My Sad WAH Story: Is there Hope?

[MomInPain]

It's been a tough day. I woke up this morning and it just started "sad". I had that dream again. You know, the one where we all live happily ever after. Ya, I really hate that dream.
I love how relived I feel for like the first 5 seconds I wake up only to have it all wash away and turn to dread all over again.

I spent Friday evening with D8, we had a great time. She asked me some questions about how I felt when my parents got divorced. I told her that it was hard because I didn't understand why they got divorced for the longest time. Now I know it was physical abuse, but at the time I remember being very confused and blamed myself.
She admitted to feeling confused as well because she didn't understand why Dad wanted to leave. She always remembers us being happy and loving. Only remembers us arguing just a bit. I told her I was sorry, and only Dad knows why he left. But I do know that we both love you very much and I will always love your dad. He just needs to figure things out for him and we will all be just fine.

Saturday (tonight) I had s10 all to myself as d8 was at a friends house. He had the same questions.......so I pretty much explained the same to him. I can be a bit more animated with S10, he's a little clown. lol He had mentioned that dad asks them about me every time he picks them up for his weekends. I was a bit surprised to hear that he asks about me. Made me feel good but at the same time made me miss him. aarrrrgggghhhh

So here I sit, all alone on a Saturday night. Nothing to do and I keep filing my brain with H. I am so scared I am going to get to a point when I will be so angry and will never be able to forgive him for what he has put us through.

Thoughts?