My first step out of Newcomers

[Can it work]

It doesnt't seem as though this board gets as much traffic as Newcomers. I'm starting to feel a bit alone.

I'm not alone though. My Wee Man is asleep in his nursery and it feels good to have him here. I still wish his mother was here too though. I think I'm going to wish for that forever more.

I was playing with him tonight and I started thinking about all the great plans I had for my family life. A W and kids is all I've really wanted and my W always told me from the start that's all she wanted too. We were supposed to be going on our first family trip to Disney World at the end of this year. It's not so much what I had that I'm missing. It's all the plans that we had as a family that are so hard to let go of. I don't know why I'm feeling so low at the moment since my beautiful S is here but I suppose it's just bringing everything back in to my mind about how much I've lost. I need some hope but right now I'm not seeing anything in my W which is giving me that hope. She just seems so keen to be moving on with her life that every day seems like a step further away. I really feel like I'm doing a good job of DBing with my W even though I'm not seeing results but I know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be. I'm struggling to get to a comfortable place in my mind though. Maybe that's why I'm not seeing results? I feel defeated already even though the battle is a long way from over. It's the old problem of my lack of patience getting in the way again I suppose.

The last line of my signature was something I wrote with my W in mind. I thought maybe she had to get lost before she could find her way back to me. I can't help but think she's not getting lost though and I'm beginning to believe that it's me who has to get lost and find myself. It's so hard for me to disconnect though when the Wee Man is involved. He's only 17 months old. This whole situation can't be good for him. Is my W being completely selfish or does she really need to be away from me to find her happiness? I always thought I was a great H. We had a really comfortable life, a beautiful child, used to have an incredibly loving M, and wonderful plans for the future. Nothing she's doing makes any sense to me.