H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey, 25 and Glam,
Just a quick note here before I turn in for the night...

No response from H, which surprises me just a little, but not much, and I'm not bothered about it. Oh, something else...I have a checking account that used to be just for my business, but since the bomb, it has become my "everything" account (except for stuff that is paid for out of H's income, like the mortgage). H made a point of saying that he didn't have access to my account, but that was ridiculous...he was with me when I set the password to it, and his name is on the account. Well, the other day when I went online to check my account, I noticed that someone had logged into it earlier that day, and I knew it wasn't me. So I changed my password and security questions to things I didn't think he would be able to guess (of course, that means *I* have to remember them!). The next day, when I logged in, I got a notice that there had been a failed attempt to access the account since I had logged out the day before. Bingo! I don't know for sure that it was him trying to access it, but nothing was ever done to the money that I didn't know about, so whoever it was wasn't being malicious, and I can't imagine that too many other people have the code.

25, you have so much wisdom and insight, I really need to sit down and respond to your thoughtful posts point by point! Thank you so much for taking the time and attention to analyze my sitch and write it down!

One thing that jumped out at me from your last post, about the parenthood thing...you definitely aren't the first person to think of that, but I don't *think* that the prospect of having children was what drew H to OW. He always seemed content to go along with my reluctance to have them (which I never made any secret of, and the reasons behind my feelings about the issue are a story of their own), and I don't remember him *ever* saying he really would like to have them. He always seemed more or less ambivalent. In fact, at one point (somewhere between five and ten years ago...I don't remember exactly when), I was seriously considering changing my mind about the issue, and he was actually dragging his feet about it more than I was! (I guess that was my biological clock ticking, but apparently that clock went out of order, or at least silent, pretty fast!). Maybe he was just worried that if he got too gung-ho about having them, I would later decide it was a big mistake and blame him. I dunno.

But regardless, any time this issue has come up since the bomb, I think about how he volunteered a comment, only a couple of months before OW appeared on the horizon, that he definitely wouldn't want to have kids now, because he would be retirement age before they finished high school! And that was two years ago, so he's now 45. OW's MySpace profile says she wants kids, which is something I turn over in my mind in an idle moment once in a while. Truthfully, I don't think about this whole thing very much any more, because it is not in my control, so it's just annoying and wastes my time. Maybe I am actually starting to detach, which I thought I might never manage. I am learning to hand things off to God and go about my business. Not perfectly, but I'm making progress.

Speaking of progress, today I managed to get a few things done today that had been hanging over my head a bit, and in some cases I am even doing them early, which is HUGE for me! I have not completed an order on time for over two years, so if I can get this procrastination thing licked, it is going to make a big difference in my life! Of course, my tendency is to focus on what I *haven't* gotten done rather than on my successes, but I am working on that.

And now, I'm falling asleep at the keyboard, so heading for bed.

Peace,
Dawn