Is the answer blowing in the wind?

[Trixi]

MC yesterday.
He said more than once that he had thought January 1st we were done/he was going to get a break, but "as fate would have it" we got stranded when delivering SS to rehab and that is what brought us to MC. Actually, he would mostly say the first part about thinking we were done on the 1st.

He is basically fighting two urges- 1) to just get out and be free and single or 2) get back together and make it work. Currently, number 1 is stronger. He said that he had 2 failed marriages, the kids were a disappointment and so he sometimes felt like it would be much easier to just say f-it and start from scratch. (Later, I said that he had ONE failed marriage-this one is yet to be determined and may end up failed or may end up a victory.)

He says that when he thinks of us living together he gets a sense of dread, but he isn't really sure why. C drew the analogy that if we got into a car accident in a certain spot, every time we go past the certain spot, we have an initial physiological reaction because we got hurt there; she wondered if he was having that some sort of response. She acknowledged that for both of us, my thyroid condition really hurt our relationship but it IS corrected.

H did say that he is cake eating to a degree; but he doesn't feel good about it. He just doesn't know what to do. But one thing he DOESN'T want to do is have me hate him if "a few months" down the road he announces he's met someone and has fallen in love. OTOH, he also may want to 'just be single' so that he can focus on music.

Unfortunately, we won't be able to see the counselor for another 3 weeks since she is leaving town. Her idea is that we up our contact; make sure we have a date night once a week that we take turns planning and then a regular dinner at home night. Touch base once a day. See if we can explore this 'sense of dread' thing more in future sessions.

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It's pretty clear, isn't it? Why the heck I can't listen to what he is saying, I don't know. Oh sure, there were actually positive comments peppered thru-out, too. Those are the things that I hang onto I guess. Apparently, the 'kiss of death'/'straw the broke the camels back' in 2007, was attending marriage builders. Because after that I really wanted us to have our 15 hours/wk of undivided attention; not that I was actually logging the hours and saying "well, we have 8.75 hours so far" more that I was wanting us to spend time together and erroneously used the MB teachings to try to accomplish that. He rebeled and decided he just didn't want to do that. When he mentioned that to the MC yesterday she said "15 hours is a lot-really too hard to do." That chapped my ass. I said "no, not really. If you figure an hour'ish per night for dinner, there's 7 hours already done. Another 8 carved out on the weekend or spending more than an hour together once or twice during the week and you're at 15 hours." Grrrr. Let's think about how much time gets spent in front of computers and TV and now tell me that there is no way to find 15 hours. Puhleeze. Having said that--it wasn't the actual hours I was concerned about-- it was that it felt like spending ANY time was like pulling teeth.

Oh well, it's all in the past now. The ironic thing is that we probably spend more 'undivided attention' time together now, than when we lived together. H and I both have different perceptions of what happened back then.

I just want to move forward. I am sick and tired of looking backwards. I told him last night that I feel angry because he is standing in the way of me having my family and he agreed that he was doing that, but that's why we are going to counseling- to see if we can put it together. <---that is the statement that keeps me from moving on.