I guess naej is right. I could overcome alot if I felt his love. I know FG and fb2 will disagree and fb2 will tell me to show him love but I feel I have the "right" to be given some attention before I can get emotional with him. Because I dont feel loving with him. Not at all.
Kalni, I don't know what advice to give you right now because we find ourselves with similar feelings towards our H's. As for the quote above, I do know that if my H weren't trying to win me back right now, making an effort in many ways, actively showing me love, then I would have given up on our R by now. Since your H was the one who wanted to work on the M and you had reached a point where you were ready to move on, he is the one that has to actively show you love. He has to win back your love, at the very least show you that he is making a consistent effort. I don't think your feelings toward him will change otherwise. That's only my opinion, someone who finds herself in a similar sitch as you. I do like some of the MC suggestions. If only H would start doing more work to show you he loves you.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
That takes on lots of meanings.. and I feel I don't have the time to expand on them.
So for now.. we will just say.. Reverse P... and leave it at that.
"We touched a few things that showed we are far from being calm or forgiving or even understanding with each other."
Let me help you with this... DUH!!!
"H for the first time showed emotion=anger."
This is not bad.
"He said he is fed up with me convincing him about things and he will finally express what he wants and he will not back off a step on anything."
did you hear that? If not.. just read that statement.
He never said there would be any action. Never. He is gonna fight.. the way he knows how. And it is gonna suck for you. 110%
"For me the whole issue was stupid because I have been begging him to express what he wants all our common life"
Fighting a losing battle? Yes.
You asking for something.. he "can't" give. Never work.
He is capable.. and will respond. You are just doing something wrong. I know you are.
"so I was accused for reacting and acting on things life threw our and way and using my brain..."
he has done this too. Focus on how to stop it.. not how to point it out.
"he as well was alone, this one year was hard on him as well".
I have said this many times.
"it was not the same for both of us, he said he doesnt accept that, "we were both responsible"
Both of you.. right now.. have a very narrow view... of things.
"he wasnt sure what to do that would make me happy."
His fear is bad. Somehow.. some way.. you saw it. That provoked.. your fear. Which again.. was good. Not trying to be right.. just pointing to the "fact" of the matter. Someone.. being scared.. fearsome.. of what to do.. should never invoke you to be "fearful".
"And Forrest, on the way home I was thinking that either there is a big love somewhere beneath all the hurt or that I am a masochist. I cant explain why I am doing this."
Good. I am not good with words.. and cannot explain it all.
Just as with me.. there is some "Big Love".. somewhere.
I know you did not ask for this.
So.. attacking VH...
"I think that as long as he is trying to figure out what to do to "make you happy" he isn't getting it."
He is fighting a loosing battle. But this is what he knows. Make K "happy". The heart is there.. just focused on the "wrong" things.
"His focus is on the wrong person."
Yes.. and no. See.. the focus should be on K. How many people have posted saying that he should be "focused" on her? Think about it.. if you really look at it.. he is "focused" on making things better.. yet.. it seems out of time.
"If he is just worried about making you happy, he isn't thinking about making himself happy."
Anywhere else.. I would agree.
But for a WAS.. coming back.. they are gonna screw up.. the "focus".
He was "happy" from the time he said.. I wanna come home.
"I need the story. I NEED the story. I dont want the story. I NEED it. I wish he loved me enough to get over his guilt and selfshiness and approach me, hold me, talk to me sweetly and show me love."
Hmm... Lanzo.. could add a lot here. You made a choice.. K. This does not factor into it.
"You are locked into this 8 week commitment, and it is having a very negative effect on you."
You are not locked into anything.
I don't care if you are fat. Does not matter.
The "fat" does not hide who you are.
I just feel like I need to say.. Stop.
I know.. somewhere.. along the way I am missing "something". But that still does not change my point of view.
If you keep on like you have been for the past few months.. yea.. he is gonna hate you.. and you 2 will end up D.
Kalni.. Maria.. The way you are coming across right now.. is overwhelming.. for a DAM. The way you defeat.. DAM syndrome.. is to break it down.. into simple thoughts.. and actions.
A DAM is gonna say.. things are going to fast.. (Slow Down).
A DAM is gonna say.. I don't know how. (Slow Down).
A DAM is gonna say.. I need help.. showing me how to love you. (Slow Down).
A DAM.. is always gonna say.. Slow Down.
Slow down.. and figure out.. if you can love a DAM.
If you can.. love a DAM...
Then you...
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"I need the story. I NEED the story. I dont want the story. I NEED it. I wish he loved me enough to get over his guilt and selfshiness and approach me, hold me, talk to me sweetly and show me love."
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
Hmm... Lanzo.. could add a lot here. You made a choice.. K. This does not factor into it
.
Hi K,
You may just have to let this one go (for now) cos H is not gonna give you the whole story, not now, maybe never. If you try holding out for this you may never be able to move on. Letting it go means you have one less sticking point to worry about.
In my sitch I have to honestly say I have not forgiven my W for her betrayal cos I still feel a lot of the pain and it does still prey on my mind, but I don't let it dictate the course of our recovery. I've just put it all to one side for now.
One day W may decided to tell me all or one day it may not matter to me any more and I won't feel the need to know , well we'll see which comes first.
Hmm.. you know I was thinking the same Lanzo.. if I got a chance to reconcile, I probably wouldnt ask much about her at all, I'd rather start from here, clean slate and work on US... tehre may be a few things I would ask (like what she got him for Christmas! It bothers me, but then thats my LL, thoughtful gifts)..
