I am sorry to hear about your situation. My sitch has been going on for three years now and my wife has just told me that it is finally through.
To be honest, I need to go through and read your whole situation but I would like to give you some words of encouragement...
As a guy I can tell you that just because your husband is saying that its over and that he doesn't want to work on it does not necessarily mean that its true. Men and women are different in the way we view things. As guys we tend to see everything as conflicts or obstacles. Conflicts and obstacles are things that are overcome or resolved. If we cannot see how we can overcome them or resolve them, immediately see them as failed or "lost." It may not be that your husband doesn't want to work it out, it may be that he cannot see how it can be and if the conflict cannot be resolved then he has failed or lost. If he feels the M has failed he will say that he has no interested in fixing it because he doesn't see how he can.
Again, I don't know your husband or much about your situation, so I am generalizing here. Another thing that I noticed in a lot of my guy friends after my wife pointed it out in me is that guys (at least the ones I know) tend to be a bit more self-centered than women. By self-centered I don't mean selfish, I just mean that we tend to look at the world in terms of how it is effecting us. As a prime example (and this ties into my conflict/obstacle thing as well): If I guy wants to prove his love to a girl he'll say something along the lines of "I'm going to win her back." How often do you hear women talk about "winning" back their boyfriends or husbands? But again, this goes back men approaching life from the standpoint of obstacles.
Another thing, is really reread the chapter on 180s and visit the forums here. I can tell you that at the time my wife came to me and told me ILYBNILWY three years ago, I was a self-absorbed jerk. She had tried to talk to me about it before, but I didn't hear her. It wasn't until she jarred me out of my stupor that I took a hard look at myself and how I had been. In a sense, my wife had done a 180 on me. She had always been the one to just accept my behavior. I pushed her too far and she reacted.
This obviously isn't an example of a positive 180, but it was all she could do to get through to me.
I know, I'm getting wordy here...
Anyway, my point is that sometimes I think guys don't pick up on subtlety quite as quickly, so the changes your are initiating may take some time and work to sink in. Maybe you need to look at your goals and rework them.
Most of all, take care of yourself and allow the changes you make in your life benefit you as well your marriage. It took me a long time to grasp that. For a very long time, I going through the DB making my changes in effect to try to "win her back." This time around I am making the changes because I want to be a better person for everyone. Believe me, it's been met with skepticism, but with time I will be better for it, regardless of the outcome.
Hang in there! There are things worth fighting for.
