts, and thats all. If she starts with you, I would just politely say, I will not let myself be subjected to this anymore. Have a nice day, and hang up. I know its hard not to fight back BELIEVE me, im a fighter, but this is a never ending battle with her and her posion.
You can always email me in the alt. universe... thinking of you, take care.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
NC....wow, she is even putting it down on paper, hmm? Is there a trusted friend who could read her emails for you and just give you any real info that you need from them? I wouldn't want to look at these for even an instant.
Good on you for forwarding them to your L.
My X picks the kids up from the driveway. How old are the kids, could they come out to you?
I had to go into no contact, because the contact was making me so sick and heartbroken.
It seems like the more guilt they have, the worse they feel about themselves, the worse they lash out and try to treat us.
Turn all your attention to the kids, and hang in....
No emailing back. You are doing AWESOME at disengaging while you are in her presence. Next step, no email chit chat about the relationship. If she puts 3 paragraphs in an email about how awful you are, then asks you to pick up the boys on Monday, you answer back "I will be happy to pick the boys up on Monday".
I think you should forward those emails to your lawyer.
