The Unfaithful Wife - That's Still Me #3

[K4D]

I'm not sure why I brought up the A. I guess there are just questions that linger and I'd like some answers. But I'm not going to get them. My W filed for D yesterday. She doesn't want us back together.

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

(((J)))

Thanks. I know the path, I just don't really want to go down it.

He came over last night to bring me some meds. I've had a crick in my neck for days now and it is killing me. We talked calmly for about an hour. He wants us to stay with this "friend" thing. He said he wants a divorce but he doesn't want to RUSH into a divorce. ??? I told him that I would like for him to at least make his intentions clear, which he did to an extent in that statement. I told him that I didn't think it was too much to expect for him to know if he thought this M was worth saving or not. It's a simple contemplation. It doesn't mean that we move back in together right away. It just means that we are working towards each other, that we keep talking the way we have been, and we try to build good times together. He asked me a question about the A, but then apologized for asking, and I told him not to apologize, that he has the right to ask questions, and that I feel like if I want this to work, I need to answer them. I want to answer them. I am sure he realizes he may not like the answer. But I will answer them honestly. And I told him that he deserves answers to his questions, regardless of how it makes me feel. His need to know outweighs my pride. He was nice the whole time and didn't say anything mean or hurtful. It was a conversation like the last few emails. I remembered to try to get too emotional. I guess his family is calling him and telling him what he needs to do (move OW out and reconcile) and honestly they are hurting more than they are helping. He was upset about that, prolly cause he knows they are right, but he HATES being told what to do.

I know I should quit talking about A, J, but he has answers and I feel obligated to answer them.

Between us, we are better with what is going on, talking. Do you still think leave his butt in the dust until he gets rid of OW? It's going to be at least July. And he's sitting on the divorce, too, so basically, he is in control of everything right now. I am galing, all that stuff, basketball game again tonight, but I dunno.

The confusion sucks.

Melissa

[Mellenmack]

j, i get the thing behind "a woman only a fool would leave" but will you go into it more? Or where did you get it from? Book?
I guess I kinda thought that by still talking that's what I was doing, but who knows.

Thanks.

Melissa

[whatdidido]

I don't believe his family are hurting more than they are helping. Family is about the only people that can crack through a "fog". Family keeps you grounded. Just spending time with family brings back what you want in life, how you were brought up, what you believe, etc.

What you said in the last post really sounds like he is rethinking his decision to divorce. I think, if it were me (not that you asked), I would let him know that you will work toward the marriage as long as he is, and that means getting OW out. You know how it can be to end an affair. He may have been promising the OW things up to this point. He may even feel guilty about leaving HER, if you can believe it. And, the trust issues he has with you.... All of those things make it so hard.

[rustie]

(((Mel)))

"He wants us to stay with this "friend" thing. He said he wants a divorce but he doesn't want to RUSH into a divorce. ??? "

Gosh, as much as this doesn't really seem like the "answer" you wanted, I really believe that this is a good thing. I know that you would've wanted him to not add the fact that he wants divorce. But remember .. he is still processing all of the OM issue.

Not that I should be giving advice. I have my own set of huge problems/issues. But .. I am remembering back from when I was successful in DBing ..

BTW, H4U commented to you, on his thread, that he would give you some input if you were interested.

Take some deep breaths .. try to have a good day/weekend!

rustie

[25yearsmlc]

Mel,

Couple things and not all of them flow easily with each other. The ow thing is a real block. If you can get him in one of those calmer moments and ask him to empathize with you, and try to imagine the reverse of positions, maybe he could then see how genuinely outrageous it is for him to assume you wouldn't be hurt/infuriated.

As for the "not rushing into D" that tells me he is not sure what he wants and he's trying to see how this all goes. And, OR, he is liking the getting to have his cake and eating it too. If you are not sure you want a D, and you aren't or you would not be here talking, then consider this a good sign, regardless of his motives (and we cannot do too much mind reading here b/c that gets us nowhere). The fact is that you have enough contact with him to contrast his negative memories and images of you and the m, with positive ones.

That way, even if things were bad in the M (and they were not as bad as he sometimes pretends vis a vis you, but were bad in terms of how he treated you at times so don't re-write the m history too much as I sense you are starting to slide down that road again and taking too much blame) you can show him that they/you are different now. It will lower his "risk" of being hurt again, in his mind, if you are demonstrating those contrasts. Gee, sure would be nice if YOUR risks were lowered too. You are the one who has most recently been hurt.

IOW, his data about you is not real or relevant anymore, if it ever was. You are a great catch NOW, and going forward you'll make someone a great wife. Does he want to be the beneficiary of the great woman you are now, or does he want someone else to?


It's a lot about staying in the present and knowing how things would be from now on. You both have the "right" to be afraid of getting hurt again, for God's sake! I don't get the A "details" b/c he is in one now, first off. That's the problem for me. If this were "normal" and you had had an A in the past, and he wanted to get past it and you were trying to help him and he wanted details (see the book "After the Affair" for info on this b/c I just don't get the whole 'gory detail' thing being helpful....) THEN I could maybe understand you providing them. But the thing is, he is PRESENTLY in an A....and telling you what? The truth? Ummm

BEST CASE scenario, realistically, and I hate telling you this, but seriously....best case is she is an EA with some PA in there. But down deep Mel, do you actually believe he is not sleeping with her? If you feel that way, I'll listen cuz you know him better than I do. I just don't get wth she is doing there, esp b/c of the way he hangs out with her socially and shopping and then acts as if he's "with HER," (not just some 'roommate' he gave a ride to), when he runs into you.

