Well, hello everyone. My last thread locked ( Refuse To Lose, Part XI )and I've been swamped, so I haven't had a chance to start up a new one until now. So, here it is and here's what is going on w/me.
Ok, well, the trip to DC was amazing! Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum, it was an incredible experience to be there and witness history. Now we have to see whether or not the tone of our national politics will indeed change so we can actually get some things done in Washington.
So, I came back from the week in DC - although it was great, it was stressful trying to make sure 27 Seniors didn't get lost in the throngs that decended on the Nation's capital that week - and then I instantly began packing up the house and moving.
I've been able to get it all done - moved 1800 sq. ft. of house + a 2 car garage into a 1000 sq. ft. apartment - so now it is just me and my boxes. The house is done and sold and we only lost $144.16 on the sale, so all things concidered, things worked out well w/ the sale.
The down side is I managed to wear myself out and pick up a nasty cold that forced me to miss school one day last week. I should have stayed in bed all day when I called in sick, but I didn't. No, I got up and packed stuff and moved it. Anyway, I'm much better now and looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday.
As far as my sitch is concerned, XW and I had a fight the weekend I returned b/c I couldn't spend enough time w/D as I was frantically trying to move from the house to the apartment. Anyway, I did allow her to bait me in and we argued a bit before I "wised" up and told her I understand she didn't like me and that she wasn't going to be pleased w/anything I chose to do and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I then let her know I hope our relationship could be different and in time maybe it would be. I finished by wishing her a good night and a good week at work.
It worked as the "ice queen" thawed a bit and even - I hope you are sitting - APOLOGIZED for some of the sh!tty comments she made to me on Sunday. I thanked her for apologizing and accepted her apology, told her I found her words to be hurtful and left it at that. Since then, she's been incredibly nice and supportive of everything - even telling me I needed rest and to stop working on the apartment b/c she was worried about my health.
I know, I know. It is what it is and I'm not getting too excited about it, but it would be wonderful if we could eventually have a working relationship b/c that would be what is the best for our D. In fact, I'm sure that once I get the pension stuff started, she'll be angry again and quickly if the outcome is in my favor. So, I'm bracing for that, but for now, I'll enjoy the communication that doesn't have so much venom.
To that end, I still find myself attracted to her and I'm pretty sure it is b/c I'm looking at the person I knew, not the person she's become. It is unrealistic for me to "wish" for her to change and see the damage she's done b/c that is out of my control. XW can only change if she chooses to do so.
The current feelings are there b/c of my sadness over the destruction of our family and seeing how much D hurts. I know XW is toxic for me to be around, so my thoughts when we are together are irrational. I ache for my D and only wish I could have had the power to "save" my former M. For the sake of my precious baby, I'll always be sad that she is the innocent victim in this situation.
My baby deserves a healthy and whole family, but I know I won't be able to provide that for her. However, what I can and will provide is stability and love regardless of what happens to my relationship status. I can guarantee only that I can and will be there for her whenever she needs me.
That is the least I can do out of this situation for my little girl.
Welcome back handsome!!! I missed you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!
So, when is the house warming party scheduled for? New beginnings are a good thing. I am happy you managed everything done without collapsing (not much at least).
Sadness over what could had happened is something I think everybody feels after a divorce.
RTL, 100% in agreement with you....you echo my sentiments. What is done is done...we can only worry about the future. our Ds are hurting...but if they see us "happy", the hurt will slowly fade. I have to believe that. On the XW front, even if they do come all the way back to who they were, I don't think many of us would be able to forget the hurt their actions have caused.....let's hope we find someone that we are attracted to and who's company we enjoy in the not too distant future. This will undoubtedly help us move on....
I'm glad to be back and I'm going to address the posts from my last thread right before it shut off, then get to the new ones.
Gypsy - I am envious of your ability to be at peace, even though I know you struggle. You said "The big change is that I get up faster. I recover faster." That is the place I'm striving to reach - lower down times and much, much longer up times. I have some females to chat w/ and I'm becomming more aware of what boundaries really are, how to set them, and how to make sure they are respected. It is a new lesson, but I'm learning it.
bizarre - dating is tough because it does mean the M is over. XW has her new man and it makes me sad to see how quickly I was thrown aside. I really don't bleed for myself, but for my D. She's the one who is really confused about it all. But, you are right, and I'll keep getting back on the ol' horse and trying until something clicks.
Carlos - The trip was awesome! It is difficult to describe, but just being there is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity I'll never forget...along w/the other 1.8 million people. As for moving, being free of the house is wonderful. I'm still paying for some of the old bills on the house, but that will end after this month and then I'll be completely on my own...and hopefully have the canned goods put away by then too.
I'm sorry I was away for so long. I missed everyone here too. Being out of town and having my thread lock while I was in DC sucked. Then, I instantly came back and moved for every spare minute of the week I returned and followed that up w/a weekend of quality time w/my D. So, there was NO time to get caught up w/all of my friends here until just this week.
And you know how much goes on if you step away for even one day in this place, so I've been busy.
I am happy for the new beginning. I'm starting to like having the little apartment and that has motivated me to unpack boxes more rapidly this week. As soon as most things are out of boxes and either correctly placed or thrown away, I'll start to view my apartment as "home."
Finally, the sadness is awful and it is also unavoidable. I wish I had the power to make it go away, but I don't. If I had that much control, I wouldn't be in the position to be sad over what could have been.
So, as you say, the best thing to do is to embrace it and keep walking forward (or as FG would say, RTL, "do work").
I'm glad I'm back too, my friend, and I'm even happier to have been missed. RTL
It is good to have a kindred spirit as I travel on my journey. I do wish neither of us were here, but we are, so we have to keep moving forward for ourselves and for our daughters.
The letting go of the past is critical, but it is also imperative for us not to lose the lessons the past has taught us, regardless of how painful they were.
The hurt may never go away and I don't think my XW will ever be able to fully work through her issues enough to understand and try to repair the damage she's done to not only me, but to our D.
I think in time someone will be there for both of us. The trouble is the waiting is the hard part. Time is an enemy right now, it seems.
RTL. Try to be happy that at least the move is behind you. I think as long as you have things hanging over your head, like the pension, it is very hard to move on. But once all is done it might be easier to truly start healing. What ever happened with the ring? Hang in there!
I am also very glad the move is over. I'm starting to feel "normal" again and get settled. I have to thank my little dog who has been locked in the kitchen for spurring me to work a little faster putting things in their places over the past few days.
See, as I locked him in the kitchen, the baby gates used to fence him in were surrounded by some packed boxes. Well, the past few nights, I came home to find the boxes completely chewed through and cardboard all over the kitchen. He didn't get out, but he made a heck of a mess....and forced me to put things away then and there.
You also bring up a good point about the pensions and the ring. I still need to get the $500-$750 set aside to do the pension evaluation and get that ball rolling. The issue w/the ring is still in the air. She's mentioned it a few times, as have I, but it hasn't been acted upon.
The dust is settling quite a bit, I'm breathing easier, so I think those two items will be focused on really soon...and the sooner the better.
The apartment is ok. It isn't in the highest end area, but beggars can't be choosers right now. My key is to save money and reorganize everything from the ground up, so I'm on the cheap now and can move out in a year or so to somewhere "nicer" if I want.
Setting boundaries is nice and it is easier to do than I'd ever realized. I'm 38 and never set them before, so I've got a lot of catching up to do in that regard, but it is very clear that the better you are at establishing and protecting your boundaries, the more respect you are given from everybody.
