The Unfaithful Wife - That's Still Me #3

[Hope4us]

Mel, First things first. I know exactly how you're feeling. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You're experiencing exactly what we've all felt and feel everyday. It gets better, but it takes time. I'm dealing with the exact same feelings as you when it comes to the bed, house, etc. I don't know how much of my sitch you've read, but one of the things that I'm dealing with right now is our martial bed.

We have had a waterbed for almost our whole marriage (24 yrs next month). Our first waterbed was W's suggestion. Once we got one, I fell in love with it. In Sept 2007, my W moved to sleep on the couch. At first it was because she hated me and I'm sure she felt like she was cheating on OM just to be in bed with me. Fast forward a year and my exposing the A to OMW and my kids and the A ends. W tells me she's willing to continue our marriage to see if we can make it work (well, it wasn't that much of a committal, but close). We start having a marriage that many people would probably envy, except she's still on the couch and no intimacy of any kind. We go on trips, some with the kids, some just W and I. And when we're out of town, she sleeps in bed with me. After a trip to Disney in Oct (where we ML for the first time in over a year), W makes a comment about buying a new bed. I asked her why? She said she can't sleep in our waterbed with me because it's uncomfortable. I'm a big guy. NFL Linebacker build. W says I displace so much water that she can't sleep. Now I just didn't grow this big the last year and you're just figuring this out. So WTF? Then I started thinking, there were probably two times when OM could have been to our home. So I'm guessing she was in our bed with him. Totally creeps me out that I'm sleeping in it. But I won't let W know what I suspect because I think it would cause more trouble than it's worth. So we're getting a new bed. Get's delivered on Tuesday. So I'm really looking forward to Tuesday night.

Sorry if I ramble, but I think sometimes people relate when others share things from their own sitch's. If you'd rather not hear this stuff and just advise, just say.

Anyway. Everything you're feeling is completely understandable. I've read where couple's that are reconciling move to a new house because one of the spouses can't handle that the OP was in their house. Others get new furniture. I read on another website where a guy had come home and caught his W and OM doing the nasty on their couch. When they reconciled, they made a ceremony of burning the couch in a bonfire. Point is, don't think about or worry about that stuff for now. If you and your H don't get to the recovery stage, then it's all a moot point anyway isn't it? If you get to piecing your marriage back together, then deal with those things at that time.

My W is currently talking about finding a new job. She has worked for our company for almost 29 years. Makes pretty darn good money, has a good 401k from work, great retirement plan, 5 weeks vacation (6 weeks next year) and she wants to find a new job. Why? OM in our sitch is a contractor who moves from refinery to refinery every 2 - 3 years. OMW told me OM said he might be moving back to the refinery W works at in probably a year from now. I think W knows this and knows I would divorce her before living with knowing she was going to work at the same location with OM again. So she's looking for a new job so she's not there if he comes back. Of course, she hasn't told me the reason, but I'm sure that's a big part of it. Point of all this? IF you get to piecing, figure that stuff out then. Now is not the time to obsess over it because it doesn't MATTER RIGHT NOW.

You posted a question on my thread about why your H is angry with his family because they're telling him he's making a mistake. I would suspect that he's angry because he feels like not only was he betrayed by you, now he's being betrayed by his family because they're supporting you and not him. Does his family know about your A's? If not, imagine how he's feeling. There's no one he can trust to understand what he's going through, except OW. Any idea why she's still there? Right now, she's the only one who listens to him and validates what he's feeling. And now his family is discounting his pain. I'd be angry too.

I know you're struggling with the "stupid" OW. Can I make a suggestion? Why not completely forget about OW UNTIL July. Let it play out and see if she does leave in July. Be his friend and support him. The conversations you've shared you've had with him lately are good. Continue those. Come July, if she doesn't leave, then you make the decision. In the mean time, GAL. Stop worrying about OW. Like I said before, she's a problem, but not THE problem. Right now she's the only one that is truly listening to him.

Hope this helps. Now do something today and forget about OW.