Trying to let go........with love!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Glam, for your wise advice as per usual.

I am feeling so depressed right now! But, I know I need to dust myself off and let it go!

I'm nervous about this weekend working on the house with everybody, and about next week being in C session with H. I know I have backslid in his eyes and he sees me as weak, but in some ways I don't care, because what I said was the truth from my perspective, and while he may not be able to hear it now, maybe he will later down the road.

It just makes me so very angry that one day H is telling me how very happy he is and that he feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, and the next day we are hearing from our son that he has been doing drugs since 12/13 years old, and H plays the calm and "together" man in front of C, and then takes his wife of 25 years outside to ball her out for being childish in showing some emotion and trying to take his hand!!

I know H loves S17. Right now, S17 is the only person in the world H admits to caring about other than himself. I do try to look at this through H's warped perspective, and show unconditional love, but it just seems that every time I get my hands around it, something else comes to light, and I feel like maybe I am being a fool as everybody says and I am just refusing to see that we were never meant to be!

It just seems to me that after all this, H has no reason to look back. S with be 18 in March, and any contact will be between them. There will be no real reason for H to be in touch with me. He'll be on his way.

And our 26th anniversary is Feb 19th, so that is preying on my mind. H told me that that was the day his replacement starts ("a female clone of H") :(.....isn't that ironic.

So, I'm feeling this anger and fear, and there is sort of a feeling of "speak now or forever hold your peace".

I don't feel I can back out of working on the house this weekend, or the session with H next week. What are your thoughts on how I should handle this?

[[[[[[GG]]]]]]