The house is on the market

[istherehope]

Hi Julia,

Just wanted to pop in and see how you're doing. I know this must be really tough, but it does seem like you are remaining strong and dealing with it really well.

I'm sorry your H hasn't been more forthcoming about things. I'm sure he feels guilty and doesn't know how to handle being honest with you. Not saying it's an excuse because it's not, but I've always found some comfort in knowing that what the WAH does is rather textbook, and that there are explanations that really have very little to do with us.

Anyway keep us posted about everything. Thinking of you,

ITH

[JCJ]

(((T, R2C, Sandycay, Lisa, ITH)))

Thank you so much for your support, it means so much especially as I can't really talk to people in RL about this stuff. All your posts made me smile.

No reply to my email as yet, so no fixed date on a meeting. I mentioned it to a guy this morning and said that I couldn't really expect a reply yet because I had waited a week before replying and he just looked at me incredulously. He just said why are you blaming you for him not responding? Whatever the reason is for him not responding is down to him and whatever he is doing, and has nothing to do with anything you have done. And that made me laugh, I realised I had slipped back into an old cheeseless tunnel of blaming myself. And plus, there is no real reason to email me back right away. Expectations again!

I did have to email him today though to let him know that some cat insurance stuff would be coming through that he needed to sign. I hadn't realised that the cat insurance was still in his name so unfortunately he has to sign to make a claim. One visit to the vets cost me nearly £300.00. She is really poorly at the moment. Basically the thing she has is brought out by stress and all the people looking round the house is really stressing her out (she has issues, is generally needy and clingy and doesn't like change ). When the vet asked me if there was anything going on that was stressing her out it made me really cross with h and I nearly shot off a stressy email at him but I restrained myself, didn't mention it and just sent a simple one telling him to expect a claim form and asking him to sign it and send it on to me.

[mishka422]

That is interesting that this other guy recognized the self-blame. Isn't it weird that after all the growth we have done over the last year+ that we fall back into the old patterns?

THREE HUNDRED POUNDS FOR A VET BILL????? Good thing you have insurance! What's the deductible?

How many viewings have you had on the house? It's a cute place and looks just like I imagined it!

I want to thank you for stopping by my thread and your support. It means so much to know that I'm not alone and you are all out there pulling for me to get through this.

[naej]

JCJ, sympathies for the cat and bills-yuck. I spent a similar amount the end of last year but she did have her tail removed for that and other care but I wasn't insured. It came on top of spending nearly £5,000.00 (yes you read that right )on my dog earlier in the year. The first grand was covered by insurance.

I once had Russian Blue cat that was v highly strung, have you ever tried Bach Rescue Remedy it works on both my cat and dog when they are stressed.
Good job on not sending p*** email.
Selling at house is v stressful, I hated having to sell mine. Maybe get a large bottle of the Bach then you can all share.-lol

[MsMelancoly]

Ah, big vet bills - I know them well too. My cat has kidney disease - yep spent close to $3,000 on her last year (& don't have insurance on the old girl).

[JCJ]

(((mishka))) it's easy to fall back into old patterns eh. I think it is because it is my 'natural' way of thinking and then I think well, that way of thinking is pretty pathetic but then I have always felt responsible for everyone else. Something I really need to work on. Thank you for saying that about my house, I am pretty proud of it and will miss it. I am trying to get excited about creating a new home just for me. The excess I had to pay was £70 for the cat which is still a rather large chunk. I just think thank goodness we had insurance!

(((naej))) ouch on the pet bills! I will try Rescue Remedy, I used to use that for my exams at uni that is such a good suggestion, thank you. I have bought a special plug in calming smell too - apparently that is good but it doesn't seem to have made much difference so far (and apparently doesn't work on humans ) Maybe Maple and I will be downing the rescue remedy soon esp as it has alcohol in it lol!

(((Ms M))) Gosh, ouch again on the vet bills!!

The cat is doing a little better. Although hates me for having to give her eye drops and medicine. She seems better in the mornings and worse at night. H replied to my email about the cat (proves he is around hey and totally nothing to do with me that he hasn't replied to my other email! which I will follow up by text next week). He sent this back which is really nice but hard to read for me as it is so not the way we used to talk to each other, but the way we do now hey.

Hi I got your email, unfortunately we have a virus at work so I can't send any emails there. I'm really sad to hear about Maple, the poor little thing. Do you know where she got it from? I can't remember her ever being poorly before. Does the vet think she'll get better soon?

Of course I'll send the forms straight away. They didn't arrive today. Actually I think there might be an interruption in my redirection so it could come to (my house). If it does maybe you could fax it over for speed? Or post it. I'll change the name on the policy too.

Give Maple a big kiss and cuddle from me (if she'll let you!).

h.

Should I go too much into it in the reply? I suppose I should get out of bed. I have to show someone round the house in about 15 mins!!!!!! There have been loads of viewings (3-4 a week) but no offers as yet.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia,

Good luck with the viewing! Their a pain hey, having to keep the house tidy.

