The Unfaithful Wife - That's Still Me #3

[Mellenmack]

Pollyanna,
I certainly don't mind. EVERYTHING helps me, too, and I'd be a fool if I said otherwise.

Melissa

[Hope4us]

I'm happy to hear that you're talking to a C and he/she is helping you. Whatever happens it sounds like you'll be ok. Might not be what you want, but you'll be ok. And I can just imagine how it must have been for him to discover that not only had his W cheated on him last year, but had done it before 3 years ago. Right now he doesn't know what is real and what isn't real in his life. More on this at the end.

Don't think because he wants to "be with you" that it's not a PA. My W and I regularily ML right up until the bomb. I'm talking 3-4 times a week while she was being with OM 1-2 times per week at the same time (she was a busy girl!). My take on it is he's confused and isn't quite sure he wants to have it end with you, but he doesn't want to give up OW either because she's "safe".

As to whether you just "bend over" or not is up to you. If you want to ML with your husband, then do it. Don't do it to try to entice him back. There are some people who advocate that women continue ML with their wayward H's to keep that connection. I'm the H in my sitch, so I can't say whether to do so or not. But do it only if YOU want to and can handle knowing that he's probably being with OW too.

I'm not saying be a doormat. Not by any stretch. But you have to decide what's best for you. Can you continue this way? If not, then maybe it's time to go a little dark on him. He knows you want to reconcile correct? So if he's still coming to you to have his needs filled all must not be perfect in lala land. Only question is can you handle it the way it is?

Now a little on how he's feeling. My W had never given me any thing to worry about throughout our marriage. But since her A, there are just so many things that go through my mind. That one time when we were living together before we got married and she had a hair appt in our work city so we drove to work separate that day. She decided to go out with a GF for drinks. Never came home. It was a good idea not to drive 45 minutes after drinking, but now I wonder if she spent the night with an old boyfriend or some random hook up even though when asked GF about it she said no that W just had too much to drink and spent the night at her apartment. Another time. W went to Myrtle Beach for a few days with a GF. GF's H (and GF too) went to school together and when W and I got together, GF and W became good friends. So when they were done in Myrtle Beach they had to drive to Charlotte to catch a plane. GF had some clients (she was a travel agent) that she'd become friends with in Charlotte so W and GF spent the night there prior to catching their flight. When she got home she was telling me all about her trip and told me about the BIL of this client. How he was hitting on her and she thought he was a zero and blew him off. A couple years later W and I were in the Smoky Mtn's National Park. We rented some intertubes and were floating down a river in the park. There was one place where probably 300 people had gathered in this pool before shooting the rapids. We were there for a bit and W almost had a panic attack because she saw the BIL from Charlotte. Mind you, there were 300 people and she'd seen him once for a few hours 3 years before, but she wanted to get out of that area so he wouldn't possibly recognize her. I thought it was weird at the time, but now I wonder if she hooked up with him that night in Charlotte. My friend D (the GF W was with) says they didn't have the time for it to happen, but who knows. There are a few other times that things happened that in the past never gave me any worry that something might have happened with W and some guy, but now I just don't know.

Sorry that was long, but I wanted to try to show you what is probably going on in his head.

Hope this helps.

[Hope4us]

Polly, Yes, sometimes they do wake up. Mostly when they feel they're losing you. That's where GAL is so important. But most of the time it's a slow process where little by little they realize what's going on.

OW will lose their appeal when real life hits their R. If your H is early in the A, everything is perfect because they aren't seeing all the warts that everyone has. As bad as this sounds, the more time they spend together, the better for you because it'll give them a chance to see each other for who they really are. I had an MC tell me that in my sitch, it was the worst thing that could happen when OM moved 250 miles away, because then the A just took on an even more mythical quality. W had to plan the get aways and the distance made her want OM even more.

Could revenge A's become the love of their life? Sure. I personally know two couples that began as A's that divorced their spouses, married and are still together years later. But that's the exception, not the rule.

Time frames are a toughy. Chemicals flooding the brain of someone in an A can last as long as 2 years. They don't call it a Honeymoon period for nothing. Do they all last 2 years? No. But it could last that long or even longer. Just depends. DB recommends waiting it out. Some other sites recommend doing things to put some reality into the A. Many times that can cause the A to implode. My W's A didn't end until I told my kids what was going on. My S16 already knew what was going on, but when I confirmed for him what he knew was true, he shreaded his mother and that brought her back to reality in a big hurry. Now I'm not saying to do that. Everyone has to decide for themselves whether to expose or not. That pain I caused my W by telling the kids is something I'm still dealing with 9 months later. I think we're getting better, but she's having to learn to trust me even though she had the A, because I broke her trust by telling the kids. It was the right thing for me because we'd be divorced right now if I hadn't and by telling them we have a chance, but it's been a long road that I'm not sure I'd travel this road again if I knew it'd take this long.

In the absense of snooping so you know if he's done with OW or not, there is a saying "bad mood = good, good mood = bad". Your H being in a bad mood is good because that means there's trouble in paradise. Him in a good mood is bad because he's getting his high from OW.

You are absolutely correct. People in A's turn into something you don't recognize. I could tell you stories of things my W did that were so unlike her I didn't know if she was someone totally different wrapped up in my W's body. Odds are, your H is going to have to hit rock bottom before he begins to come around. That's what my telling my kids did to W. Made her hit rock bottom.

