The Unfaithful Wife - That's Still Me #3

[Hope4us]

Mel, Well, you asked for it.....

First let me say, I'm not justifying in any way the way your H is acting or condoning what he's doing with OW, whether it's it's an EA (which I doubt) or a full blown EA/PA (which I suspect). It's not right. Nothing you have done is justification for what he's doing.

I'll also say, I understand completely, from what condition your marriage was in, how you let yourself get to the point where your A's were an option to you. I really understand.

But from my point of view, when you chose to have not just one, but two A's, you gave up all rights to expect ANYTHING from your H when it comes to your marriage. I hear you saying, yes, I had two A's, and I understand now that they were mistakes, BUT now that I get it, why isn't he just getting over it and working on our marriage?

Yes, he has problems. The drinking is a problem. His being oversea's and you being lonely all lead up to the perfect storm of you being vulnerable to an A. I get it. But to him, you betrayed him in the worst possible way, and now you want him to just get over it and accept you've changed and everything will be ok now? Right now he doesn't think there is anyway he can trust you. And you know what? If I was in his shoes, I'd think the same thing.

If you want to save your marriage, you HAVE to give him the space to let him come to the conclusion that it's what HE wants. Nothing you say to try to convince him is going to matter one bit. Because he didn't get a choice in whether you had your two A's did he? How do you do that? Continue GAL. Continue being the woman he would be a fool to not want to be with. This OW? She's nothing. She's a distraction to make himself feel good so he doesn't have to deal with the betrayal he's suffered at the hands of the one person he thought he could trust the most. Just like you realize your OM's were a distraction. And you figured that out on your own, didn't you? He's going to have to figure it out on his own also.

If I'm him, right now, I couldn't care less if you don't approve of what he's doing, who he's scr*wing, how he's living his life. You gave up that right the first time (and second) you let yourself get involved with someone else outside of the marriage.

Maybe reading on these boards doesn't help you in the respect that there are a whole bunch of men/women on here that are willing to forgive their spouses for their betrayals, really look at themselves to see how their actions have contributed to the condition of their marriages that allowed an A to happen, and move forward to create the kind of marriage both parties want. But I can assure you, we're a minority.

I don't remember if I've read whether you guys really dealt with your first A or not. If you did, then he's feeling doubly betrayed. If not, he's still feeling doubly betrayed because he just moved on after the first, probably like you said you wanted, and then it happens again. HOW can he trust anything you say?

Look, You guys separated last July while you were still in contact with OM #2. 7 months is nothing in a sitch like this. Everyone deals with betrayal in their own ways and on their own time frames. I've been at this for going on two years since I first became suspicious. And my W is the one that had the affair. It's going to take a long time.

So the way I see it is this. You need to make a decision on whether you're willing to wait this out and give him the time to figure it out on his own, including his contribution to what caused your marriage breakdwon, or you're not.

If you're not willing to give him the time, then drop the rope and get on with your life. If you do love him and want to reconcile your marriage, GAL, become his true friend so he can see what he's going to be missing, and give him the time he needs to deal with it.

I'll say again, OW is a problem, but not THE problem. The problem is waiting it out until his anger can subside and trust can be rebuilt.

No one is going to fault you either way. If you can't give him the time, move on and be a better woman to the next person you're involved with. But I still see way too much "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME AND WHAT I WANT" in your posts. Make it about HIM and what he needs to heal from your betrayal.

I hope I didn't offend you. It's not my intention. I want you guys to have the kind of marriage you both want. Just ask What Did I Do. I wasn't very nice to her early on either, but I think I helped burn away her fog (among other posters) and she's making a go with her H. But if your H never comes around, you only need to look in the mirror to see the cause. Because there's NEVER an excuse for cheating on your spouse. Understandable how it happens, but it was a choice you made and there are consequences to those choices.

Just a humble opinion from a betrayed spouse who cares.