stella: dancing in limbo

[stella_k]

Dear all!

I haven't posted in a while and tried to let go and GAL. But now I need to vent again

If you remember, I've told H to stop calling me every day and to limit his visitations. As a matter of fact, I've told him not to visit at all, unless it's emergency. I explained, in a calm and friendly tone, that it HURTS me very much to have chit chats with him and to meet him face to face too often. That I would like to MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. H was sad but very understanding. He was still calling and coming over, but much much less.
Then, three weeks ago, he came over to pick up something he needed.
I offered tea, I always do. And while having tea I started a R talk (2x4!), telling him that doesn't matter how hard I try, it
still hurts very much just to see him. And, suddenly, I was crying. H came over and gave me a hug. He said: I love you. And I said: AND I LOVE YOU! WHY ARE YOU DOING IT TO US THEN?!
And then we were hugging and crying together, exactly the way I always thought it would happen. He asked me if I can hold just a bit longer, he's going to end it with OW (spider), because he's very unhappy and it's all WRONG, and we belong together. And silly me believed - again! AFTER 2 years 2 months I can still be that stupid. Unbelievable!

And then - you guessed it.

Next day - nothing.
Day after the next - nothing!
On the third day he's calling and I'm asking him (2x4!!) what's going on?! And listen to the alien BS: oh, I don't know... I'm so confused...

Then he's coming over - drunk. He's hugging me again. An alien - but a friendly one. Doesn't know what to do. I ask him if he's changed his mind again - no, he didn't. He just doesn't know what to do.
Long story short - hugs, ILYs, R convo, all faded out. I stopped asking him ?s and I feel like he's dragged me into this stupid pretending game again.
Once again he's calling whenever he wants to, telling me about his day, money talk, small talk. I don't ask if he's going to break up with OW and he (happily) doesn't tell me a thing.
I feel like I've been thrown off the cliff again.
He has me exactly where he wants me.
It's been more than 3 weeks since the "I'm going to break up with her" convo.
He called today, usual, his work, money, as if he was calling a good old friend.
I had to use all my self control to remain quiet. I created a very akward silence, more than once. All my nerves were screaming! I just wanted so badly to say FU and hang up and never talk to him again.
I don't want to be his friend!
It means, I've never really let go, right?
I only pretended...
I'm so confused...
I don't know what to do :D.

My H is just too much for me.

Any thoughts, please?