Not really much to report today. H is coming over tonight for dinner and some family time. He has called quite a few times today, mostly just to talk. I went to Walmart today and called H to see if he needed anything. He's still has no dishes so I picked up a cheap dish set for him to use. When I told him he thanked me and I told him how weird this all felt. H agreed, then said but it's working.
What does he mean it's working? Working for him maybe. I know that we are getting along better then ever, and that's great, but at what point do we start working on bringing things back together?
I know, I know, patience. As I keep saying, it's not my strong suit. I'm still working on it.
Double talk is right. I think I need to back off for a little bit. I am still being too friendly and helpful. The last few days, I have been making more phone calls and offering to help him out. All that does is allow H to continue to cake-eat.
Through all of this, I want to be more independent, take care of H less, and WAL. I still find my mood so dependent on those phone calls and text messages from him. H just called and wanted to confirm whether I was working tonight (he comes to the house on my night shifts) and I found myself getting worried that he wouldn't come over for dinner. I want to get to the place that I don't care if he comes. UGH.
{{{Son}}} Well give yourself time to do that..it comes when it comes, you know..but YOU are definitely worth caring about yourself and not depending on what your hub does or doesn't do..but to get us there..not as easily done as it is easily said
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
I am such a moron! Here I was thinking that things were going in the right direction, and then BLAM I go right back to square one.
H came over for dinner tonight, and just seemed distant from the minute he walked in the door. Didn't say anything about the house, dinner, me, the kids, nothing. After dinner, just started doing his own thing. He hasn't seen the keds in 2 days. Hasn't spent any time with me since sunday, but polishing his boots was more important.
after the kids were in bed, stupid me thought we could cuddle, maybe more, and H starts to pretend that he is tired. I say pretend, because the minute he lays down in bed he starts TM. I walked in to say goodnight before leaving for work and hear the phone shut quickly. Of course it's under the covers. When I asked him if he had his phone in bed, he snapped that he needs it if "I get a work call". Whatever, you can't hear it from the bedside table? I didn't say anything, just kissed him on the cheek and walked out.
Why do I continue to punish myself. Obviously, he isn't done with his "friend". Obviously, I am not important enough. Oh sure, he wants to be with me when he needs money, food, or stuff. But, then the apartment is there, and the fun awaits. I'm so sick and tired of being used.
would you like a 2x4 or 4x4. What a jerk!!! I'm so sorry he is playing mind games. Sometimes I wish so badly that my H was still in town but I just don't know if I would be strong enough to be in the same place the OW was. One good thing is that you are able to see eachother and attempt to DB. He needs to make a choice and stick to it......
Hope tomorrow is better for you.
H-41 (alcoholic) Me-38 D-13 SD-10 T-6yrs M-4.75yrs Bomb-10/4/08 Moved in w/OW 11-13-08
Either the 2x4 or 4x4 would work fine. I do consider myself lucky that I can try the DB techniques. And the truth is that we have made strides. But I always get ahead of myself, get dissappointed, and then back pedal. I actually started crying tonight and I don't want to be that person. I don't want H to see that he still has that effect on me. It makes me just as angry at myself as I am at him.
{{{Son}} I totally understand how hard that must be with the mixed signals you are getting from your hub..please don't be too hard on yourself..it would be tough to know which way to turn with those signals.
There was a really cool analogy on someone's thread that I wish I remembered where it was, but here it is in a nutshell..I hope it makes you feel better:
Picture your hub in a castle, all locked up, with the moat surrounding him, no one coming in or out without his permission. Picture yourself sitting out in the grass across the way, where hub can see you, enjoying a picnic, just enjoying yourself. After a while of watching, your hub will become curious, slowly open the gate, come out, possibly sit with you a bit, enjoy himself, and then retreat quickly back inside the gate. Why? Because he realized how much he enjoyed that time and then he would remember why he locked himself away in the first place and run "back to safety". After a while, he'll try again and hopefully stay longer and longer and, all the while, YOU stay the same and just enjoy your life..
I don't think I explained that analogy as well as when I read it..but basically, WHAT I get out of it, is that YOU need to do whatever it is to get on with Sonshyn's life, what makes YOU happy and hopefully prayerfully hub will come and join you on that "life picnic"..
We all wanted this to be over the second it began..so don't kick yourself for rushing things..but, we have to remember these guys have had longer to detach than us..so we are a bit behind the curve..
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Thanks Tawnya, I really just needed to hear that I am normal. I've never liked being behind the curve ;-).
Your analogy was great, and I know you're right about H. The funny thing is that H always says that actions speak louder than words. H will believe that things are going to be different based on my actions. Well, his actions don't necessarily match his words. I guess that is part of the process.
Today, H ascted like nothing interesting happened. He called and was open, friendly, and said ILY. I guess I just need to relax and live my own life. Hopefully, he will want to spend more time in my life, because I think it's a pretty good one.
Son..that last line that you said is so true..if your hub is SMART he will want to spend more time with you because you are great and your life is good..
I also think that's what so many people mean by "getting off the roller coaster", because, if you let your life be dictated by your hub's one day nice/one day weird emotions, you'd be up and down and not able to enjoy yourself..and HEY..you deserve to enjoy your life!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
LOL..don't you love WAS's double talk "it's working"..umm..for whom? LOL 