Partner left after 9 years - eclipses coming up!

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

I think this is a very interesting development, and my opinion sort of falls between those of T and RTL. In some ways I would almost venture that it doesn't really matter in terms of the long-term outcome how you approach this, as long as you do it respectfully, but that there is probably a right way to do it in terms of causing the least short-term discomfort to both of you. I don't think that sounded as clear as it does in my head :). What I mean by that is that I've come to believe in probabilities and likelihoods with these situations. In your case it never seemed as though your Ex didn't still love and care about you. It always seemed to me as though there was still a strong connection, and the biggest danger to the R, in my opinion, was going to be you giving up (understandably) because of his snail's pace. It was so obvious that his connection with Helen wasn't the soul-connection he has with you, and that he would eventually come to realize this. So it seems he has now.

If you're still willing to give him a shot, which it seems like you are, I would not go so far as to back him into a corner and force him into a decision as you never want this to happen again, and if he feels the slightest bit pressured, you may always wonder whether he is going to snap again. You have waited this long, so I think a few more months, likely months with progress, would be bearable. However I don't think you have to completely start from scratch and just be buddies again. It sounds like he knows a lot about where you are at in your emotional state, i.e. still loving him, from your friends. So you know he knows, and he is likely to know you know he knows (sounds like a movie), so there is already an innate understanding there. I'd suggest maybe being more forward in terms of contact, but not necessarily bringing out the big guns just yet. Can you call him up, email him etc. and just ask him to go do something with you? Alternatively could you show up at one of these band nights and just spend time talking to him in a non-emotional way? I think there are ways to draw him closer again without talking about the biggest issues right away. Like T said, at some point those things will need to be addressed, but if they are now, he is likely to feel guilty etc. You can't just tell him you forgive him and won't hold this over his head. He needs to see this in your behavior for awhile, and IMO the best way to do this is to spend time with him, let it progress naturally, and let him address the issues. You do deserve more from him if he wants to get back together, and you do deserve reassurance etc., but I think the reality for most of us in this situation is that we need to be willing to accept less at the beginning if we want to make this work, and keep faith that over the longer-run we will get what we need. People may disagree with me on this last point, but it is what I have found to be true. This may not be right for everyone, but I do think it offers the best chance of success, defining success here as another chance at the R. I know there are other successful outcomes too.

Anyway hope you are well this morning,

ITH