Exposing at EA

[Still Waters]

As far the hard sobbing, it was either b/c she was guilty of a whole lot more than she was confessing or else she called herself really telling you good-bye (in her mind). I don't think she would have been that out of control over a few phone calls.

I agree and I think she definitely is guilty of a WHOLE lot more than she's letting on. Her whole life she's always been a "good girl," and she was brought up in a very Christian home. I'm pretty sure that what I'm seeing is her being absolutely racked by guilt and shame for what she's done. And no way would a few phone calls, texts, and some flirting cause her to break down like THAT.

When I get the phone bills next week I'll have ammo if she doesn't come clean. But for right now it's all about me going dark and letting her sit with her guilt and really own it, as Puppy said.

Another feather in my cap is that I know that the OM is out of town on a trip for the next 3 weeks. He left before my W and I had that big convo. So while she can still call and text him, she can't go running into his arms for comfort. And I actually know the exact day he gets back from his trip. Maybe I should plan to get together with my W briefly the day before that to expose the A completely once and for all. Something to think about, and I do have time. 3 weeks.

[sandi2]

Her whole life she's always been a "good girl," and she was brought up in a very Christian home. I'm pretty sure that what I'm seeing is her being absolutely racked by guilt and shame for what she's done.

Wow! You just described me! That is why my H was so shocked and why he trusted me as long as he did b/c never would I have thought of even looking at another man, let along do what I did. Plus, I was terrified of anyone finding out. I was so scared, but at the same time, I was so "fogged out of my mind" that I could not think rationally. I honestly thought that if anyone found out and I was exposed to "everyone", then I would just go live with the OM. After all, he told me that he would come get me if I just gave him the word. (As if it would have worked out with me staying with him!) See how stupid women in a EA can be? They are so deep in a make-believe world they have created in their minds that everything is suppose to just turn out rosy. He probably would have kicked me out on the streeet the first day he got tired of me or pissed off about something. Oh, he sounded "dreamy" when he talked to me about how it would be. He knew all the things I wanted to hear. He was good at what he did. But, as I just told another poster, it is scary to think of all the bad things he could have done to me if I had ever met up with him in person. I was being a bad girl then, for sure. For the first time in my life.......but I think that added to the excitment of it.... b/c I had never done anything "bad" like that before. I am wondering if your wife thinks by being that good girl that she missed out on having good times. It is amazing how movies and books can influence people's minds.

That brings me to her "dating other men". One reason I said that she may have been so emotional b/c she was telling you "good-bye" in her own mind, if she is already planning to date. I mean, obviously she has been giving this a lot of thought, right? Perhaps she is tired of living the good girl image and see what it is like to live on the other side of Christian values. However, unless she is ready to jump in with the wolves, she may discover that the dating game is not what it was when she was dating you.

So, with you going "dark", she may get her fill of the party scene soon and go looking for you. May not be soon enough if you really intend to move on b/c she may discover you don't want her in your life any longer. Guess that will be a wait and see thing. You sound very strong and determined right now, but you surely know there will be some tough days ahead of you. However, you can come here to your old friends and we will listen to whatever you want to say. (And then we will probably put in our two cents worth.)

Hope you will go make a good weekend for yourself. Please be careful and take good care. Post often so we won't lose contact with you.

Sandi2

[Still Waters]

OK so I finally remembered the password to my W's cell phone account tonight and I just couldn't resist looking even though the paper bills are on their way. Guess what I found. Puppy, you already know the answer I'm sure.

It's not the first OM that I thought it was. It's not the guy she told me it was the other night either. It's a different guy. How do I know? Since she dropped the bomb on me she has sent him over 200 text messages.

There's also about 45 or so calls on there to him as well, but 200 texts? That's insane. And this is a guy she NEVER mentioned to me. Not once have I heard his name from her. I know who he is, but I never once heard my W mention his name. Talk about lies and deceit. And you're right Sandi, I never would have thought that my W would be capable of this level of lying. It's amazing her head hasn't exploded from the guilt.

So what do I do? Do I expose? She has no idea that I know about the real OM. So far she thinks I just know about the one fake guy and her desire to date "other" men.

Part of me wants to expose her (for real this time) and get this out there. Not in a mean way of course, but to do so as calm and lovingly as possible. Just like I did the other night. At least then she won't be able to hide behind this running into an open field nonsense.

Not sure what to do here? Thoughts? I know I'm supposed to be dark, but this is new information and I feel like I need to expose. I know that I would be able to talk to her about it in a strong, lovingly detached way, even though it does hurt. I have the strength to keep my cool.

