It's been strange to go through this process of letting go of my second marriage. It's been devastating and painful and revealing and rewarding. When my first marriage ended, I learned very little from it. My first wife and I ended our marriage so amicably and with such mutual understanding that I never went through a thorough process of self-evaluation like I have over the last few months.
Ending a ten-year relationship and your-year marriage still surprises me - but it's just the course I am now - and so I have to accept it and turn it into an opportunity to grow and learn. Over the last few months I worried, over and over, that by allowing this marriage to end that I would be setting a terrible example for my children - as though I would be allowing them to think that when a marriage gets tough, one should leave or give up. That is not my belief - I believe marriages require attention and work - and a commitment - though I have also come to see that if I were to stay in this marriage I would be sending my so the message that if you love someone it's okay to be treated badly by that person - to be abused by that person - and insulted by that person...and I cannot let that be so.
Since B has moved out I have talked with my S11 about many things - and have heard him say many painful things about how he perceived my relationship with B - and of her relationship with him - and I see that I was making far too many excuses for how she behaved toward him and me.
But here's the most important thing I've learned through the last ten months of horrible sadness...I've learned that I have go to take much more responsibility for myself and my life - and how I live it - and how I fulfill it. I thought I had been doing that for years - and I was trying - but I was not taking on full responsibility for my life - and that is a big things that is going to change. Moving forward, I am confident that I can be a better role model to my children - and I know that I can and will offer my sons an example of how to be in a healthy relationship - not a perfect relationship, since I believe any claims to perfection can only be made at the expense of reality - rather - a relationship in which conflicts are resolved with respect - and in which that same respect guides me in accepting that not all conflicts (maybe even most) are not resolved through love - rather a healthy love can help us remain detached from the person we love while still maintaining all the connections that make a relationship possible.
My friend, you are setting a great example to your boys. Don't you worry about that. I agree with V also. I can hear much more calmness, confident and happiness from your post now. I have no doubt you will have a great R with whoever the next lucky lady will be. Like you said, take it slow and you will be just fine. Have a great weekend.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
I agree with NW and RTL - you really have your focus and attention right where they should be and it shows. Sometimes we cannot always see for ourselves how strong we are becoming or how far we have come because the mirror is too close to our own noses.
You are not just "becoming" anymore. You are strong and dedicated and courageous in your work. Just keep it up.
You've come a very long way Carlos !!! I hope you're really proud of yourself. You should be.
There's a fabulous book called "Raising Ordinary boys into Extraordinary Men". You might want to check it out at your library.
It sounds like you're doing a fabulous job, & that book just may add to an already great experience.
Your words inspire me to take more control & responsibility for my life.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks so much for your positive support. It helps so much to read notes like yours, NW, RTL, V and SC, and to see that some of the changes I'm feeling in myself are coming through in my words. You have all helped me so very much throughout these months that I've been on this board - and I know that many of you first met me when I was thrown down and going through the pain of my weakest moments.
Finding myself to be a single father to two boys is just never where I expected to be in my life - but it is my reality - and so I will face it openly and with the knowledge that I can only be there for my sons to the best of my ability if I am always honest with myself. Sometimes that honesty has me look at some troubling aspects to myself - and sometimes that honesty has me discovering things about my life that I had never known before...but that honesty keeps me on a path toward a more fulfilling and fulfilled life.
I'll definitely check out that book, SC. I know that a lot of what I've been through has also been influenced by my past and the ways in which love has (dis)functioned in my family of origin - I want to teach my sons about how to love in a healthy, giving way.
Sundays are such a quiet time for me...a few weeks ago they were sort of like a form of torture, since I just didn't know how to make the most of my time - and not just dwell on the fact that I have now had two failed marriages and two children that don't live with me all the time. S11 is with me every-other-weekend, and B still insists that S2 has to breast feed...and I'm still opting not to get involved in the battle I think she wants...
Just a bit of journaling at the end of a Sunday...a day on which I learned a lot about my own tendency to delve too deeply into the sorrows of my past - and how I can sometimes allow those darker moments to color my image of myself in the present. There are so many things I still have to work on....one of them, I learned today, is my idea, my fear, I suppose, that no one would really want to be with me...I know what it's based on - but I realized today just how much knowing where that fear comes from does nothing to help me overcome that concern...Rather, I have to work harder at letting go of my own past, the events that scarred me, and just accept myself more for who I am - I think that's the only way to move forward and to foster a healthy relationship - not just with myself - but with my next partner.
My friend continues to be there for me - offering her support, her wisdom, her patience - and even her reminders that I am not someone that should indulge in self-pity. It's amazing to have someone remind me of that - since I don't think I've ever been in the position before of allowing myself to be that honest with anyone - and it impressed me just how honest she was with me in return. It's a new kind of friendship - and as it grows I can see just how much I have learned about the mistakes I used to make in the past - and how I used to cling to the idea that I could solve my issues by understanding more about the whys and wherefores of the people that did harm me...no more...I won't try to find my solutions by finding another person to harm me - I'll now look for my solutions inside me - accept a healthy love for myself - and use that as my guide toward knowing when I am loved in a healthy way. How about that?
This is very good. Recognizing is one of the very first step to work on our issues. Just take your time one thing at a time. I guarantee you will get there sooner than you think. It looks like your friend is with you every steps of the way. That's wonderful. As far as Sunday downtime, another pick up soccer game...may be..?? You will figure something out...!!
Have a great day.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
How about that, indeed! Good for you. It sounds like you really sorted something out for yourself, that is wonderful. I can hear the conviction in your voice, too, so you'll get where you want to be. Like NW said, it'll happen sooner than you think. Something amazing happens when we stop looking backwards for reasons and instead start looking forward for solutions.
I am so glad your friend is there for you as you are making your way through all of these things. I bet she is pretty impressed with how open and honest you are with her. From my own experience, I can tell you, a man willing to share his thoughts and feelings, especially ones as intimate as you describe here, and work so hard to make himself whole and happy is a rare creature. That kind of sharing makes a person feel deeply trusted - and that is a wonderful thing to build in a relationship. Knowing that your solutions are already inside of you is a gift to you and to her: to you because it is important to meet your own needs, and to her because it allows her to have the energy to do the same.
I am so happy to hear you will not try to solve your issues by finding another person to harm you. It sounds like you have figured out how to break a habit. Always tough to do, so good for you, Carlos.
My baby boy is home with me today - he has a slight fever and a terrible case of pink eye...and he's very cuddly...keeps coming up to me and saying, "papi, come on." Though he never has a sure idea of where we're going or why...very sweet.
Sitting here with him, I can't help but imagine the things I want to teach him as he gets older - not just as boy - but as a man - and I think about how hard it was for me to learn what I've learned over the last year. I know I've still got a long way to go - but I feel like a much better guide to my boys than I ever could have been as the person I was before.
