Here's a thought. You and your husband have two counselors focused on helping you two see where you fit together now. They are professional cheerleaders who are also the coaches setting up the plays.
The 'game' can't be won with the teammates focused on each other's shortcomings rather than the goal. The 'game' falls apart if each teammate runs toward an opposite goal.
What is the game, what is the goal, where are you?
I see it as more of a "WTF?" statement of clarity.
As your spouse is now, he will always fail based on your estimation. The same is true in how he sees you.
What is the goal.. not what's easy to state: To be a family for the children.
Strip away the drama, pain, buttons pushed and stand naked before the mirror. Look in the mirror and find your answers.
Maybe I havent changed as much either... I dont know anymore. I am trying to think today what could he do to make me feel better towards him.
I guess a real apology, although romantic, seems important to me. I need the story. I NEED the story. I dont want the story. I NEED it. I wish he loved me enough to get over his guilt and selfshiness and approach me, hold me, talk to me sweetly and show me love. I wish he was strong enough to watch me cry, hear me out, discuss, explain and spend time healing. One time for 5 hours, next for 3, next for 1 and then leave it all behind. But I cant have discussions with boundaries and not permitted areas by him. He would have to be ready and willing to talk about anything and everything.
I guess naej is right. I could overcome alot if I felt his love. I know FG and fb2 will disagree and fb2 will tell me to show him love but I feel I have the "right" to be given some attention before I can get emotional with him. Because I dont feel loving with him. Not at all.
He called earlier and asked if he could come home tonight. We had said something about going out but not made any arrangements. I said yes, he can come home. I am afraid when I see him I will start crying and never stop... K
You are so beautiful. I'm always amazed at the folds in my flesh when I go by the BIG mirror to shower, but I stop and look saying.. "Yep.. that's me.. uh huh".
You are what you want to be. I'm a hefty mama now, hate my body. But one night for a dance I got all dressed up, looked great and walked around with the mindset that I was the most alluring person there and let myself smile. I was still overweight, I still hated my body but I chose to walk the walk and experiment. I'm only as unappealing as I make myself.
I had lots of dances that evening, I had a great time, someone asked me out, someone propositioned me. I didn't go for the date or the proposition because I found I knew what I wanted. I didn't know going in but I did when it happened.
About the "lost" question..
Stop..
Just stop.
Breathe.
Exhale.
Do it again, bigger this time.
Exhale.. longer..
Keep doing that over and over.
Relax.
It's not that big a deal. It's not brain surgery.
It's a choice a day.. one choice a day.
Who do you want to be today? How do you want this day to be?
It's all yours, my dear friend. There are no rights or wrongs.
I don't know what to say. You are locked into this 8 week commitment, and it is having a very negative effect on you. For the record, you are not a bitch, and you are not fat either. I don't like the way this counseling thing is making you question yourself. Look around you, there are many sexy women who are not thin. It is not necessary to be thin to be sexy. Sexy is in your head, not your body.
As an official, Retrouvaille trained letter writer, I saw problems with the letter you sent him. but it was already sent, so I said nothing about it. If you plan to write him another letter, I would be happy to review it first and take out parts that may seem accusatory. (The method is to not talk about him at all, simply don't use the word "you", especially not as the subject of a sentence.)
But that is past, and it is not the worst transgression within your relationship with your husband. So there is not a need to make a big deal about it. He should not have come into your home and yelled at you in the first place. Funny, how that gets overlooked.
What exercise did they give you for this week? It seems to me that you both need to go back and do the be nice to each other surprises again.
Honey, I really have no words that might help, but I want you to know that your struggle is at the forefront of my mind today. I am praying for peace within your soul and love to warm your heart. You are a woman of beauty and grace and you are being honest about your feelings. If your H is faulting you for YOUR feelings then there isn't much you can do about that. He will think whatever he wants to think and he's entitled to that, but he is using your feelings against you. That isn't emotionally healthy but that is his issue to deal with.
I forget, has he had IC?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
tWell, I dont know if he is coming over tonight. He called and we had a "fight" again. He said i snap at him a lot, "all the time" and he will not stand tha anymore, he doesnt accept it and I must change or else...
He is right. I guess I cant be calm with him anymore, sometimes I am fine and the minute I hear his voice I get irritated. I dont do much, dont misunderstand me, I actually am to the point and business like but talk back to him. Today for example he said he is working tomorrow. He has been working for several Sat and I have asked him if he gave his day off to someone else. He has told me no, but every Sunday is the same. So I asked today and said "are you telling me the truth?" He said "why wouldnt I tell you the truth even if I had? what's the difference if I work Sat or Sundays?" That's when my voice got louder and I told him :there is a difference because on Sat night for example we can go out and not worry about waking up on Sunday morning early, while on Sunday our kids have to go to bed early and I get up at 7 and that means we cant do much". I guess I got all excited and he really got mad.
Sigh... I don't know what to do. We are deteriorating to prebomb era so fast it's scary...
This sure sounds like it is going downhill pretty fast. "or else"????? wow....wish I knew what to tell you. Whatever it is you guys are doing is definatelly not working. this may sound strange but going dark comes to mind right now. I just do not see anything positive going on in your interactions. You guys are supposed to be reconciling!!!! It sounds like that is not even close to happening....but you know me, i am Mr. negative....i am sure someone else will find a silver lining in your latest exchange.
I was just thinking the harder the two of you push the more you both resist, I'll second John and say whatever you are both doing isn't working. My advise right now would be to back off, possibly go dark but I think that would make H just retreat into his shell so that not gonna work.
My gut feel K is that you are up against 2 forces, OP whether she be in the background or just in H head and H's job which I think is used as a smoke screen or barrier to avoid over exposure to you.
I know you are working to an 8 week program but at this rate I think your are heading for a D and I don't think H is working overly hard to avoid that.
Your sitch is so hard to read (understand) but if I take my far off view I think your are best focusing on Maria for a while (I'm sorry if that sounded like a cliche).
