OMG OMG OMG before I read further, she is Active duty? And he is? She's commiting a fraud and he's helping her and they can be court martialled!!! Jesus Christ I know people in jail for that crap. OMG @#$%^&*(@#$%^&*()_
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
don't give your name and do it as anonymously as possible. It will make him mad as heck if he thinks you did it, and recall that you may be risking his butt (IF he knew what she was doing)...IOW, if she is not paying him rent but says she is, and collects housing, it's fraud. Or if she says he is charging more than he really is, it's fraud.
But he is higher ranking and will be punished more harshly IF he is implicated. ( j )
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
might be nice if she knew what she was risking.... and your h ought to know better. Seriously, he does. But he needs reminding, but not from you I guess.
Can't believe he's risking so much. I'm not exaggerating. I had clients do TIME for that, not to mention a dishonorable or bad conduct discharge --so bye bye benefits and housing and insurance and retirement, and ALL.... if he loses retirement, so do you. I forgot how many years of M and how many of those were in the service? That matters a lot to YOU btw...you'll get part of it if he makes 20.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
First let me say, I'm not justifying in any way the way your H is acting or condoning what he's doing with OW, whether it's it's an EA (which I doubt) or a full blown EA/PA (which I suspect). It's not right. Nothing you have done is justification for what he's doing.
I'll also say, I understand completely, from what condition your marriage was in, how you let yourself get to the point where your A's were an option to you. I really understand.
But from my point of view, when you chose to have not just one, but two A's, you gave up all rights to expect ANYTHING from your H when it comes to your marriage. I hear you saying, yes, I had two A's, and I understand now that they were mistakes, BUT now that I get it, why isn't he just getting over it and working on our marriage?
Yes, he has problems. The drinking is a problem. His being oversea's and you being lonely all lead up to the perfect storm of you being vulnerable to an A. I get it. But to him, you betrayed him in the worst possible way, and now you want him to just get over it and accept you've changed and everything will be ok now? Right now he doesn't think there is anyway he can trust you. And you know what? If I was in his shoes, I'd think the same thing.
If you want to save your marriage, you HAVE to give him the space to let him come to the conclusion that it's what HE wants. Nothing you say to try to convince him is going to matter one bit. Because he didn't get a choice in whether you had your two A's did he? How do you do that? Continue GAL. Continue being the woman he would be a fool to not want to be with. This OW? She's nothing. She's a distraction to make himself feel good so he doesn't have to deal with the betrayal he's suffered at the hands of the one person he thought he could trust the most. Just like you realize your OM's were a distraction. And you figured that out on your own, didn't you? He's going to have to figure it out on his own also.
If I'm him, right now, I couldn't care less if you don't approve of what he's doing, who he's scr*wing, how he's living his life. You gave up that right the first time (and second) you let yourself get involved with someone else outside of the marriage.
Maybe reading on these boards doesn't help you in the respect that there are a whole bunch of men/women on here that are willing to forgive their spouses for their betrayals, really look at themselves to see how their actions have contributed to the condition of their marriages that allowed an A to happen, and move forward to create the kind of marriage both parties want. But I can assure you, we're a minority.
I don't remember if I've read whether you guys really dealt with your first A or not. If you did, then he's feeling doubly betrayed. If not, he's still feeling doubly betrayed because he just moved on after the first, probably like you said you wanted, and then it happens again. HOW can he trust anything you say?
Look, You guys separated last July while you were still in contact with OM #2. 7 months is nothing in a sitch like this. Everyone deals with betrayal in their own ways and on their own time frames. I've been at this for going on two years since I first became suspicious. And my W is the one that had the affair. It's going to take a long time.
So the way I see it is this. You need to make a decision on whether you're willing to wait this out and give him the time to figure it out on his own, including his contribution to what caused your marriage breakdwon, or you're not.
If you're not willing to give him the time, then drop the rope and get on with your life. If you do love him and want to reconcile your marriage, GAL, become his true friend so he can see what he's going to be missing, and give him the time he needs to deal with it.
