Five, Four, Three, Two, One....

[Corri]

I’ve decided to call you Brian because it is shorter to type:

You are correct, I do not know you. I guessed.

If your return post is any indication, I'd say I was pretty good at guessing what would push your buttons. It was a dirty, rotten, stinking underhanded thing for me to do.

The tone of your responses seem to willfully ignore the fact that my W has explicitly stated, in front of me and a therapist on multiple occasions, that she is willing and able to take specific steps toward improving our relationship. We each had our lists of wants, and I have followed through. She has not. Let me repeat that....SHE HAS NOT.

Again, you are correct. She has not. At least, I assume she hasn't based on what you've said. Now what?

Have you asked her if she thinks she's been working on the issues you've discussed in therapy the last two months? You may have already responded to this one and I can't go look right now to see, so please refresh me if you would. If you did ask her, what did she say? If you haven't, why not ask?

How long does a spouse put up with THAT?

I don't know...how long does one dig for gold before they decide to give up? I suppose that all depends on how bad one wants to find gold. I'm not being flippant. My H would say he put up with it for 13 years. I'd say I put up with it for 13 years. In the year 2000 (10 yr mark), I decided I'd give my marriage one more year, and if it hadn't improved, I was bailing. I did the same thing in 2001, 2002, and 2003.

I hit pay dirt the fourth month of 2003.

But I'm pretty much a tenacious b*tch when I want to be, hardheaded, I can debate like an SOB on wheels, I can admit when I'm wrong even though there isn't anything I hate more than eating crow, I can be rather preachy, can be condescending with the best of them, and last, but in no way least, I'm more stubborn than 100 frickin mules put together if given a cause I believe in.

I've settled on you as my latest cause because I personally believe you've got what it takes to find your gold.

I don't really think you are accurate in saying that I'm only playing a game of barter by doing good things for her.

I didn't say you were playing a game. I said when one gives something and wants something in return, that is called bartering. Look it up.

How dare you say that!

Because I can. It's a free world. I didn't say you had to agree with me. We can be civil, you know.

Rather presumptuous of you, don't you think?

Yes, I do. Don't you just hate it when other people presume, presume, presume, especially when one hasn't walked in someone else's shoes, or criticizes something or someone when they haven't even tried it themselves? It is just down right annoying when people do that.

You don't have me figured out like you think you do.

That really got you when I said that, didn't it?

Please don't project your H onto me, or some composite picture that you have of other men on this BB.

Okay. Deal. (I didn't do that, for the record. I personally think you and I would last exactly 8.5 seconds in a room together, so rest assured I did not compare you with my H. You share a similar quality in that you both describe yourselves as logical thinkers. That’s all I said).

I am as aware as anyone, just through life experience, that doing good makes me feel good, whether it be for my W, my daughters, my mother, co-workers, or total strangers.

Okay, great. So then why do you continue to list out all the stuff you do for her and have nothing to show for it? If you're not worried about it, why even bring it up? Where's the relevance?

A marriage is a partnership, where there is give and take.

Who the HELL told you that?

I just feel like for me it's give, give, give.

See, we’re onto that giving thing again, and I’m thinking this is a real sticking point with you. If you feel good when you give because that is in fact why you give (as you have clearly stated), what's your point?

The only thing I can say that I'm really keeping track of is how often we have sexual encounters. That is because sex is important to me. Duh!

I personally keep track of rainy days so I know exactly how many days the sun is not showing up to provide me with all that sunshine I love and need. I'm pretty pissed at the sun right now because it has withheld so much from me this summer.

And I bet your thinking I'm a pretty serious nut case right now because we all know that no one has that kind of control.

Cathy's post scared the [censored] of you, didn't it? It did me, too. It should. You might want to print that one, and keep it to read when you're feeling at wits end.

how would any of you advise my W, if you could? I'd really like your advice from another angle. Is your advice: You go girl, you're doing great?

Absolutely not. But I would ask her if she thought she was trying to meet her goals. If she said no, I'd ask why she thought she wasn't, or maybe couldn't. And then I guess I'd go from there.

And Brian, I promise I won't call you condescending again 'cuz I can see how it really pisses you off.

Corri