Thanks CIW. Regarding your last paragraph. I know that I still have some kind of power over him, I know I have an affect on him, it's good because it means he is not totally indifferent. But he is trying d*mn hard to be indifferent. He is cutting me off from all parts of his life and shutting me out like I am a bad smell. It's so hurtful that I don't know if I can ever forgive. It's so true that women can forgive a lot including infidelity but really it's what happens after exposure that has a bigger effect on women's feelings. His continued hurtful behavior is what is getting me down. I know he is in A but it's everything else that is convincing me that he doesn't care about me anymore. I know men are different. Some men can have a physical relationship with OW and still have feelings with their wife. I think my H is trying so hard to convince himself that he doesn't love me in anyway anymore that he is trying hard to prove it by being extremely distant.
His guilt is making him want to believe that his decision to move out is correct. He needs justification so he casts me in a negative role and exaggerates our problems in his head.
I just don't see how all of this could turn around even if I do 180's, GAL and change the way I handle our communication.
I am not saying that I want to give up. It's just that I cannot see the path ahead of me. I think it would take all of my lucky stars to line up for a recon to happen. It would take 1) for his A to fizzle out 2) for H to realize that what we had was sometimes good and is salvagable 3) for H to realize that he had a part in our M disintegrating 4) for him to own up to his own personal issues 5) for me to forgive him for everything.
I am getting overwhelmed. I know I should take it one step at a time but if I can't see that path to success, I can't walk in that direction. This is taking an enormous amount of faith in that everything will turn out right. Right now, my head is telling me that it won't. My heart is saying, Don't give up just yet.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
