CL, this does not sound like a woman who has healing a m or reconciliation on her mind at all.
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She currently has inheritance money in a mutual fund. I think she believes that that should not be considered marital property. She has fear that I'm going to go after this money.
I've been getting long emails about this theme. She wants me to promise not to touch this money. My stance is nothing's official until I sign the proper document.
Matilda and Naej, I haven't decided if I should go alone to therapy the first time, or should invite her. She has never wanted to go in the past. Her stance is that I have the issues, and that I should work on them. If she were to agree to go, I'm not sure what her motive would be.
I went to my Thursday night dance lesson tonight by myself. I told her my intention, and waited to see her response. She made plans with someone in the dance community for dinner and salsa dancing afterwards. My dance lesson was so much more enjoyable without her there. I continue to build my network in the ballroom and swing community.
I've decided to take responsibility for developing my dance skills, and will include my wife as a part of it to the extent she wants. However, I won't think of it as a partnership.
I will plan my dance week in terms of what I want to practice, and where I want to network. It may or may not be the same place my W wants to go. I will let my W know my intent, and make a decision based on her response.
I admit I'm struggling with goodwill and compassion at the moment. Civility is about all I can muster at this time. I can do GAL and experience joy with making new friends in the dance community and enjoying my sheep puppy dog. I can also keep an open mind about the situation, and not get too attached to things having to be a certain way.
I'm also enjoying my new office location. I'm with a larger community than I was before. I'm enjoying the comradery of colleagues in a professional community.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, Aud, and Naej, I've started to read, "Infidelity: A Survival Guide," by Don-David Lusterman, Ph.D.. I'll integrate helpful ideas in future posts, but I wanted to post the book, since it's at my office, and not at home, where I usually post.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, I went dancing on my own to a ballroom venue. I told my W so that she could decide to join me if she wanted. I had a good time, and met some people that I've taken lessons with in the past.
My W is still angry about the dance last weekend in which I was short with her during the dance.
When I got home from the dance, she asked me to practice. I was suprised by the offer, but considering the recent negativity and my fatigue, decllined her offer. She said that she's not asking again.
She said that the house was peaceful while I was gone, and wants me to go out more often, or better yet, take a trip somewhere. I'm thinking winter cabin fever is playing some role with this.
My self-help book on infidelity advises to focus on the marriage, and not pay attention to the affair R. It's hard to do, as I know I'm harboring anger, frustration, and disappointment about the recent sleeping elsewhere behavior.
I'll keep working on being open to whatever every day brings, and try to work with it. I'll keep dancing with or without my W, and enjoy my sheep puppy dog, and the warmer weather coming this week. Compassion and goodwill will be a struggle, but I'll do no intentional harm.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Glad you are doing things that bring you pleasure. What about your writing, CL.....is it still another outlet for you?
Not practicing dancing with your wife did upset her, but if you had practiced without your heart being in it then she would have found fault I suspect. Did you tell her you were tired or just decline?
What about an alternative today.....can you invite her to take a walk with you and your puppy? A movie? What about the $4 bouquet of flowers? It doesn't have to be for an apology (since you don't owe her one!); you can just say you have spring fever from a touch of the warm weather!
Matilda, I've been listening to self-help podcasts in the car to help manage the emotions. I like dharma talks that discuss Buddhist concepts. I've listened to talks on suffering, thinking, and communication.
My W's emails continue to point out her perspective that I'm difficult to live with (moody, negative, sullen), and that I need to work on respectful communication. I can always improve communication and conflict management. I can always improve emotional management. I responded that I agree with respectful communication as something to continually strive for.
The talk on communication points out that communication should be truthful, kind, helpful, and timely, otherwise it shouldn't be said. I'll give that some thought.
A problem is what to do, when one is struggling with emotions and is not available to be present, such as I was this past week. Maybe I expect my W to read my mind, and know that I'm upset because of her sleeping elsewhere. When I'm home, my W expects me to be present.
It would be easier if my W conveyed that she was working on something for the sake of the M. I know that one should put their energy into working on themselves, and not changing the other person, so I won't get into a power struggle over who's working harder on the M.
The thinking tape disucssed how most of our thoughts are not true, and that we need to learn to just them let pass, and not attend to every one of them.
I keep working on writing and reading poetry in the mornings.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
