I've gleaned a lot from reading today and while I do have to say that his emotion is a positive after having nothing from him for so long, I agree w/John that this is heading in the wrong direction.
As for what to do, I say stay w/the C's recommendations. I know Sara is concerned the C's work is causing you to doubt yourself, but I'm not sure this is coming from the C, but more coming from inside of you. Remember, you are working on you still in your IC, so there are things you will see now that you don't like and will hope to change.
What I will agree w/from Sara is to not let things become negative w/your self-judging. Remember, NO JUDGING TODAY! Maybe you will tomorrow, but the court is closed today. If you keep this in your head every day, you'll make it through one more day w/out picking yourself apart.
Gypsy summed this up by writing to you:
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It's a choice a day.. one choice a day. Who do you want to be today? How do you want this day to be? It's all yours, my dear friend. There are no rights or wrongs.
Good advice for us all.
What I see as the principle issue is still the same: Your H needs major work inside his own head. Until he goes through IC w/a serious focus on his own self-improvement, to me this seems like running up hill on a sheet of ice.
Jeff can see it as can Lanzo. Jeff said:
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I think that as long as he is trying to figure out what to do to "make you happy" he isn't getting it. His focus is on the wrong person. Everthing else he said supports that, this just makes it totally clear. If he is just worried about making you happy, he isn't thinking about making himself happy. And if he isn't happy, we know where this ends up!
Bingo! The first hurdle is for H to get out of his own way and he won't accomplish that until he sees his own IC. He has established some tremendous defense mechanisms that are so entrenched, he isn't sure what the truth is any more. That is scary.
Lanzo also pointed out and commented about
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H's job which I think is used as a smoke screen or barrier to avoid over exposure to you.
While I think Lanzo has hit on something, to me it needs to be looked at a bit deeper. It is clear to me that H's job is used to help define himself as a man. He clings to this job for acceptance or whatever that he was lacking from his youth. He won't leave the job and doesn't know why work is more important to him than family or love.
Until he finds this out, you won't be 1st and neither will your kids.
It just seems like the answers you need are buried so deep in H that until he goes to IC, you'll continue to be frustrated. Like a lot of our sitches here, it seems like most of the issues are not about us, but about them.
This isn't to say we're perfect (and you're not a bitch, by the way), but we here seem to be willing to look at our imperfections (Gypsy's attitude on the subject is what we all need to copy), embrace them and work to make ourselves better.
We are in this situation b/c we were 1/2 of a flawed equation. Until both halves admit their faults and contributions to the mess, nothing of note can happen.