I'll say again, OW is a problem, but not THE problem. The problem is waiting it out until his anger can subside and trust can be rebuilt.
No one is going to fault you either way. If you can't give him the time, move on and be a better woman to the next person you're involved with. But I still see way too much "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME AND WHAT I WANT" in your posts. Make it about HIM and what he needs to heal from your betrayal.
I hope I didn't offend you. It's not my intention. I want you guys to have the kind of marriage you both want. Just ask What Did I Do. I wasn't very nice to her early on either, but I think I helped burn away her fog (among other posters) and she's making a go with her H. But if your H never comes around, you only need to look in the mirror to see the cause. Because there's NEVER an excuse for cheating on your spouse. Understandable how it happens, but it was a choice you made and there are consequences to those choices.
Just a humble opinion from a betrayed spouse who cares.
Last edited by Hope4us; 02/07/0905:50 PM.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Thank you. I appreciate you at least understanding how.
The first A didn't come out until the second one. He learned about both at the same time. Between the first and second, I thought I could just move forward, never admit to it and go on living a lie. Then the second one happened. And I realize looking back how down or maybe even depressed I was trying to be Superwoman and appearing to be to many people, but having an A, and still having the guilt/lying over the first A. Feeling like a fraud. I can't even begin to tell anyone how GOOD it feels to not have to live a friggin LIE anymore.
On top of that, the C has helped me to speak up for what I DO want or need, instead of just sweeping it under the rug. I have actually had to think about what I want and remind myself to not answer to PLEASE someone else. It's simple enough, "Melissa, what do YOU want?" But I always put it aside before trying to be the perfect wife who always did what everyone ELSE expected or what they WANTED first, including H, parents, the USAF, work, kids, and inlaws.
I don't want him to just get over it. I wish we could, but it's not realistic. Trying to be a friend right now, I feel like a doormat. He said he wants a divorce but he doesn't want to rush into a divorce. ??? What is that about?
So this last week we have been talking more. Which is good. I don't want to not be friends. But I know sooner or later (probably this next week if the past is a predictor), he's going to want to have cake (do the dirty). And at that point is where I become emotionally screwball. I detached the last few weeks because I couldn't handle the cake. But now that we are "buds" again, I know he is going to want cake. It's just a fact. He got cake for long enough from me and he's going to want more. So how do I respond to that? This is part of why I don't think it's a PA with the OW. He got cake often enough from here until the first week or so of January. So he's done just enough talking nicely somewhat about the R, not giving in though, but enough for me to say we are better off than we were two weeks ago, to keep me hanging by a string. If he wanted the divorce, wouldn't he just cut me off completely except for the kids. That's why I am confused.
He says one thing, but I can guarantee you by next Friday, his actions (wanting cake) will show me something different.
So basically, if I want the M to work in the long run, you guys think just bend over, take what he's got, go happily down the road, GAL, PMA, be a friend, be a wife only a fool would leave, and sooner or later he'll realize it?
Just asking. I can give him time. That is no problem. I hate that he is bringing more issues into the M, but I don't have control over what he does.
Thank you again. REALLY. I do appreciate it. It is really nice to have the other opinion.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
So the way I see it is this. You need to make a decision on whether you're willing to wait this out and give him the time to figure it out on his own, including his contribution to what caused your marriage breakdwon, or you're not.
I am in similar situation to M and I just have some question for you based on your above quote.
1. Do they wake up? 2. What makes the OW lose her appeal 3. Can these retribution / revenge A become the love of their life 4. Is there a pattern and general time frame for this kind of a response from an H who has been betrayed in his marriage. 5. how do yu know when he is done withOW
My concern is that I do not recognise H at all. Incredible, caring father to crap father, work driven H to hardly turns up, from someone who was thoughtful and would never ever hurt either myself or kids to a selfish monster.
I just dont understand or know what to do.
Sorry m -thought some of these answers may help you
