Divorce looming #4

[K4D]

Mel,

I lived in Florida for 5 years with my W and daughters before we came back to Dallas a year ago.

I walked the beach many times alone. I also spent time on the beach with W and kids.

The beach is a beautiful thing. The waves. The peace. It gives you a chance to reflect on things.

Thats the problem. I will reflect and remember. And I will be alone when I do. Its not good for me. If I am going to move on, walking alone on the beach is not the best idea for me. To many memories. To much to take in that I am trying to move on from.

I'm not a loner. Never have been. Don't want to be. I made a real mess of my life in my M. I drove away the person that mattered most to me in my life. It would be hard to go to the beach and face my past alone.

The beach also brings thoughts about now. Right here and now. I don't know who I am right now. I don't know that walking along the beach or sitting on the beach helps me find myself.

Right now, I need to move on. I can't reflect anymore. I can't change what is. I can only try and change what is to be. And that means changing who I am and figuring out who I am. I don't know who I am right now. I have to figure that out. For to long my identity has been my W. It wasn't healthy. It isn't healthy.

I have to find myself. I truly do believe I was and am co-dependent on her. I have a scary new world to face without her. I have to learn how to adapt to that new world. And in order to do so, I have to force myself to find out who I am by doing new things.

The waves bring many things. Peace, memories, future thoughts, etc.

I'm sure I will walk it at some point. But I can't walk it until I have started figuring out who I am. Its almost like I need to walk it once I have discovered who I am so I can lay the past to rest.

I don't know if that makes any sense. But thats kind of where I am at right now.

Kevin