Late happy birthday wishes! Treat yourself to something b/c you deserve it!
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I just want to move forward. I am sick and tired of looking backwards. I told him last night that I feel angry because he is standing in the way of me having my family and he agreed that he was doing that, but that's why we are going to counseling- to see if we can put it together. <---that is the statement that keeps me from moving on.
Remember, it's always up to you what you want to do. It sounds like there is still possibility, but it will take work, up and down. Do you want to keep going? My stbx said a lot of the same things during our first S. I think what worked for me was to not talk about what to do- just start doing things. Like inviting him to do some activity, etc or acting interested in what he's doing and then he invited me to do something (as if we were dating again). I acted casual like an independent person that didn't need to spend time w. him, I did only b/c we got together to do something fun (like friends do)- and I tried as little as possible to talk about our relationship or the amt of time we spent together. DB talks about limiting R talk- in your MC, you could try a more casual approach like this- backing off - let the C do talking, let him do talking and give short, neutral or even happy sounding answers.
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When he mentioned that to the MC yesterday she said "15 hours is a lot-really too hard to do." That chapped my ass. I said "no, not really. If you figure an hour'ish per night for dinner, there's 7 hours already done. Another 8 carved out on the weekend or spending more than an hour together once or twice during the week and you're at 15 hours." Grrrr. Let's think about how much time gets spent in front of computers and TV and now tell me that there is no way to find 15 hours. Puhleeze. Having said that--it wasn't the actual hours I was concerned about-- it was that it felt like spending ANY time was like pulling teeth.
You're right, 15 hrs isn't a lot. Most couples probably spend at least this much time together without even thinking about it. I think the secret is not to talk about it though- perhaps that is where the tension lies. I've got an interesting perspective right now b/c I'm temporarily living w. my mother. Sometimes if she wants me to do something, or talks about what she would like us to do- I get that feeling of OMG- can she just back off right now please. But if we talk about going to a flower show together or trying a new recipie or something, I don't feel this way at all. What is your H's mother like? My stbx's mother is really controlling and he spent a lot of time rebelling against her. Disclaimer- None of this is to say that either you or I are like our mothers -but that perhaps some wisdom about less talk more action can be gained from this. It's all in the approach. Do you think your H would respond if you all the sudden said "You're right, it's not about the hours. Life is too short. Let's just hang out. So, you wanna check out this movie next Thurs?" (Secretly, you may easily get your 15 hours or more from this approach) It's up to you if you think this is worth it too, of course. There are plenty of men that will not "dread" issues and that you may never have to get to this point with. I'm hoping I find one of those!
DBer since 2003 D - 3/24/09 GAL and DBing for myself
