WAW madly in love with OM

[ppenton]

My wife moved out and left me and our kids for OM. She told me about a month ago she met someone and is in love with him and not me. I was blind-sided as she told me up until last month how happy she was in our marriage. No talk about divorcing yet and I'd like to work on getting her back. Have found the Divorce Remedy book and started reading it, up to Step 5 now.

Background: We met in 1986 and married in 1992 and have teenage 2 sons. When she first told me I did beg, plead, cried for her to stay which she did for a month but she was still seeing OM. I have stopped texting and calling her at all hours of the day and night as I thought that would drive her crazy and further away. She met OM in October, which is not unusual for her to meet and make friends with male/females as she is very out going and makes friends easily. I was not concerned about this person until I noticed many text messages between them and I confronted W on Dec 1, 08 and she apologized and said she would stop contact with him. She then started therapy on her own on Dec 2, and whenever we talked and she told me everything was fine and she didn't want to leave me. So, I believed her and since I didn't see any calls/texts between them I thought it was over and everything was ok. However, when she told me on Dec 27, 08 that she started sleeping with him I was shocked and she revealed she had a disposable phone and that's how they were communicating. One of her issues is she is depressed and I helped her get to a psychiatrist and adjust her medication. I wrongly thought that would help us, instead it helped her and OM. It’s going to be hard to avoid her as she still wants to be involved with the kids, in taking them to school and bringing them home, so I see her in the morning when I'm getting ready for work.

I am still madly in love with W and we have been best friends since we met. Part of me really wants her to be happy as she is a great mother and I want her to continue to be the best mom she can be.

One thing I do know is we were living in the status quo which worked for so long that I don't think either of us noticed it was harming our M until this new person came along. She spent free time either lying in bed or going out with friends and I was home with the kids and just doing my own things. I'm starting to realize that even though she was home and seemed happy I should have paid more attention to her. She never nagged or complained to me or invited me out. However, I should have invited her out at times or just ask her if I could come along. Like I said we did this for years and everything always seemed fine and working. I'm still trying to think if there was any change in her that I should have seen. I am surprised how quickly she wants to throw away our R after so many yrs together for a brand new R. I guess I'm still learning about affairs. I wished I would have found this site and books months ago...maybe could have prevented this heartache now. Who knows but glad I'm here now and learning so much. Its been very hard and I miss W so much! But I don't cling on her and I stopped telling her how much I love and miss her.

I have started counseling to help me through this horrible situation, he told me to hang in there and take care of myself which I am trying. W therapist is encouraging her to follow her heart no matter who else gets hurt in the process; didn’t encourage her to come to me even when she first started to fall in love with OM.

Our marriage counselor still encouraging both of us to work on M, he is very baffled by W’s actions. He’s wondering why she is running and she really hasn’t been able to answer that question yet. Then we got into a fight (which is unusual) I told W how unhappy I was that she did not come to me in Aug, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec or Jan to work on our marriage after she promised me, the kids and anyone that would listen that she would never leave me and would always work on this marriage. She started crying and yelling at me, so it was not productive. I'm still not sure why or how fast this is happening. Then the counselor, W and I agreed that until she was ready to reconcile or we need him that we don't have to come every week, only as needed. This was a reality check for me. She then went to her counselor and came out all smiles as he gave her some things she can work which I assume is for her new relationship (I'm not sure) Then in the car ride home she told how she is going to quit smoking (at least try), keep her weight down and be happy. I told her again how jealous I am of OM as he gets the new, slimmer, sexier, now wants to have sex woman. In addition, I told her that all I did these past few weeks to get her better I would do again (as much as it hurts), I do want her to be happy and healthy for our kids.

I have started to GAL and trying to find some 180s for myself.

I definitely let W do the talking and explaining to the kids about her new life with OM and leaving...I'll be here for them to lean on as W is spending less and less time with them. Very surprised she doesn't think she needs to see them often...this is not the same person I knew a few weeks ago who would never want to miss being with her kids...

I know W is still worried about me as she keeps checking on me to see if I'm ok and I'll respond yes and sometimes she's ok with that and other times she presses for more. I'm still so confused and in shock about this whole thing!

Now that the kids know about OM, I've been telling people which is embarrassing her but its making her (in her words) more determined to make this work with OM to prove everyone wrong. So, right now I need to work on myself. She is being very selfish and throwing away a great M. I asked her what her plans are with OM, she doesn't really have a plan except that she is so in love.

W and I are still discussing our separation terms. I think it was an eye opener for W as I have put in a lot effort to come up with these suggestions. BTW: W therapist does not believe in MLC and my W loves him.

I have been in contact with the school counselors for the kids as they are pretty angry and scared.

W even mentioned that if it doesn’t work out that she may just go on her own anyway. W’s therapist told her she needs to decide for herself what she wants in regards to moving in with OM. I’m surprised she is moving so quickly to a new relationship before this one is officially over and she still cares a great deal for me. She cannot answer if she still wants to be married to me but she says there is no romantic feelings for me. I told her that with the new romance there is no room for me. I’m just going to take one day at a time and work with my therapist to find the best way to move along. At least I’m still home with the kids and W and I need to find a way to keep the house as my income alone will not make ends meet.

I’m very sad, angry and disappointed that W did this to me and does not want to try and work on our marriage. Over the years she reassured me that we would never get divorced and now we are going down that path. She never wanted to put our kids into this situation and I'm not sure why she is so in love with this OM. I hope he is worth everything she is going to destroy. I guess I'm still in shock that she did this to me after everything I have done for her all these years! I'm so jealous of him as he is getting the new, incredible W, which I helped get better and he gets to reap the benefits. I guess that is how life goes sometimes. Its amazing how much stress and heartache the body can take.