I woke up upset today. I have this feeling of someone being unfair to me. I am not saying I am correct about it I am just expressing how I feel.
How can I be resposnible for him not expressing his wishes?
How can I be wrong for using my brain and "finding strong arguments" over things?
How can I become something I am not?
How long do you think I would last?
For him it is either we agree or fight. And he thinks fights are horrible. The C told him that all couples fight and as long as these fights are resolved in a good way, could be a "good" thing in some cases. But my H when fighting, he screams and yells and goes nuts. So I guess, if for him there is no middle ground (verbal arguments) he wants to avoid that kind of fights (??0.
He gave me so much BS for the email. I thought I was letting him in and trying honest communication, where he knows what's going on on my mind, I made it clear with a paragraph at the end saying that what I am thinking may be wrong and unfair but it's what I am thinking and I am trying to make him see that I cant avoid having this kind of thoughts when triggered by something that is happening now. I was trying to show him the effect of this past year to "now". He only read blame and accusations. He is on selfish mode. My C SAID I had good intentions but didnt write it correctly. That paragraph she said, should be on top of te letter... I think that the fact that he is guilty upset him.
The fact that he doesnt know if he loves me enough is cruicial for me. To be honest, this is what I am missing. I can tell he loves me but not enought to build a future together... My C was rather shocked with that. She thought the answer was different.
He is also afraid we will have a bad sexual life. I've been thinking, is this a fear towards him of me? I dont understand. All the things I have being complaning for in the past, he identifies now as fears. But he KNOWS I am willing to change my part on all of these. SO, if he wants that too, where is the problem?
Also, that I reject people that dont agree with me. In my head, I am far from that. I listen, appreciate people for sharing their objections, I dont reject people for speaking up their mind... Jesus!!!
He says he is afriad I dont think highly of him. DUHHH!! I've told him that 15 times so far. That he needs to reinstate his "reputation", honor, integrity with me. Sure that sounds harsh, but how can you think highly of the man that left you? Am I crazy?
All thoughts welcome. Am I being a bitch? I really cant tell anymore. K
