MC sucked today. We touched a few things that showed we are far from being calm or forgiving or even understanding with each other.
H for the first time showed emotion=anger. He said he is fed up with me convincing him about things and he will finally express what he wants and he will not back off a step on anything.
For me the whole issue was stupid because I have been begging him to express what he wants all our common life and now suddenly I am accused for not letting him by "using appropriate arguments and brain washing him". Even he could NOT say I forced him, so I was accused for reacting and acting on things life threw our and way and using my brain...
I got really mad when he said that "he as well was alone, this one year was hard on him as well". When the C tried to tell him it was not the same for both of us, trying to excuse my sensitivity and make see he needs to reassure me about things, he said he doesnt accept that, "we were both responsible". I got really mad and said it' s not the same and I didnt even want to discuss that part. The C clarified that my position with kids, money, being rejected etc is definitely not the same as his, even if he accepted that or not. That he made a decision for himself and forced it on me.
Then we talked about fears. All the fears he writes are the same ONE: I will be brainwashing him and he will end up doing things he doesnt like. Aaaa, also that we will not have a good sexual life and that I will always bring back the separation as subject.
We read through our papers and when she read mine about "not being sure why he came back" she asked saying :"is this really true, isn't him being here a proof why? For you" and asked if I had made that question directly to him. I said I have and he told me 'for me as well",she then turned to him and asked him if he would consider coming back for me if there were no kids. He couldn't answer that. So, she gave him this assignment, to find out if he wanted me enough.
We talked about the other woman as she was one of my fears. The C asked a few questions and he for the first time was not dead set on "its my imagination".
She told us to take the papers with each others fears and write down what each can do to ease the anxieties of the other person.
He said he didnt do anything for our R because a) I blocked him with my email on Sunday, he was mad about that and b) he wasnt sure what to do that would make me happy.
She asked him if he told me he was mad and he said he didnt want to get in a fight. We talked a lot about the email and she said although it was clear I was trying to let him in my way of thinking, it was aggressive and she could see why he felt mad.
He said many little things that made me furious. The C had to intervene a couple of times to make me speak and him to shut up. He is mad now. I dont think I can take that. K
And Forrest, on the way home I was thinking that either there is a big love somewhere beneath all the hurt or that I am a masochist. I cant explain why I am doing this.
Sounds like it was difficult today. I think there were a couple of positives though..... at least H showed some emotion, and also he started accepting (maybe) that he needs to be more honest about his motivations and feelings. Perhaps he's starting to realise that he can't hide forever...... I hope so.
Interesting that he thinks he's being brainwashed. This sounds like something my (STBX?)H might say, because he's not sure of his own mind...... and something the OK Magazine guy would never say because he knows his own mind...... maybe what H needs to do during the MC process is to find his own mind for himself, and to be able to work out what he believes in. It just sounds very much as though he doesn't know, or can't communicate it.
I'm sure you'll get tons of good advice from other sources, but wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, on a Thursday night!
No advice from moi.....just reading along and following the saga. on some days (like today), I check on you before I check my e-mails.
Anyhow, I find it interesting that he could not answer the hypothetical question; "what if you did not have kids"? To me that speaks volumes. I also wonder if you were asked that same question? I have a hunch a know the answer to that. Perhaps that is the litmus test of all this. Would any of us attempt to reconcile if there are or were no kids involved? If the answer is no.....then Houston we have a problem.
b) he wasnt sure what to do that would make me happy.
((((((Kalni))))))
I think that as long as he is trying to figure out what to do to "make you happy" he isn't getting it. His focus is on the wrong person. Everthing else he said supports that, this just makes it totally clear. If he is just worried about making you happy, he isn't thinking about making himself happy. And if he isn't happy, we know where this ends up!
I woke up upset today. I have this feeling of someone being unfair to me. I am not saying I am correct about it I am just expressing how I feel.
How can I be resposnible for him not expressing his wishes?
How can I be wrong for using my brain and "finding strong arguments" over things?
How can I become something I am not?
How long do you think I would last?
For him it is either we agree or fight. And he thinks fights are horrible. The C told him that all couples fight and as long as these fights are resolved in a good way, could be a "good" thing in some cases. But my H when fighting, he screams and yells and goes nuts. So I guess, if for him there is no middle ground (verbal arguments) he wants to avoid that kind of fights (??0.
He gave me so much BS for the email. I thought I was letting him in and trying honest communication, where he knows what's going on on my mind, I made it clear with a paragraph at the end saying that what I am thinking may be wrong and unfair but it's what I am thinking and I am trying to make him see that I cant avoid having this kind of thoughts when triggered by something that is happening now. I was trying to show him the effect of this past year to "now". He only read blame and accusations. He is on selfish mode. My C SAID I had good intentions but didnt write it correctly. That paragraph she said, should be on top of te letter... I think that the fact that he is guilty upset him.
The fact that he doesnt know if he loves me enough is cruicial for me. To be honest, this is what I am missing. I can tell he loves me but not enought to build a future together... My C was rather shocked with that. She thought the answer was different.
He is also afraid we will have a bad sexual life. I've been thinking, is this a fear towards him of me? I dont understand. All the things I have being complaning for in the past, he identifies now as fears. But he KNOWS I am willing to change my part on all of these. SO, if he wants that too, where is the problem?
Also, that I reject people that dont agree with me. In my head, I am far from that. I listen, appreciate people for sharing their objections, I dont reject people for speaking up their mind... Jesus!!!
He says he is afriad I dont think highly of him. DUHHH!! I've told him that 15 times so far. That he needs to reinstate his "reputation", honor, integrity with me. Sure that sounds harsh, but how can you think highly of the man that left you? Am I crazy?
All thoughts welcome. Am I being a bitch? I really cant tell anymore. K
Hi Maria, checking in on a very snowy Friday morning. Well you have a huge amount to process. I never got the chance to even attempt to reconcile so I am at a loss as to what to say or advise. I really don't think you are asking for the moon and I do feel that if H were to show you how lost he is but that he cannot imagine his life without you in it (ie depth and strength of his love for you) then alot of these questions and points you make might not be so important.
I am thinking of you as you struggle to come to terms with all of this. Be true to yourself. To grow and blossom you need to feel the strength and depth of his love now not think maybe it will grow. Woman can overlook such at lot if they feel and know they are loved and cherished. (((())))
I woke up upset too. Looking at what he was saying....I guess he is referring back to a lot of things in your previous R, before the S (I thought you werent supposed to be doing that??) and now looking realistically at what you had then and what you might have now.. I know you have changed from what you have told us, he may not have noticed, or maybe he doesnt believe you have, or maybe, he doesnt trust that the changes will stick. Like the DR books say, the WAS needs time to grow in confidence that you have changed and that things wont be like they were before.
I have changed too.. but maybe my ex hasnt (still weak, indecisive, avoidant, bad at making decisions etc) my BFF wonders if me and my ex wouldnt end up falling back into old patterns eventhough I wouldnt want our R to be like that, if we had got back together. Maybe you and him are falling back into old patterns now becuase he hasnt changed?
