Yeah, it's actually on it's way from Amazon already. Looking forward to it. I'm also trying to read Mars and Venus, but oh man it is boring me sooo much, I am struggling to pick it up. I can't add it to my reading list if I can't get through it lol.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Last night I was hoping for a repeat of the previous Friday night. D4 was already asleep when I came home. I showered up and made sure I smelled good, then sat with W for a while but didn't mention anything. I'm pretty sure she knew what I wanted since she seemed tense when I sat with her, then she kissed me goodnight and went upstairs to sleep. Left me feeling alone and empty inside. The temptation to revert to old destructive habits was strong, but I resisted and went to bed at a reasonable hour.
She still hasn't picked up SSM. Guess I am more than a little frustrated today. Maybe it is a bad idea to have the next step in my journey depend on her? I have tried talking to her and having an internet blog, but she has resisted listening to what I have to say in both. I feel like I am in SSM limbo.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Wish I could help. I think it's probably best to have small goals that focus on your behavior rather than W's. We all know how that goes, waiting for them to do something. It's been a while since I read SSM, but I seem to recall some things HDS can do for LDS to make them feel comfortable. Perhaps if you're in the sitch again you can offer to rub her back or feet and then you be the first one to leave and go to bed. That way she sees that you are all spruced up for her but non-sexual touching can also be the result of that preparation. Might reduce her anxiety level.
I knew that when xBF would shave before coming to bed that he expected sex. It would have been great if once or twice he would have used the opportunity for a great passionate make out session and left it at that. Then I wouldn't automatically think, "uh oh, here it comes" every time I heard his razor.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I think you are right. It could be months before she picks up that book. Maybe she never will.
The problem with non-sexual touching is that if it is not in passing, she thinks it is done with an agenda. Yes, this is my fault, since I would use non-sexual touching to get her relaxed prior to moving on to sexual touching in the past. Well, partially my fault...I will not assume full responsibility since she actually trained me to be this way by responding to it, while consistently turning me down when I initiated in other normal and healthy ways.
I think the answer is in separating the two fully from here on out, and reinforcing my intentions with verbal communication so she knows what to expect.
Okay, so my new goal is not for her to read the first two chapters (that's just bonus points at this stage), instead it is to touch her non-sexually at least once a day. Criteria:
1. It must be significant touching, not something done in passing. A long hug, holding her, a back rub, foot massage etc.
2. I must communicate to her what my intentions are so she can relax and enjoy it without worrying about it turning sexual.
3.I should be the one to break it off.
4. I must truly be doing it to make her feel good and because i enjoy just being near her (which I do), and not with the hope that she will "pay me back with sex" (covert contract). If I catch myself with this expectation, I should not do it at all. This will take mental awareness and discipline.
Thanks Pearl, perfect advice and perfect timing.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Ok well the plan is still in effect. W was in a good mood after dinner tonight so I said:
"You, me, tonight."
Her response:
"Okay, as long as it doesn't get too late."
D4 had a long nap today so she is anticipating her staying up and infringing on our time.
I am going to try to get D4 to bed early, but I also resolve not to get frustrated or upset if she doesn't sleep early and W changes her mind.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Awful weekend, it all blew up in my face unfortunately.
Managed to salvage something by making up tonight, but ugggg massive backslide, and she was questioning our R over just one bad day.
grrr...
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Are you willing to share what happened? It's OK if you're not. I'm just wondering if you know why it "blew up in your face."
Lucky
P.S. I haven't read the Venus/Mars book yet, but it's on the list. So you know, the second chapter of Passionate Marriage is hard to get through, but then it gets much easier. Do your time with the books, Mike, especially NMMNG, even though it feels like drudgery. It will pay off!
Yeah, I was all happy that the "You, me, tonight" paid off since she seemed fine with it. No covert contracts, and that is my goal, just to tell her what I want and stand behind it.
D4 wasn't tired as expected, but I got her in her PJs, teeth brushed, stories read, and asleep by 10:30pm. Come back down stairs and I knew W wouldn't be going to sleep yet since she had a two hour nap with D4 during the day. It's perfect, there is no possible excuse W could have for not ML, except she doesn't want to, which I would have accepted.