Oh, and the guy she claimed she had a brief flirtation with? There are maybe a handful of texts between them. So it looks like she was maybe telling the truth about him while continuing to lie through her teeth about the real OM. I guess she threw out the fake OM's name to throw me off the trail. No wonder she broke down sobbing. The guilt has got to be eating her up inside.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Another feather in my cap is that I know that the OM is out of town on a trip for the next 3 weeks. He left before my W and I had that big convo. So while she can still call and text him, she can't go running into his arms for comfort. And I actually know the exact day he gets back from his trip. Maybe I should plan to get together with my W briefly the day before that to expose the A completely once and for all.

Certainly would spoil their romantic little reunion, wouldn't it? I just loooove playing affairus interruptus!

[Still Waters]

Certainly would spoil their romantic little reunion, wouldn't it?I just loooove playing affairus interruptus!

Yeah but it's not him. She gave me a fake OM name to throw me off the trail of the real OM. Very clever and I should have seen it coming. But now I have hard evidence. No more secret fantasyland for my W.

[pearlharbr]

I will defer to Puppy on whether/when to expose. Just wanted to share my experience with this.

Know that she will continue to lie, even faced with proof. When I confronted xBF re: seeing the OW with specific dates, times and locations he continued to deny and lie to my face. Only during our convo when I kicked him out of the house did he finally 'fess up with a lame a$$ "I guess I was in denial" response. So please don't expect her to crumble the first time you confront her, the chances are slim to none.

Your strength continues to amaze me. Don't get discouraged when the roller coaster dips as it inevitably will. Please remember it's better to deal with the emotions as they occur rather than bottling them up or putting them off.

[Still Waters]

Thanks, Pearl. I know that it seems like I've been a rock 24/7, but believe me I've had lots of down times. Lots of sleepless nights, tears, and plenty of anger (which I always take out on the punching bag at my gym). So I have been dealing with the roller coaster of emotions as they come up. They only time I really clamp them down is when I see or talk to my W. That's when I whip out the Superman cape.

And I'm sure she'll continue to lie even though I have the cell phone records. But at least she'll know, somewhere deep inside the fog, that her little fantasy is nothing more than a sordid affair. May take weeks or months for it to sink in, but I think it will.

I know that Marriage Builders recommends exposing to everyone in the cheating spouse's support group. What do people on here think? I'd never tell my family since they probably wouldn't ever forgive my W. But do I tell my W's family? Her close friends (who I am almost positive don't know. From what I can tell, she's only been talking to about 3 of her friends about the A.) I know that she leans heavily on her friends and family for support, and she has been playing the role of the victim in this whole separation.

[pearlharbr]

I did expose xBF's A to his parents, best friend, and a couple mutual friends (more my friends but his coworkers). It hasn't done me any good. xBF and his family are extrememly non-confrontational so they will never discuss it with him. His BMF has only brought it up as far as saying "you shouldn't dip your pen in the company ink well" so hasn't really challenged his actions. BMF's wife (they've all known each other since hs) would like to rip him a new one but didn't. And the friends who are coworkers are keeping it to themselves because xBF is higher ranking at work.

Ideally, exposing to the cheating S's support group would work. They would question S's motives and actions and not just blindly support them. Unfortunately it doesn't always work that way.

It hasn't done any good in bringing the A to light. But I feel better that the important people know what's going on from my side because he would never tell them what he's done, he would just not say anything ever or come up with some lame "we had problems" line and leave it at that.

[Mellenmack]

MrM,

I read your thread and I really only wanted to comment on one thing and am hoping Puppy will, too. I had my As and everyone found out. I told my parents. But now H has a girl living with him. I don't think he is sleeping with her (maybe stupidity on my part, but...I believe him for because I think he would want to hurt me back) but I have not told my parents about this girl. I have called her the OW because he is turning to her where he should be turning to me. I know my parents, like yours, would never forgive this. Interesting, isn't it, that they are willing to forgive their own child, but not H? But lately I have considered telling them because it is not my job to protect H from the fallout of letting this girl live with him. You can read my stitch if you want more info. At the same time, I don't want to make the stitch any worse than it already is.

Opinions?

Melissa

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am strongly in favor of exposure in almost every instance. You DAMNED sure shouldn't LIE to cover up their affairs, but I also think you should proactively expose them to a very tight circle of supportive friends and family who you feel will support your marriage and exert some influence.

Affairs thrive on secrecy and intrigue. Break that, and you're already halfway home.

They WILL be livid when you do this, but they're already cheating on you -- how much more can they hurt you?

Puppy