Yes, H, you are right to fear that you are running out of time. I have given you nothing BUT time. Time to carry on your affair for MONTHS while I questioned you but never really stood up for myself.
I gave you 8 MONTHS after I confonted you in the hotel room about your affair, to allow you to keep seeing her but also living with me and sleeping with me. I let you take your time deciding what you wanted as you swung back and forth.
Then I gave you the benefit of the doubt when you wanted to move back in with me and our children. I gave you that summer and early fall to just basically show up at home, do the dialogue some of the time, go through the motions. I could tell the whole time that your heart was not in it but I wanted it so badly I thought I could hold it together for both of us if I tried hard enough. It just led to me nagging and you leaving.
Since November it has been a swinging door with you, in/out in/out. And every time you couldn't give me anything real, real emotions, real actions, real loving words that said you wanted to be with me.
NOT with our children
NOT to 'be a family again'
NOT because it was 'the right thing to do'
NOT because you 'owed me for my dedication to you'
Those are all good and fine but I did not get anything about how you missed ME, you loved ME, you chose ME.
Now you say almost a week ago you don't know how to do this without me. That for the first time you realize you DO want me. You are trying to figure it out and hope you don't run out of time.
Well, you ARE running out of time. Because every day that you DON'T tell me you love me, that you DON'T tell me you miss me, that you DON'T dare to reach out and even just touch my hand, I am building up my own wall between us. To protect me in case you change your mind again.
I have no advice for you, it cannot be me telling you what I want from you anymore. You never had a problem showing me love when you wanted to before...I am tired. And you are running dangerously low on time.
THANKS--Just had to get it out there so my brain had breathing room again.