W tells me it's too late and she's tired. She did look sleepy and it was her bed time, so I said "okay you should go to bed then" and I went about my business.
She doesn't go to bed, she starts R talk. Now I start to backslide because it made me mad that she wasn't going upstairs to sleep having told me she was too sleepy to ML. She stays up till 12:45am going over all the same old things we have gone over a million times already. Every excuse and reason as to why there is no way she can be more sexual with me. She also tells me "we just had sex last weekend, why do you need it again so soon?" Finally we are both worn out, tired. We go up to bed, but I can't sleep. I'm still fuming. She wants to cuddle before we go to sleep, but I can't handle it. I get up and she gets upset saying she never should have touched me. I tell her it wasn't that, I was already upset. She says "it's going to go back to how it was before isn't it". I can't be there beside her while she sleeps, so I go downstairs and surf the net for an hour before coming back up to bed and falling asleep.
Next day she lets me sleep in because "she doesn't want me to be in a bad mood". Doesn't matter, I am still annoyed about the previous night. The late night does make my temper even shorter, but that's not really the problem. We have a party to go to, and we end up arguing about stupid day to day stuff all the way there. Of course she blames me, and ignores the fact that she also went to bed much later than usual and is short tempered and hyper sensitive as a result.
Party was fine. I managed to take my mind off things. On the way back I felt much the same. Weekend was over and it was a pretty awful one, so I just felt hollow that I have another whole hectic week to get through with this hole in my heart. W sensed this in me and got pissed. "You were fine at the party and now you are mad again."
We get home and have loads to do to get ready for the week. W has a minor meltdown, stressed out about work and school. I tell her that it's her priorities. She goes to a party for 8 hours today and then stresses about not having time to do her work for the week. "I like going to family gatherings though." She sets her priorities and then flips out at having to deal with the consequences. Discussion of priorities includes R. She says she doesn't have time to put into the R. I tell her that if this R doesn't work out, all the rest is going to go to s___ anyway.
Well we managed to make up at the end. I swallowed my pride and when she went to bed I hopped in before her to warm the bed and then held her till she fell asleep.
This morning I got a note thanking me for that and saying "I guess we should expect some bumps in the road" which was what I was telling her yesterday, that it was just one off day and she doesn't have to question the whole R because of it.
Going back to the plan of non-sexual touching to re-establish trust that she can be physically close to me again without it becoming sexual.
Still not getting to the bottom of things. She has one excuse after another. If I take care of one thing, she creates some other reason. Take care of that, it is something else. Now she is making excuses that I can't possibly resolve.
I can't get her on board, and she is not responding to me being direct (one of the reasons I headed into covert contract land in the first place). I am backing off into the "spouses needs" stage for a while I guess.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
The excuses are just excuses. It doesn't matter what the excuse is. What I mean to say is, just because she says she's too sleepy doesn't mean that she's too sleepy to talk. Regardless, there is much deeper stuff at play, and her excuses are just her throwing up roadblocks that you have to mentally bulldoze through (no matter what the excuse is) and stay strong and consistent.
Read "Passionate Marriage." It will help you take your level of thinking to a whole other realm of rational strength. You'll be able to take a step back and assess what's going on in the moment without getting entangled in emotion (the concept is called "differentiation.") It is not an easy read, so be sure to find time when you can really focus on it.
The non-sexual touching is great. There are also ways of touching her in a sexual way where it doesn't lead to sex or your physical satisfaction. She might be blown away if you are able to give her an amazing night without "taking." It would reinforce that you aren't just interested in your own satisfaction during intimacy. Not sure if this idea is too "Nice Guy" or not, though. Maybe S&A can comment on that.
You can't fix her prioritization (procrastination?) problems. Just let her deal with and learn from her own fumbles. Of course, you can do your part to help with household/childcare stuff. Just listen to her, but detach yourself and don't get annoyed. It has nothing to do with you.
Looking forward to it. I'm also trying to read Mars and Venus, but oh man it is boring me sooo much, I am struggling to pick it up. I can't add it to my reading list if I can't get through it lol.