M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
That said I want to address this weekend with you. Your in a bad spot this week and it happens. You know you will come out of this in a day or so or a week or so.... it is what it is and you have to process all you heard this week. Stop beating yourself up for feeling like sh@t.. it's okay to wallow in it but for only a little while ;-)
This is my take on the weekend if you don't feel like you can do it. Remember me telling you that when I was seperated that H wanted his parents to stay here at the house. Well, I didn't feel I could do it for me. I was honest with his parents and with him. That it would put me to close to him and at that point it still confused me and I just didn 't feel like it would help me with the healing that I needed to do. They both understood because of the way I delivered it. With not much emotional overture and calm exterior. It was hard and it was a 180 to do what I always did because I was always people pleaser. They totally got it. You could just ask him instead to give you a list of things that you could work on there when he's not there and shortly you'll be able to join him just not this weekend. But show him you want to help. I ended up saying that in laws could stay here for a few nights and do stuff with the kids and I alone and everyone understood.
I think the meeting next week with C is unnecessary. You don't need to hear anything else that's hurtful. You know where he stands and you'll be the first to know if he changes. The C isnt' going to be able to help him come to his senses either. I will support you if you do go but I just don't want you to be hurt. There is only hurt there so don't visit it anymore. Stop checking to see if it's there ..it is here to stay for a little while and you are in control of backing away from it.
I know it's hard. I burned myself over and over again. I wished I could have stopped it sooner....so I am just giving you the same advice I was given.
On subject of S I have something to bounce of you but won't do it here so call me.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Great advice here, so I wont repeat it. Just wanted to tell you I think you are great and you will be ok. This is all so hard. And the problems with your son just add to it all.
Take care of you, S. Dont go this weekend to prove anything or worry about h or what his family will think. You dont owe them anything. Do what you want. If you feel it will be too hard, then dont go.
I agree about the C session too. It is not getting you anywhere to have h there.
If you don't feel up to going this weekend then don't. You need to protect yourself.
I remember trying to hold my h's hand in the car long time ago. He just pulled his hand away. We always held hands in the car. When the love tank is empty they have nothing to give.
It's all the loving unconditionally, being kind and loving that would bring your h home. Why would he want to be with you if you bring up all that he has done.
I know you want to say what's on your mind, but ask yourself how is that helping you? Right now your h could care less. He doesn't want to hear it. I would just forever hold my peace. Now that doesn't mean that further along in this journey that you wouldn't have the opportunity to speak more openly then. It's just right now, the timing is not good.
Forget about any affection right now. Your h is far from it. He needs to feel loving towards you, before that can happen. He can't feel those loving thoughts, when you are pressing him why can't we work on us, why did you do this, look what you have done. Can you see how these statments are not helping your h?
The C session could be a good thing if YOU allow. Many times early on in C, I just sat and listened and let my h lead. Boy did I bite my tongue, but I thought it was best at the time.
When we first went to C, my h sat away from me like space between us on the couch, now he sits right next to me holding my hand or arm. You see SC how time CAN change one's perspective.
You don't have to agree with all that your h is doing or saying, but you don't have to respond or challenge it either. Be neutral and see how it goes.
If you go this weekend, you will need to be upbeat and not allow the sadness to creep in.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I'm sorry for my absence today, but the DB board is now "blocked" where I work. I work for a financial services firm and they have a really finicky firewall, and every so often it gets updated and suddenly what was once OK, is not OK anymore.
I asked my boss if I was in trouble and he said not that he knew of, but then some of his frequent sites got blocked to.... And I can't exactly ask him to try to get my access to DB restored, when I should be working anyway. So, I guess I will just need to limit my time on the board to the evenings.
For those of you on the alt universe, please feel free to e-mail me. While I don't have access to FB at work either, I can get my e-mail, and if you leave me your direct e-mail address so I don't have to reply through FB, then I can get back to you during the day.
So, anyhoo. I do welcome all your advice! I am still feeling pretty depressed, and my S17 didn't go to school today again. His counselor called I had a talk with him about our sitch. He was very understanding and said he would do what he could to try to talk with S and encourage him. It appears that S just stayed home today. He is here now watching TV, but his eyes look clear and he seems like he's not high or anything. I still think that depression may be part of the problem too. He just doesn't seem motivated for anything at all......I can understand that feeling , but I am trying to set a good example for him.
D24 is coming over tonight, so I am going to just relax and watch a movie or two with my kids. I decided not to go over to the house tonight, because I am just not up to it. However, I do plan to go tomorrow and be up-beat, and PMA my a** off. By the way, it's my mom and step-dad that are going to be there. My step-dad works for H. So, I need to be there to make sure my Mom doesn't ambush H, and submarine my DB efforts more that I have myself!!
My plan for the C session with H next week is to listen to H with an open mind and validate IF he talks, and if he doesn't and it falls to me (as it usually does) I will use that time to discuss S17 and his issues.
Hey- I'm not that far from Federal Way. Are you having a get together? (not to horn in or anything)
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
And I can't exactly ask him to try to get my access to DB restored, when I should be working anyway. 
So, I guess I will just need to limit my time on the board to the evenings.
, but I am trying to set a good example for him. 
