Thank you all for your support. After really thinking things through from todays actions I called my W and this is how it went tonight.
I had told her earlier in the day that I was thinking of calling things off with GF and she told me I shouldn't do that because she didn't know where all this was going to lead. As you know from my previous post above, she doesn't know what the future holds. Well I thought about this for a while and had to call her.
I told her I apologize for jumping on the bandwagon of thinking she may be ready to talk, I informed her that I felt in my heart that God had been given me signs for the last 2 weeks and that when she had called me about two weeks ago emotional on the phone that I heard a different voice I hadn't heard in over a year. I didn't put much into this voice, her voice was just nicer, I can't explain what it was, I told her tonight I had no idea what it was but it was just different. Then at church the sermon was about relationships and sure enough the very next week her sermon was about the same thing which moved her to buy the movie and call me. I let her know that in my eyes these were signs to me as I had always prayed that she would find happiness rather that be with me or without me but I wanted her to find happiness.
I informed her that these last 2 weeks just hit me and brought back all of the emotions of my love for her and I felt I was being told something through these actions. I apologized to her for jumping the gun and let her know I was just following my heart and I'm sorry. She informed me we are suppose to follow our hearts, stop apologizing. She stated she did not want to hurt me again but she was not ready to make a decision about us because she has no idea where this is leading. She was very upset on the phone in tears. She said she had already hurt me enough and she would hate to see me end relationship with GF and then things not work out for us as that is the last thing she wanted to ever do again was to hurt me. She told me it killed her to see the hate that I had built up for her and she couldn't handle it. "This was the wall I had put up, our D was not pretty, it involved finances and custody so there has been no contact with her, in my eyes this was how I was going to go on without her, I felt I had to build this wall as now I was hurt and didn't want to feel the pain any longer." She told me that she had to fix herself before she could ever think about fixing us if it came to that, I told her I agree. I told her that if we did choose to go down that road again then I wanted her to do it for the right reasons, not for finances, not for the kids but because she wanted me back in her life because of her love for me, no other reason would work.
Last night when I apologized for my wrong doings in our M she told me to stop apologizing, she told me the same thing tonight when I was apologizing for jumping the gun thinking she was ready.
Ladies and gentleman, I have a hard decision to make here, I am not going to jump into this decision right now. I am going to give it a minimum of 1 week and see where I am led to. I am heading out of town tomorrow on a business trip and maybe I will be able to think this through some more. I know where my heart is at and I know that no matter what decision I come up with, there will always be a place in my heart for W, that will never go away. Please say a prayer for me.
