I decided around midnight last night that is it time I turned my back on the past and the hopes I had for my M. I am sad but at this point not devastated. More disappointed...
As a quick recap, H did NOT close on the house yesterday. There was a bunch of stuff that they wanted to verify, paperwork, double checks, yada yada. So he will close some time in the future...
Also he sent me two texts Sunday. The first said he was "hoping/praying that all the work he was doing on the house would be something we both get to enjoy the benefits of". The second said "I don't know how to do this without you and I am praying for guidance to make us better...I hope I don't run out of time"
That was Sunday and nothing about it since. We have spoken every day about the house, sick kids, etc but not about what he said. Except that Monday he did say he meant what he said in the message but was still trying to figure out how to make it happen. (Hint: you have to DO something to make it happen, not just write a text) Of course I didn't say that...
Anyway I think he is rapidly running out of time. Two things happened last night that for some reason have me turning today:
1)I was down cleaning out the basement storage area last night to make some more space/organize. I came across a grocery bag of random stuff I must have cleaned off a counter top or something to deal with later, and forgot. Inside the bag was my birthday card and anniversary card from Dan this past August. That was after he decided he wanted back and we had done our retro weekend.
The cards had messages he wrote by hand about how love is a choice, that my choice to love him through all the mess is what kept us together through it, and now his choice to love me would keep us moving forward. That was 5 months ago and look how long that lasted...(Although he said Sunday night that this feeling was different from the 2 or 3 other times he tried to come back, those times it was more for the kids or that it was the 'right thing' but this time was b/c he wanted ME...)
2)I checked FaceBook before bed and one of Dan's best friends from childhood and college had posted. Dan has grown apart from him in the past 5 years due to all of our moves but our son Nathan got his middle name from this man.
Anyway it was a harmless post, "25 things about me", but it struck me that 2 of the 25 were about his wife. One was "I love my wife. She is my polar opposite but we prove the adage that opposites attract". And the last thing on the list was "The two best decisions I ever made in my life were to join xxx Fraternity, and to marry my wife."
The fact that he simply and unashamedly wrote of his feelings for his wife just struck me. It wasn't some goofy mushy sentiment, and it wasn't that sarcastic back-handed compliment some guys give to cover up their feelings. It was just, "I love my wife and marrying her was the best decision ever".
Sorry this is so long, just getting this off my chest. The fact is I don't SEE that sentiment in my husband, I don't FEEL that sentiment from him either. So I feel like I need to step away from this dance where he tries to offer up just enough to keep me hanging on...
