The Unfaithful Wife - That's Still Me #3

[25yearsmlc]

Mel,

Couple things and not all of them flow easily with each other. The ow thing is a real block. If you can get him in one of those calmer moments and ask him to empathize with you, and try to imagine the reverse of positions, maybe he could then see how genuinely outrageous it is for him to assume you wouldn't be hurt/infuriated.

As for the "not rushing into D" that tells me he is not sure what he wants and he's trying to see how this all goes. And, OR, he is liking the getting to have his cake and eating it too. If you are not sure you want a D, and you aren't or you would not be here talking, then consider this a good sign, regardless of his motives (and we cannot do too much mind reading here b/c that gets us nowhere). The fact is that you have enough contact with him to contrast his negative memories and images of you and the m, with positive ones.

That way, even if things were bad in the M (and they were not as bad as he sometimes pretends vis a vis you, but were bad in terms of how he treated you at times so don't re-write the m history too much as I sense you are starting to slide down that road again and taking too much blame) you can show him that they/you are different now. It will lower his "risk" of being hurt again, in his mind, if you are demonstrating those contrasts. Gee, sure would be nice if YOUR risks were lowered too. You are the one who has most recently been hurt.

IOW, his data about you is not real or relevant anymore, if it ever was. You are a great catch NOW, and going forward you'll make someone a great wife. Does he want to be the beneficiary of the great woman you are now, or does he want someone else to?


It's a lot about staying in the present and knowing how things would be from now on. You both have the "right" to be afraid of getting hurt again, for God's sake! I don't get the A "details" b/c he is in one now, first off. That's the problem for me. If this were "normal" and you had had an A in the past, and he wanted to get past it and you were trying to help him and he wanted details (see the book "After the Affair" for info on this b/c I just don't get the whole 'gory detail' thing being helpful....) THEN I could maybe understand you providing them. But the thing is, he is PRESENTLY in an A....and telling you what? The truth? Ummm

BEST CASE scenario, realistically, and I hate telling you this, but seriously....best case is she is an EA with some PA in there. But down deep Mel, do you actually believe he is not sleeping with her? If you feel that way, I'll listen cuz you know him better than I do. I just don't get wth she is doing there, esp b/c of the way he hangs out with her socially and shopping and then acts as if he's "with HER," (not just some 'roommate' he gave a ride to), when he runs into you.

Thus it puts you at a disadvantage and an unfair one. You are going to give him honest info (or is it AMMO??) and will he use that against you? He sure could. How is the R going to benefit by this info? Can he tell you that? You know he has a history of lying as much as you must have so why on earth won't he tell YOU the truth about her? PErhaps b/c This way he can tell his family you are an A, and he is not, and therefore whatever he wants to do, he can. All justified...

My basic take is He is seriously conflicted. I wish I knew him but I don't. All I know is, these circumstances stink. Can you please get a session with a DB coach cuz I'm telling you, this one is a hard one. You have overlapping issues that seem to warrant diff treatments...like 2 or 3 diff diagnosis...he drinks too much now (and oh, btw, does that come up as a topic or do we just stay focussed on what he decides is relevant....????), he has an OW NOW, and .......sometime in the past you had an A...


Yii yii yii...that's all I got for now. Sorry! But I'm thinking hard!!
( j )