Exposing at EA

[Still Waters]

My W came over this morning to pick up some of her stuff. She wanted to talk about our R again, and since she initiated I took the opportunity to fully expose her REAL affair.

She admitted to it, breaking down in tears again. She said that she was in such denial that she didn't tell anyone (not even her IC) about the affair. She also said that the A fizzled out in mid-January but that she did text the OM a week ago after she saw him at a party. It sounds like (and, from her phone records, it looks like) the OM lost interest and stopped returning her calls and texts in mid-January. So chances are she's feeling burned by him and doesn't want to tell me. Instead she said she's done with him.

The thing that really gets me is that she was texted him like crazy both before and after she and I went on this 3-day marriage retreat therapy weekend. What a waste of time and money to go do something like that while she was having an affair.

She still wants to date other people. She wants freedom. She wants space. She wants to find herself. I love it how everyone who says they want space and want to find themselves end up running right into the arms of OM and OW. Such BS.

I said that I couldn't control her but that I wouldn't give my blessing for her to date. If she wants to date she can, but she'll be doing so as a married woman without the blessing of her husband.

She of course was upset by my snooping, but I wouldn't let her turn it back around on me. I admitted that I snooped, but I told her that I hated every minute of it. I said that it made me sick to my stomach and I was glad to be done with the whole business. Then I said "I know it hurts that I didn't trust you enough not to snoop, but the only reason I snooped is because I knew, deep down, that you were having an affair." I let her know that the affair was painful, that my trust in her was broken, but that I had the strength to forgive her and work on rebuilding that trust. She said that I shouldn't forgive her and that she didn't think she could even forgive herself.

She's still playing the victim. She says that I can still hold my head high because of how I've handled everything while she can't. She knows that what she did is awful and that no one would support her if they knew. Lots of woe is me talk.

So should I still expose the A to her close family and small group of friends? She says it's over, and she hasn't contacted him by phone for a week, but how can I trust her? It's not like she wants to work on our marriage.