My cat had £6,500 spent on him before he died! And was whisked 200 miles on the back seat of a cat on a drip to a specialist Feline Hospital! Thats cat love for you! We're all cat lovers here! He was insured. I also used Bach flower remedies on my cat...use Walnut for change and letting go of the past, particularly before a house move, 1-2 drops on their food I believe (or half whatever the human dose is a day).. and start doing it a couple of weeks before the move. Thats a long way off though, if you havent had an offer.

I'm sorry you have to sell your house, that sucks, but its amazing how positive you are through it all, this has been such a bitter pill to swallow, but you are doing so with grace.

I was shocked when you said this though "..especially as I can't really talk to people in RL about this stuff."

Wow.. really? Why is that? I am still talking to those closest to me on a daily basis.. someone asks every day I mean, whats the latest, how are you feeling today? Either my Mum, or one of my two BFF, or now Cher, sometimes my sister, other friends.. but I'd say there isnt a day goes by someone doesnt check in with me about it and how I feel about my loss.. because it is, its like a death. If your H had died, I'd be equally shocked that 10 months after he was finally gone, you felt you couldnt talk to anyone about him/your grief.

So..I was just curious as to why that was, and if its healthy for you to have to pin on a front and not mention that you still think about him, especially as you were M and then he left within the year. Is it you, could you open up more to people around you? Have you, or would you go to IC even? (I have been going weekly, apart from the odd gap, for a year and it shows too, because I'm not the person I used to be!). Anyway, just wanted to raise this and not skip on by it.. perhaps like people in RL are doing with you !!

As for his email.. I know its so hard to read isnt it. I had an email off my ex this week, that in NO WAY belies what he actually feels and confided to BMF. Not a glimmer. So, who knows? I get the impression he is trying to be very very nice.. remember what my therapist said about animals often being the vessel for communication between people when its difficult to show emotion to one another? So.. in showing great concern and care for your cat and saying "give her a kiss for me".. he is showing care and concern and love for you. Shes just a cat for godsakes! NOW.. I'm not saying thats romantic love, or he wants back, or has changed his mind, or any of that.. but I think it DOES show that he still cares about you and thinks of you and wants you to be ok... afterall, he's not a b*stard, right?

Were you planning to reply to it? He did ask you two questions, I noticed.. Thinking of you,
Al xxx

[MsMelancoly]

I agree, his email does show concern, even if it's via Maple. He also feels comfortable to show his concern. He could have just written a sentance or a few words, but that's not the case.

Putting your house on the market & having showings all the time must be hell. I treasure my privacy as well. Julia, you are doing great & being so strong.

My answer to Ali's question about not talking in RL. For me I was sick & tired of the advise & would just get pissed off. I needed to find my own way whether my friends & family agreed or not. Many friends can be emotional bullies, & cannot give the support you need - which is simple understanding.

Sorry, to hijack your thread Julia.

[istherehope]

Hi Julia,

I'm thinking of you...While it must be hellish to have to go through the viewings and such, from your own words I've seen that you are looking forward to starting the next chapter in your life. I'd say that once you are through this rough patch, you will be able to find a place to live that is your place, your choice, and free of memories happy and unhappy. I'm in no way implying that you can't still work things out with your H, only that you will be starting from a real position of strength.

I have to tell you again how much I admire your willingness to stick with it. As much as I love my H and am really glad I stuck through what was hopefully the worst and most painful part of the process, I am not sure I would have done it had I been younger. I think you are amazing, and have such resilience, honestly.

In terms of your interactions with your H, yes I'd say he believes he has moved on, but his conversations with you are getting more and more comfortable. My impression is that if you do want to work things out still, the best way would be to build on this new comfort and let him see what he is missing out on--a confident, vibrant, and honorable woman. I know nothing about OW, but I do know it's likely she'll lose her shine--who can really have long-term respect for a woman who is willing to move in with a married man?

As for not being able to talk to people in RL, I understand where you are coming from. I never wanted people to cloud my judgment, and introduce negativity when it was hard enough to force myself to feel positive.

Hope you're having a nice Sunday. It's actually snowing in Dublin, something that I understand hasn't really happened for 20+ years here...maybe I won't be able to make it to work tomorrow :).

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Ahhh.. thats an interesting perspective, I hadnt thought of that, that some of us avoid talking to RL people (and talk here instead) becuase people in RL can be too negative, or judgemental. I've had a bit of that early on, but it makes me realise I am lucky that my friends and family have been very supportive and 'get' DBing and also, dont bad mouth my ex. I did take great pains to explain the concept of DBing, and being forgiving and patient etc (as some people suggested things like "I'd rip his head off!").

I like ITHs point, I thought that too.. he didnt HAVE to send a warm email like that, he does seem to be growing a little confidence in being friendlier with you. Hope the viewing went ok and you are having a good weekend,
Al xxx