My Sad WAH Story: Is there Hope?

[MomInPain]

*Journal* *Venting*

Tonight I had a great time with the kids. We went to Wed Bible study. Remember when we used to do that together? Why did we stop? If only we would have kept God in our lives, maybe this wouldn't be happening. I think God would really be a good thing for you right now. I fear for you and whatever you are choosing to do with your life. I fear that the choice you have made to abandon your family will weigh heavily on your conscience.

At the same time, I miss you. I miss your hugs and kisses. I miss how you held me and helped me to feel safe when the whole world around me was crumbling. I miss your big hands cupping my face, telling me everything would be alright. I miss your brown eyes looking into mine with adoration and love. All of these things I miss and there isn't a thing I can do about it. Suddenly and swiftly you took all of these things away from me.

Why is today harder than yesterday? Why can't I stop the tears from falling? Why can't I hate you for what you have done to us? Why do I feel like I'm the only one in the world hurting?

My least favorite part of the day is night time. I really hate sleeping in our big bed alone. It's just so empty. I don't sleep well, I haven't in months, but I guess you haven't either. At least that's what you told me. I feel bad for you but at the same time I'm glad. I'm glad your not happier since you've left. I'm glad your not sleeping better since you left. I'm glad your life sucks a$$ since you left. But still you won't admit that it's not me or our marriage that is making you unhappy.

I'll be starting counseling soon, without you. You agreed to counseling when you first left, now you refuse. You don't want me. I hope that it will help me to start letting go of you, because that is what I am having the hardest time doing. All the pain that you have caused me and I still miss you like you just left.

I should have bought more tissue.

[MomInPain]

babygirl, you mean FB? what is alt sc?

[sonshyn]

{{MIP}}}

I can feel your hurt and pain in your journal. I wrote many of those letters to my H in my journal, and then the angry ones as well. I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better, but just know that I am praying for you and to take all of this one day at a time.

God Bless!
k

[native]

You know, time does help. It is going to take some time for H to realize he misses you. Don't pursue, text, call etc, not until you KNOW he is going to be receptive. And then, don't move faster than he is. I'm sure you know all this.

I am saying this bc it has been almost a year since my W dropped the bomb and she has gone up and down, back and forth.

Truth is, it is terribly hard for the WAS as well. They are lost in a way.

The best you can do is to determine what things you contributed to the breakdown and change them, wait, try something different than the things that did not work in the past, and wait some more.

I recently had a lunch with W and acknowledged her hurts, and what I would commit to do about it. She really appreciated hearing it. I didn't expect her to jump in my arms, but since that time her tone towards me has been much better, she even said she missed me.

I think you have to be a friend of time and become a great observer.

Take care of yourself and ALWAYS LOOK HOT.

He will notice. Act as if you are going on with your life. Put him in God's hands.

Take your vitamins. Get your rest. Drink lots of water. Take a walk... do good things for yourself and find some new interests.

If you are interested in things, you will be interesting. You want to be interesting, so get interested in something.

It will be ok. It is a rollercoaster, but look past the temporary ups and downs, there is a bigger picture.

God bless !

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, MIP!

FB is the "alt" (i.e. alternative universe). You can look me up under "SChrldr". I think sandycay and I are a couple of hours from you.......and I just found out that GG will be visiting soon in the area.

Send me a friend request, and maybe we can hook up......

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[MomInPain]

TJ - Your already my friend. lol. My Initials are DJ
Who is GG? Yes, we should definitely hook up!

[MomInPain]

Native,

I really appreciate your words of encouragement. It really is a test of faith isn't it?

I have finished reading "Love must be Tough" and DR. I have been doing a lot of 180's since he left, and I do see what I did to contribute.

He's so stubborn though, I just worry that it's too little too late.

One major change that I am making is going back to school. I've been a stay at home mom for over 10 years. And now I'm am taking the initiative and going to college to become an RN. It's going to be tough but I know it will be the best thing for me no matter what happens. Plus it gives me something to worry about other than H.

[MomInPain]

I really HATE the weekends that I know H is free. My kids are both at friends houses so I of course have nothing to do but imagine what my H is doing. Damn it!

None of my friends are available, no one ever calls me to go out. Don't they know I need them!!!

I feel so pathetic sometimes! lol

[MomInPain]

It's been a tough day. I woke up this morning and it just started "sad". I had that dream again. You know, the one where we all live happily ever after. Ya, I really hate that dream.
I love how relived I feel for like the first 5 seconds I wake up only to have it all wash away and turn to dread all over again.

I spent Friday evening with D8, we had a great time. She asked me some questions about how I felt when my parents got divorced. I told her that it was hard because I didn't understand why they got divorced for the longest time. Now I know it was physical abuse, but at the time I remember being very confused and blamed myself.
She admitted to feeling confused as well because she didn't understand why Dad wanted to leave. She always remembers us being happy and loving. Only remembers us arguing just a bit. I told her I was sorry, and only Dad knows why he left. But I do know that we both love you very much and I will always love your dad. He just needs to figure things out for him and we will all be just fine.

Saturday (tonight) I had s10 all to myself as d8 was at a friends house. He had the same questions.......so I pretty much explained the same to him. I can be a bit more animated with S10, he's a little clown. lol He had mentioned that dad asks them about me every time he picks them up for his weekends. I was a bit surprised to hear that he asks about me. Made me feel good but at the same time made me miss him. aarrrrgggghhhh

So here I sit, all alone on a Saturday night. Nothing to do and I keep filing my brain with H. I am so scared I am going to get to a point when I will be so angry and will never be able to forgive him for what he has put us through.

Thoughts?

[Mellenmack]

Oh, honey, I am here with you tonight.

I know our stitches are a little different, but I am here alone, too. D4 is in bed. I should be trying to go to sleep but I haven't had any luck yet. I just can't drift off. I don't know about the forgiving either. I would like to forgive because I want to be forgiven, but sometimes, it is just too much to ask. It was prolly too much for me to ask of him, and now sometimes like you, I worry is too much for him to ask of me.

DAM, anyway.

Melissa