Thus it puts you at a disadvantage and an unfair one. You are going to give him honest info (or is it AMMO??) and will he use that against you? He sure could. How is the R going to benefit by this info? Can he tell you that? You know he has a history of lying as much as you must have so why on earth won't he tell YOU the truth about her? PErhaps b/c This way he can tell his family you are an A, and he is not, and therefore whatever he wants to do, he can. All justified...

My basic take is He is seriously conflicted. I wish I knew him but I don't. All I know is, these circumstances stink. Can you please get a session with a DB coach cuz I'm telling you, this one is a hard one. You have overlapping issues that seem to warrant diff treatments...like 2 or 3 diff diagnosis...he drinks too much now (and oh, btw, does that come up as a topic or do we just stay focussed on what he decides is relevant....????), he has an OW NOW, and .......sometime in the past you had an A...


Yii yii yii...that's all I got for now. Sorry! But I'm thinking hard!!
( j )

[K4D]

(((Mel))))

I have Divorce looming #4 going now.

How are you doing? Today was my last day on the job.

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

Okay. Question.

When I moved out, H and I had a few conversations about being/getting divorced/dating, etc. At the time, neither of us wanted to date anyone else (I had already started to take steps to separate from OM, too.) I realized I did want time alone. H asked me to stop seeing OM because it would be hard for him to move on with this OM. Does that make sense? Okay. I did what he asked because it was the right thing, and it was what I wanted anyway. Lord, but I really did just want time ALONE.

Do ya'll think it would be appropriate or realistic to remind him of this stitch and ask him to also honor my request? Let's just say for argument's sake that they are not sleeping together. MLC, I don't think they are. Maybe I am stupid. (Puppy??) I do believe there is at least EA. I think it is reasonable but do YA'LL think he would find it a reasonable request if presented with it that way? The only other way to get her out of there is to threaten with a no-contact order and that won't accomplish anything except make him mad.

Melissa

[25yearsmlc]

what is the purpose of the request in the sense that, you are saying you want her to go b/c (who wouldn't?) you are BOTH trying to save the M? He'll say he isn't. So, from HIS point of view why would he listen to a request of yours? You can remind him of the original one, and say you complied and would like him to do so as well. But back then wasn't the idea that you both wanted to be alone to think about maybe getting back? If he is pretending (or not) to want to move on, why would you have a say in it? It'll look like a test. You are going to need one sometime...

Instead, act as if she is proof that he does not want to restore the M, (and she IS!) and be the WOAFWL (you know, woman only a fool....) and make him want to prove something to YOU...

POINT BEING, until he tells you that HE wants to work on things, what conditions are you in a position to put on him? You can say that "friendship" of the close kind (not PA, but good friends) he seems to want, is precluded for you, b/c she is there and though you want to trust him, and maybe you even believe him, you feel the "mere appearance of impropriety" (military people get that) makes you feel unable to comply. Plus you think it's a double standard of his (which it absolutely IS) b/c he'd never allow this of you.

And don't forget Mel....ummm, a few days of his opening up to you is not exactly the same as him saying "I'll treat you well, want to get back together, I'll STOP DRINKING and I'll STOP acting weird around you and saying "are you okay"? after you see me with OW in public and oh, sure, I'll stop having a "roommate" in the house when my w and d4 are living somewhere else... HE knows this is BS and you do too. Why is she there? Why aren't you? Wth is going on with this?

Mel, Mel....is that a straw I hear? Or are you getting sucked back into his crazy world where this is normal or acceptable? I really hope it's a straw and you are having a milkshake... and his double standards are self serving and unfair. Period.

(( j ))

[Mellenmack]

I totally agree that he is being selfish. I know that. I'm just trying to find a balance between being a friend so that I can be a WOAFWL and yet still not be approving of the stitch. Why is she still there? Because she is leaving the USAF in July and wants to just stay there so that she can collect BAH, not have to pay rent, and save money.

Lord, I think about all of it, and it's just too overwhelming and more than anybody, including him, has a right to ask. I know my As are in the past, and I know they won't happen again. But he doesn't trust that. I don't blame him to an extent, but at the same time, it's a simple enough question. Is the marriage worth saving or not? And as long as she is living there, the answer for him is no. He realizes that the ball is in his court right now and he is totally using it to his advantage to put things off, not do some things, do other things. And all the dang while, his chain of command appears to be backing him up, so he thinks he is right. He doesn't want to be married right now. It should be so obvious to me because 1. he tells me. and 2. his actions. so why the hell am i so friggin confused??

he doesn't want to prove anything to me right now. he doesn't think he has to. he thinks i am the one with everything to prove, and to an extent i agree that i have to continue to prove that i am trustworthy....but how long is reasonable to give someone? if they are doing everything they can to prove they have changed, when do you start saying okay, i have to believe this person.

another option is to just move back in. just let him know that i will be moving back in a week and he needs to find somewhere else for OW to be.

i haven't told my parents about OW either. because i know they would go thru the roof. *even given my past*. i'm not sure they would ever forgive him, whereas his parents have already forgiven me. but. that's not my problem. that is a consequence for his own actions.
I hate my life and want this dang drama OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Melissa.

PS do the DB coaches work weekends??

M