I decided around midnight last night that is it time I turned my back on the past and the hopes I had for my M. I am sad but at this point not devastated. More disappointed...
As a quick recap, H did NOT close on the house yesterday. There was a bunch of stuff that they wanted to verify, paperwork, double checks, yada yada. So he will close some time in the future...
Also he sent me two texts Sunday. The first said he was "hoping/praying that all the work he was doing on the house would be something we both get to enjoy the benefits of". The second said "I don't know how to do this without you and I am praying for guidance to make us better...I hope I don't run out of time"
That was Sunday and nothing about it since. We have spoken every day about the house, sick kids, etc but not about what he said. Except that Monday he did say he meant what he said in the message but was still trying to figure out how to make it happen. (Hint: you have to DO something to make it happen, not just write a text) Of course I didn't say that...
Anyway I think he is rapidly running out of time. Two things happened last night that for some reason have me turning today:
1)I was down cleaning out the basement storage area last night to make some more space/organize. I came across a grocery bag of random stuff I must have cleaned off a counter top or something to deal with later, and forgot. Inside the bag was my birthday card and anniversary card from Dan this past August. That was after he decided he wanted back and we had done our retro weekend.
The cards had messages he wrote by hand about how love is a choice, that my choice to love him through all the mess is what kept us together through it, and now his choice to love me would keep us moving forward. That was 5 months ago and look how long that lasted...(Although he said Sunday night that this feeling was different from the 2 or 3 other times he tried to come back, those times it was more for the kids or that it was the 'right thing' but this time was b/c he wanted ME...)
2)I checked FaceBook before bed and one of Dan's best friends from childhood and college had posted. Dan has grown apart from him in the past 5 years due to all of our moves but our son Nathan got his middle name from this man.
Anyway it was a harmless post, "25 things about me", but it struck me that 2 of the 25 were about his wife. One was "I love my wife. She is my polar opposite but we prove the adage that opposites attract". And the last thing on the list was "The two best decisions I ever made in my life were to join xxx Fraternity, and to marry my wife."
The fact that he simply and unashamedly wrote of his feelings for his wife just struck me. It wasn't some goofy mushy sentiment, and it wasn't that sarcastic back-handed compliment some guys give to cover up their feelings. It was just, "I love my wife and marrying her was the best decision ever".
Sorry this is so long, just getting this off my chest. The fact is I don't SEE that sentiment in my husband, I don't FEEL that sentiment from him either. So I feel like I need to step away from this dance where he tries to offer up just enough to keep me hanging on...
Oh and I sent him a quick e-mail about 45 minutes ago about one of the bills and who was paying it (not closing yet means I shouldn't make any major bill payoffs that would draw attention I guess).
He replied back immediately, "Please call if you can."
Then he sent back one minute later, "Can you call me"
So I went ahead and called, figured it was highly important. Guess what? The transmission went out of his $40K truck, the one that he has only had for a year! I asked what happens next, he said the dealer was bringing a tow truck and going to loan him a courtesy car.
I said, "OK, what did you need me to call you for?"
H: Well, to tell you about my truck. And that I am working on getting transportation because right now I am stuck here at work...
Me: Okay but they are sending a courtesy car, right?
H: That's what they said...I will let you know if they do.
Me: Okay then, bye
SEE, that is a crisis. That is something that needs attention. His truck. He needed to talk to me about it, even though he didn't need to talk to me. The situtation is under control. There was nothing urgent there. If anything a quick email "Hey BBJ truck dropped its tranny, I am going to have a loaner car for the weekend FYI". Even that really isn't my concern any more.
It just reminds me of what is important to him and what isn't....
Mike I know you will say I am overthinking again. I am just tired of this. I need some space.........
One thing from some things I've been through...I used to try and think of ANY reason just so I could talk to my wife. I didn't/don't want to just tell her I just wanted to say "hi" I used to make up reasons, maybe that is what he is doing?????
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
It's possible, volleydog. I just don't get why it was so urgent that he sent me two emails in two minutes PLUS a missed call on my phone, all to tell me that his transmission it out...his mom has her chemo. on Fridays and I was worried something was wrong.
Hey BBJ - You have the right attitude. Just go with the flow, observe and enjoy the day to day life. Someday soon you will get the love back into your life with either Dan or someone new.
BTW... I think the reason that S_Y_D gets censored is that is stands for "Stop Your Divorce".
LOL...I meant to include that sorry, I wouldn't have done the urgent thing, maybe one message like give me a call when you get a chance but that would have been it.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I gathered a group of 4 girls we are going to see "He's Just Not That Into You" tonight, followed by a drink somewhere.
And I am gone Sunday night-Wednesday night for a work conference in Des Moines. Not 'fun' per se but a nice little road trip for me as I don't get to travel much, being a teacher. I am looking forward to the hotel hot tub and treadmill...plus meeting my sister one night at a margarita/taco place downtown.
Yes, H, you are right to fear that you are running out of time. I have given you nothing BUT time. Time to carry on your affair for MONTHS while I questioned you but never really stood up for myself.
I gave you 8 MONTHS after I confonted you in the hotel room about your affair, to allow you to keep seeing her but also living with me and sleeping with me. I let you take your time deciding what you wanted as you swung back and forth.
Then I gave you the benefit of the doubt when you wanted to move back in with me and our children. I gave you that summer and early fall to just basically show up at home, do the dialogue some of the time, go through the motions. I could tell the whole time that your heart was not in it but I wanted it so badly I thought I could hold it together for both of us if I tried hard enough. It just led to me nagging and you leaving.
Since November it has been a swinging door with you, in/out in/out. And every time you couldn't give me anything real, real emotions, real actions, real loving words that said you wanted to be with me.
NOT with our children
NOT to 'be a family again'
NOT because it was 'the right thing to do'
NOT because you 'owed me for my dedication to you'
Those are all good and fine but I did not get anything about how you missed ME, you loved ME, you chose ME.
Now you say almost a week ago you don't know how to do this without me. That for the first time you realize you DO want me. You are trying to figure it out and hope you don't run out of time.
Well, you ARE running out of time. Because every day that you DON'T tell me you love me, that you DON'T tell me you miss me, that you DON'T dare to reach out and even just touch my hand, I am building up my own wall between us. To protect me in case you change your mind again.
I have no advice for you, it cannot be me telling you what I want from you anymore. You never had a problem showing me love when you wanted to before...I am tired. And you are running dangerously low on time.
THANKS--Just had to get it out there so my brain had breathing room again.
And to be clear I do NOT want Dan to move back in. It is for the best that he has his own place and we each have our own space. But if he does have a desire to rebuild, then he would need to DO something....even just a voicemail "hey wanted you to know I am thinking of you"...or something like that. Not the moon, that is not my expectation.
I just saw Stella post to Kalni. Didn't know she was still around...read her newest thread. I see her H is still swinging back and forth....I so don't want to keep going through that stuff myself! Guess I am the one who can change that, huh?
I asked what happens next, he said the dealer was bringing a tow truck and going to loan him a courtesy car.
