WAW - yet another one

[confusedinpa]

Sorry this is a long one, but it was a bad nite last nite.

I really needs some help/encouragement as I so badly want to just give up but know I can't as what's at stake. Please take the time to read this.

It was such a blur/haze as far as exactly what happened but here's what I can remember of the chain of events.

We had talked during the day about what was going on for Sat after 9:00 AM soccer so as we were going to bed, I asked if she gave it any more thought. She got upset as she felt that it seems I really look forward to us spending time together (whether as a family or one on one) but she is still uncomfortable about it.

She said she was getting frustrated as she says that right now she feels we're roommates that are friends and is still uncomfortable about the level of "affection" I show her (hugs, kiss, touches and hand holding). I had tried to tone it down to just a hug and kiss in the morning, when she gets home and when we go to bed. I know I still touch her while we are sitting next to each other. Particularly last nite as we were watching episode 6 of season 1 of Lost - the Korean wife was torn of leaving her husband before getting on the plane. It touched me emotionally and I thought her as well so I know I got too huggy/touchy as she said "stop it", which I did.

She then brought up discussion on the custody hearing that's coming up. She had asked how my conversation with my lawyer went. I told her I called a lawyer (friend of my boss) Weds since I never heard from her guy and wanted to know what I was suppose to do. I didn't give her a lot of details other than I told him that I am trying hoping to save the marriage. He wound up calling her guy as they were good friends, which is how she got her call from the lawyer on Weds.

She told me that she still hasn't found a reason to change her mind. She had spent the first 2 weeks really trying, but just couldn't find any positive feelings left and that it has all been replaced by negative. She feels that no matter how much I have changed, she will still see the person who hurt, frustrated and made her so angry. I told her I was sorry to hear that, but I had expected that she wouldn't be able to find any emotional reason when she was feeling that way.

I asked her could we try a separation instead of a divorce. She said she considered it but didn't know how to do that so she just filed for a divorce since she felt she had no option. She felt that the option was either get a divorce or stay miserable. I then was stupid enough to offer that since she hadn't consider the third option - that I would get it so we can work on the relationship together - that isn't that something that was worth a try.

I followed that stupid move by asking her why she thought I wanted to save the marriage. She got to the point to acknowledge that I still love her deeply. I told her that I do love her and I would love to make her happy, even if it meant letting her go. What has me torn is giving up and the price it will have on the kids. I asked her why we had the kids if she was feeling that way for 8 years (particularly as the youngest will turn 3 at the end of March). She did acknowledge that it got worse after the second as I was traveling so far from work (almost 2 hours each way) and she felt that I wasn't there to support and help her.

I told her I recognize all the mistakes I made in the past and I know I can't go back in time to fix them. I told her I was working on fixing me. I then asked her if she felt I've "gotten it" now.

She said she's torn as part of her thinks I'm acting this way out of desperation and that she is also frustrated that I had actually "gotten it" now. She wished I hadn't as it would have been easier.

I told her that I understand now that a single person can only fix themselves, but it will take two to fix the relationship. The stakes were so high (with the 2 kids) that I can't just give up, but hope that she can find a way to really try.

She then got agitated as she said that was what she was doing over the last 3 to 4 weeks. I told her I had felt that she was really struggling over the first 2 weeks, but over the more recent couple of weeks, it felt like she was just trying to keep the peace. She said that was what she was doing over the last several years, but she didn't think she was doing that now.

She then asked me what I thought it meant to really try. That's when I got into forgiveness - not forgetting the past, but being able to look beyond it to try to build a relationship. She said that she doesn't think that she can do that as she is so frustrated/hurt/angry. I then wound up getting into what's at stake when she abruptly/angrily cut me off as she felt that I was just repeating myself and that she just wants to go to sleep.

I didn't say anything as that is part of my problem - she gets angry so infrequently (including the last 4 weeks) I can count how many times she was angry (loud and swearing) on 1 hand over the course of the 9 years of our marriage - that I don't know how to deal with it. In my past, I would deal with it very strongly to crush the anger, but never did that with my wife. When she told me she had filed, she did tell me that while I never did that to her, she knew about my past and was afraid.

She then got upset about why I didn't respond - so I just agreed wtih her and rolled over to go to sleep. I had really wanted to jump up and down about how unfair I felt it was that she starts talking about this stuff only when we are about to go to sleep and gets upset about how late we wind up talking. But I didn't.

I'm not sure how it happened, I could have sworn she asked a question or said something about I shouldn't beat myself up about the fact that she's angry/upset - which is something I had done a few times the last 4 weeks. I started to respond when she abruptly cut me off about not listening to her about wanting to go to sleep and wind up going to sleep in the family room. I let her settle down a little bit and I then did ask her if she wanted an extra blanket since it was cold last nite. She declined as she said she had a sweatshirt and socks and there were several blankets in the family room already.

This morning when she woke me to get ready for work, I asked her for a minute. I then just appologized for not listening to her last nite, both in bed and while we are watching Lost. She just responded OK, but wouldn't even look at me - I didn't try to hug or kiss her.

I got ready and as I was getting ready to leave, I asked her about tonite (our oldest wanted to go to Applebee's for dinner). I asked her if that was ok in case he asked me. She said yes. Then she appologized for being "mean and nasty" last nite. I told her that was ok as she was just expressing how she felt. She then asked for a hug to crack her back. Of course I obliged, but I didn't attempt a kiss - the first time in since I met her.

I know I messed up really badly. I hope she shows up for counseling on Monday so we can try to talk about it more. I'm really torn about calling her, but know that would be a mistake.

I'm on the verge of giving up. I was really sad when I saw my youngest this morning (with all the hope and dreams in his eyes) so I don't want to give up. Does anyone see any hope?