stella: dancing in limbo

[stella_k]

Dear all!

I haven't posted in a while and tried to let go and GAL. But now I need to vent again

If you remember, I've told H to stop calling me every day and to limit his visitations. As a matter of fact, I've told him not to visit at all, unless it's emergency. I explained, in a calm and friendly tone, that it HURTS me very much to have chit chats with him and to meet him face to face too often. That I would like to MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. H was sad but very understanding. He was still calling and coming over, but much much less.
Then, three weeks ago, he came over to pick up something he needed.
I offered tea, I always do. And while having tea I started a R talk (2x4!), telling him that doesn't matter how hard I try, it
still hurts very much just to see him. And, suddenly, I was crying. H came over and gave me a hug. He said: I love you. And I said: AND I LOVE YOU! WHY ARE YOU DOING IT TO US THEN?!
And then we were hugging and crying together, exactly the way I always thought it would happen. He asked me if I can hold just a bit longer, he's going to end it with OW (spider), because he's very unhappy and it's all WRONG, and we belong together. And silly me believed - again! AFTER 2 years 2 months I can still be that stupid. Unbelievable!

And then - you guessed it.

Next day - nothing.
Day after the next - nothing!
On the third day he's calling and I'm asking him (2x4!!) what's going on?! And listen to the alien BS: oh, I don't know... I'm so confused...

Then he's coming over - drunk. He's hugging me again. An alien - but a friendly one. Doesn't know what to do. I ask him if he's changed his mind again - no, he didn't. He just doesn't know what to do.
Long story short - hugs, ILYs, R convo, all faded out. I stopped asking him ?s and I feel like he's dragged me into this stupid pretending game again.
Once again he's calling whenever he wants to, telling me about his day, money talk, small talk. I don't ask if he's going to break up with OW and he (happily) doesn't tell me a thing.
I feel like I've been thrown off the cliff again.
He has me exactly where he wants me.
It's been more than 3 weeks since the "I'm going to break up with her" convo.
He called today, usual, his work, money, as if he was calling a good old friend.
I had to use all my self control to remain quiet. I created a very akward silence, more than once. All my nerves were screaming! I just wanted so badly to say FU and hang up and never talk to him again.
I don't want to be his friend!
It means, I've never really let go, right?
I only pretended...
I'm so confused...
I don't know what to do :D.

My H is just too much for me.

Any thoughts, please?

[Gman3388]

Stella,
I'm sorry Hun it really stinks for him to get your hopes up like that but no matter how hard it is...quit asking him.
We never really let go. I know I haven't and I see my w everyday.
Heck she is still at home but she says she's going to move out.
Anyways if he comes over and wants hugs then maybe its time to give him a half hug or to say NO.
He's saying what you want to hear. Don't let it happen Hun.
DB and PMA just don't let him win unless he really does boot the OW to the curb.
Stay Strong!

[Yoyowife]

Stella,
Hi, I've never posted to you. I've lurked in this forum some, I post in infidelity. I'm not sure I've ever read you sitch before, but it is remarkably similar to mine. My H has been "crazy" since 10/06, we separated then. We have had many false reconciliations. It is so hard, I understand completely where you are. You distance yourself from them and then they draw you back into their web. Our ages of us and our spouses are even the same. I also have a DD17, but I have DD20 too.

My H doesn't live with OW, but she works for him. I really don't think they are involved anymore, but can't be 100% sure since we are separated.

They say misery loves company, I just wanted to let you know that you definitely have company. I'm going to try to catch up on your previous posts.

Yoyo

[stella_k]

Hi, Gman!

Thanks, and nice to meet you :).

If I had to see him every day, I'd have gone CRAZY, honestly!
I'm not that strong.

I can hardly stand listening to his voice every now and then.

He said he's going to dump her, because I started crying... And, of course, it was exactly what I wanted to hear! I feel like a newbie

[stella_k]

Sorry, Yoyo, I didn't see your post...

I'm not posting recently, but I'm lurking a lot. I think I remember reading your posts, I need to read them again.

Thanks for offering me your company !

[Yoyowife]

Stella,
Is your DD17 a junior or senior? Mine is a senior. Both of my girls have grown up way too fast!

[stella_k]

Oh, I should change the info...

She is 18 now and she's gone to college already. Just like you said - way too fast!

She's been there 5 months now, as long as H and I are S. Sigh...

[forward]

Stella, It seems that going dark gives your H a jolt.

But you're initiating R conversations--have you thought about NOT doing that and trying to hold firm on your "dark?"

[stella_k]

Dear Breton,

you're right. I should've known better after all the time I've spent on BB...

I don't know what's gotten into me.

Going dark has never been a problem for me. I never (and I mean - never) call H, he always calls me. But then we meet, which is always his initiative, and I start losing my cool.
He looks at me LOVINGLY, he is so attentive, caring, I feel how CLOSE we are, my hopes go up and stay there... LOL.

Every time I detach, there he goes, saying things like "I don't love her", "I had a dream that nothing has happened and we're still together and I woke up so happy" and, of course, I forget everything I've learned in such a hard way and respond to it accordingly.

My H has never been cruel, at least not intentionally, but he knows he's hurting me badly and he keeps doing it anyway.

I know for sure that he's terrified of OW's suicidal tendencies.
She has made an attempt already - not to take her life, if you ask me, but to manipulate H into coming back to her - and now he's afraid of her ending it for real. She is desperate and her clynginess surpasses everything I could imagine. And my H is definitely having a saviour complex.

I'm dying to ask him all these ?s: did you talk to her? did she threaten you again? did you have a change of heart again? Are you going to stay with her OUT OF FEAR? What kind of a life is that?

I won't ask, of course, but they keep buzzing in my head.

[CMNM]

Hi Stella.

I can relate. This whole thing is pointless, isn't it?

I am wondering why you don't just ask the questions you want? You don't have to turn it into an R talk---just listen and offer no input.

I have done the same as you- go with the flow and get my heart broken again and again. I get the same stuff, (ex) "I had a dream about you and you were with someone else...it was awful!"- yet no move towards me, just more running.

I asked few questions because I told myself I was DBing, but in reality I was afraid of the answers. Answers might have had to make me face reality, and as long as he was stringing me along I could believe that he would be back some day.

This isn't fair to either of us. I know it hurts... after all this time I am just allowing myself to feel the pain... but we have to put hope on the back burner. I know you say you don't initiate. The next step is to not even answer.

It is very telling that you say your H isn't cruel- after all, he is gently trying to extract himself from a suicidal OW. Well, that's all fine and dandy, but he IS cruel. What he is doing to you is ridiculous. Since he isn't man enough to stop it, you need to.

And now I will copy this down as I need to take my own advice! Why is it so easy to see it in someone else's situation???