A year later, facing myself... #54

[AliSuddenly]

Hmm.. you know I was thinking the same Lanzo.. if I got a chance to reconcile, I probably wouldnt ask much about her at all, I'd rather start from here, clean slate and work on US... tehre may be a few things I would ask (like what she got him for Christmas! It bothers me, but then thats my LL, thoughtful gifts)..

Jody, the DB coach said the R cant stand these questions in the early stages. I am in stage 1, stage 2 is friendship, Kalni..interestingly, skipped that stage and presumably went straight to Stage 3 - romancing/reconciling.. this takes a long time no doubt (and there is no romancing though!) ...but Jody said, questons about OW are NOT reccommended or possible even, until you get to Stage 4 - Recommitment.. so we're talkign a long way down the line, when the R is solid agaon, the WAS is recommitted and THEN the R can stand going over the past and the OW stuff. So, you're not at that stage yet.

What I thikn the problme here though, Lanzo and FG.. is that Kalnis H wont even ADMIT that there was an OW, that there was an EA even, neverlone an A... he will not admit it and refuses to allow it to be mentioned/discussed. Now.. ok, put off the dissectoin to much later, stage 4, if at all depending on whether its even relevant by then, like you have Lanzo.. but presumably, your W didnt refuse to acknowledge that there WAS an OM???

I can understand totally, the WAS not wanting to face difficult questions about it (guilt, shame, remorse, privacy etc) but I think in Kalni's case, that is unnacceptable that her H wont admit that there was (IF there was.. and I did say, can you get outside confirmation whether there was or not? Cos even your IC said maybe you will just have to believe him that there wasnt) but I think its disrespectfui and holy unloving of him to refuse to admit to it. Perhaps thats why it has become such a big deal and yow want to know now.. becuase he wont go there at all. I too would struggle with that.. my ex cant take that line, becuase everyone knows he had a gf.. but if I knew, but he wouldn admit to it, I would be very sad and hurt by that.

Anyway, thats my perspective on why this is a sticking point ! You ok today Kalni? You are a bit quiet....

Al xxxx