stella: dancing in limbo

[stella_k]

Dear Breton,

you're right. I should've known better after all the time I've spent on BB...

I don't know what's gotten into me.

Going dark has never been a problem for me. I never (and I mean - never) call H, he always calls me. But then we meet, which is always his initiative, and I start losing my cool.
He looks at me LOVINGLY, he is so attentive, caring, I feel how CLOSE we are, my hopes go up and stay there... LOL.

Every time I detach, there he goes, saying things like "I don't love her", "I had a dream that nothing has happened and we're still together and I woke up so happy" and, of course, I forget everything I've learned in such a hard way and respond to it accordingly.

My H has never been cruel, at least not intentionally, but he knows he's hurting me badly and he keeps doing it anyway.

I know for sure that he's terrified of OW's suicidal tendencies.
She has made an attempt already - not to take her life, if you ask me, but to manipulate H into coming back to her - and now he's afraid of her ending it for real. She is desperate and her clynginess surpasses everything I could imagine. And my H is definitely having a saviour complex.

I'm dying to ask him all these ?s: did you talk to her? did she threaten you again? did you have a change of heart again? Are you going to stay with her OUT OF FEAR? What kind of a life is that?

I won't ask, of course, but they keep buzzing in my head.