[K4D]

I would say don't sleep with him unless you are comfortable with him leaving and going back to OW. Sleeping with him doesn't mean the M is getting fixed. It just means you are a booty call. If you can handle it and want it, go for it. If it is going to affect you after when he leaves, don't do it. It will hurt more.

I say this and I slept with my W today. But I know that tomorrow and Monday when I take off for Florida, its going to be harder on me because I did. I wanted the connection and the physical part also. But its going to hurt me here very shortly. In fact it already is because now she is discussing the custody agreement.

If you can do it and not have any feelings hurt you after. Go ahead. But otherwise, don't do it.

W is sitting here watching S3x and the city. She watches it regularly. Wonder if that is where she gets some of her ideas from. I have really grown to dislike that show now that everything has happened.

Anyways, we are here for ya. Just make sure whatever you do, you can handle it after.

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

H4U and Kevin,
Thanks. I haven't been able to handle it in the past. That's why I had to finally detach. Even just being "friends" is hard, but parts of it are easier, too. When I am in no-talk mode, the days drag forever, even though I am finding something else to do. In a way, it's one less thing to think about except I am thinking about it anyway. Not a true detachment, I know, thank you very much.

But when we do talk, life seems almost normal, I have hope, and I am happier and so is he.

I wish he would keep seeing the C, but I don't think he will. Don't know.

I did realize one thing though, j. This is more about OW than you prolly wanted to know. She was supposed to go tdy the end of October. So she takes her kids to Hawaii, marries the one kid's dad, and leaves them there with her new H. Then she came back, whined to the USAF about peeing herself and got out of her tdy. Did not go get her kids. Is still leaving her kids with new H. New H is complaining because she's not sending any money home. Well, loser, that's cause she's spending it all on furniture and expensive toys for her kids. So she's then also not paying my H rent or anything else but he says she "helps out". Yeah, by cooking, or something. I'm like whatever and I let it go. But then my H's mom tells me that H is helping OW pay for something at WalMart when inlaws were down the weekend before Christmas. So he is shelling out money for her to live with him. Don't ya'll laugh at me!!! So I'm sure he is having a few issues with her, prolly over money if he is bailing her out every time they are at WalMart. In the meantime, I am making half, easily of what he makes and not getting help from anyone, and still managing to keep me and D4 afloat. So maybe that is one positive aspect about me, that I don't beg him for money or buy JUNK at WalMart and then expect him to pay for it.

Thanks for being there. I do greatly appreciate it.

Melissa

[pollyanna]

OW will lose their appeal when real life hits their R.

i thought that - They have just had 8 weeks of parties, xmas, little holiday etc. So who knows. I do know OW has 2 teenage boys. So will be interesting.

H is open with OW now. Has tried pressuring my kids to meet her. They have refused so he has done surprise meetings and my Son was forced to say hello. H says don't know what the problem is "she is just a friend " My kids have said enough. They are tired of every occasion with H ending up upsetting. Both have asked to cut contact with him as far as possible. I have said that I would support anythinng that they find comfortable and that I would not think any worse or better of them , whatever the decision.

Sorry M I should take this to my thread.

[K4D]

That is positive and that is great. That OW has serious issues. Not sure what your H sees in her. Someone like that would scare me the he!! away.

Sounds like you are playing things very cool. I'll bet either he gets tired of the crap or she pulls something stupid on him and again he says to heck with her.

I'd just be patient. I think there is more promise than you might think at the moment. Just sit back and do your thing. I'll bet he comes back around once he gets tired of this OW pulling crap.

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

I truly do believe the light is going to come on for him in July. She is getting forced out BECAUSE SHE IS STUPID but I won't go there. So in June or July she is supposed to take her happy arse packing back to Hawaii.

But I am willing to bet money that she finds a way or creates a way to keep living with my H. I would almost even want to bet that she will beg to stay here because she is wanting to D her H and will say that she thinks it would benefit her to keep living here in NM, sponging off my H.

Guess we will see.

Melissa

[Mellenmack]

AAARRGGGHhh..I hate the nights. I do okay most of the time, I guess. Even nights, but after this week, I guess I'm just not doing so great.

I just get so dang mad at him. He says he wants the D but he doesn't want to rush into a D. Which is good, I guess, I know. But that he wants to go slow. And if we rebuild on our terms, then okay, but not on everyone else's, like his family wants. I can understand that. But part of me can't help but feel like he is wanting to go slow so that he can help out his stupid OW until she leaves in July. And what happens in July if she leaves and then he's like, oh, yeah, let's go ahead and work things out, move back in, baby, I love you....I know I'm not going to be able to go for that.

God! How the hell could I go back to living in that house now?? I NEVER had OM there. He showed up there one day out of the blue and I about went crazy pushing him out the door as fast as I could. I did NOT want him there. The house was always just me and H. And I never took OM home to my parents, much less sleep in the same bed at my parents. HTF am I supposed to do those things if we R??? I never want to sleep in that effing bed again at his parents. I never want to live in that stupid house again after she has been there. And if she is there for the next 5 months??? How??? What is wrong with me????

[SRTTF]

(((Mel))))

I understand all of your confusion. Why can't the OW get her own place? If she isn't paying rent, what is it that he is helping her with? Does H ever stay at your place?

Just a few things I was thinking about.
Try to keep it one day at a time....