Jody, the DB coach said the R cant stand these questions in the early stages. I am in stage 1, stage 2 is friendship, Kalni..interestingly, skipped that stage and presumably went straight to Stage 3 - romancing/reconciling.. this takes a long time no doubt (and there is no romancing though!) ...but Jody said, questons about OW are NOT reccommended or possible even, until you get to Stage 4 - Recommitment.. so we're talkign a long way down the line, when the R is solid agaon, the WAS is recommitted and THEN the R can stand going over the past and the OW stuff. So, you're not at that stage yet.
What I thikn the problme here though, Lanzo and FG.. is that Kalnis H wont even ADMIT that there was an OW, that there was an EA even, neverlone an A... he will not admit it and refuses to allow it to be mentioned/discussed. Now.. ok, put off the dissectoin to much later, stage 4, if at all depending on whether its even relevant by then, like you have Lanzo.. but presumably, your W didnt refuse to acknowledge that there WAS an OM???
I can understand totally, the WAS not wanting to face difficult questions about it (guilt, shame, remorse, privacy etc) but I think in Kalni's case, that is unnacceptable that her H wont admit that there was (IF there was.. and I did say, can you get outside confirmation whether there was or not? Cos even your IC said maybe you will just have to believe him that there wasnt) but I think its disrespectfui and holy unloving of him to refuse to admit to it. Perhaps thats why it has become such a big deal and yow want to know now.. becuase he wont go there at all. I too would struggle with that.. my ex cant take that line, becuase everyone knows he had a gf.. but if I knew, but he wouldn admit to it, I would be very sad and hurt by that.
Anyway, thats my perspective on why this is a sticking point ! You ok today Kalni? You are a bit quiet....
Al xxxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hey guys, just reading along. I am trying to remember if during my very brief stint at piecing whether I was concerned about OM. Perhaps I should have been. I was so happy to have another chance that I believe that like Lan, I put it aside for a while. I think anybody who cheats on their spouse will do everything possible to hide it as long as they can. One of the reasons is that they do not want to hurt the other person any more than they already have. Another may be because they are embarassed about what has transpired. It may be a combination of both. During the time which they were apart, many things happened to both parties (some have called it growing or knowing what one wants). I think both parties are grieving here and until that grieving period is over, there is very little chance of success. I read very few (none) acts of love that a couple trying to work things out should do in K's posts...by either party. I read more compassion in folks who are seperated or even divorced than here. To me that speaks volumes. I guess what I am trying to say is the effort may be there (counselling etc) but the passion, the friendship, the fun.....it's just not there...I can not read it. We can choose to dwell on things or we can choose to put them aside (perhaps to be revisited at a later date) and continue to move forward.
It continually amazes me how much people want them to come home. If they only knew just how much work it takes when they do I wonder how many would still have the courage to want that.
K, there is a saying in most 12 step groups that is shall we say appropo here, "progress not perfection". I am not saying this about your husband, I am speaking of you. I hope that you can find a way to see the progress that you make and are not expecting perfection out of yourself because you will be continually let down.
I also read along and wonder if you truly know what actions he could take that would make you feel like there is an effort being made. In other words are you looking for the whole ball of wax or is there some small steps that you are able to acknowledge in him?
I do not know anyone who has begun piecing and had it all peaches and cream, maybe I am wrong, but I have not seen it.
Ian, I never said it should be all peaches and cream...
So, FG, I guess you get what you wanted. Today we agreed this isn't going anywhere and we stop. We had a terrible fight with my son, 2 hours of hell in the house where we told him he would not come with us as a consequence to his actions and then later figured out we couldnt leave him back at home cause my parents couldnt babysit for him. H got furious and changed the punishment to throwing away his fav toys. He became mean and very abusive in my eyes, my D started crying saying she was scared so after 15 min of total uncontrolled yelling etc, I stopped hiding in a closet pretending I was organizing things, and told him crying (my heart was in pain) "please stop, dont torture him anymore". He was at the moment forcing S to watch him as he threw away his toys while he was begging "I cant watch, please let me go" screaming at him he has made our life hell for the last 5 years. All that while S was crying and begging.
H threw a fit at me, said I make him look bad and soon afterwards we left to go to the show. In the car, the kids fell asleep and he said "no use trying, time and money wasted" and I agreed.
We came back and when the kids went upstairs I asked him what he wants to do. First he said he didnt know, then he said "stop here, It's ok, we didnt lose anything by giving it a shot". When I objected this wasnt just "a shot" for me he said "well I felt like trying and tried".
That's when I got mad -at me- he said I've been negative and that he doesn't feel like doing anything more, so we are both to blame. He sounded relieved and said we have totally different point of views about life (heard that before).
I did ask him when did he try to make a positive move and I rejected him. I asked him what he thinks would have happened if I were lovey dovey (spel?) with him acting as if I had the memory of a goldfish and was pleasant and sweet. He said it would probably would have worked out, he doesnt know.
He left, was feeling beat and I feel like I was just used once again. K
It doenst matter anymore but all I wanted him to say was "yes, she was in the picture, lasted so long, ended in xyz". I wouldnt want to know (in this stage) how the ML or anything else.
He doesnt like me enough. For some reason he said he wanted back, I'll never know why. And things were going so bad lately, we both felt like sh!t.
My Dear Maria, that all sounds the stuff nightmares are made of. I have no words,wiser folks will come along. I am reading and holding you and all your family in my prayers. (((((((((((((())))))))))))))))
